I'm 2 demanding & it's ruining us

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
I'm 2 demanding & it's ruining us
6
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 3:41am
I am an only child and grew up in a loving and supporting home. I am used to being the center of things and having someone give me a lot of love mentally and physically. Now that I'm married and out of the house, I don't get that, much anymore. So I say and do ridiculous things to my husband, trying to trick him or whatever to show me extra love. I know I'm acting crazy but I can't help it. I'm ruinging out relationship but I don't realize it until 10 mins. after I cry. By then our relationship has been picked at too much. SOMEONE tell me what to do!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 1:31pm
Why use a trick? Why not be open and honest? Tell him when you need a hug, attention, sex, conversation, etc.

Since you have identified the problem why not try short-term counseling to help you work through it?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 2:08am
U know what, you're totally right on the counseling, but I have tried to be honest before and sometimes he gets upset because its a "not again" thing. Ay ya yay Thanks itwinflame
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 5:58am
It sounds to me like you are not getting your emotional needs met in your marriage and you are upset. I am not sure if this is because your needs are overwhelming or because you and your husband don't know what they really are.

I would suggest reading the articles on this site: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ They have great books, too. Dr. Harvey has really broken a relationship down into basic needs with good communication skills to keep love alive. This will help you better understand what your needs are and how to have a better relationship. Counseling might be in order as well.

And it could help for you to try to have some of your needs met outside of the relationship. Perhaps there is a hobby or interest or volunteer effort where you can excel and feel important. Good friends are a must as well.

I wish you luck. Keep us posted!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 8:13am
I would agree with the last poster.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 9:10am
You know, there have been some interesting insights into your relationship based on your and your spouse's birth order. Even in families where there is more than one child, you treat each child as an individual based on their personality... but their personality is somewhat formed by where they fit in the family. You might look some of them up and see how you and your husband are pertaining to those ideas. They are quite interesting.

For example, my husband is a first-born, I am a last born. He's much more dependable (not easy to admit, lol), level-headed, and used to carrying the weight of more than his own actions. I, on the other hand, am more boisterous, more fun loving, ALWAYS late, optimistic. We complement each other well based on that. Only children, if they marry each other, can have a time with competition. Two youngest the same. Middle children together actually can do pretty well.

I agree with Itwin that you should ask for the added attention if you feel you need it. I also think that you should look at why you FEEL that you need it. Do you feel as if love has to be on a certain level to be a good marriage? Where is that level compared to what your husband gives you? Are your expectations, to be fair, a bit unreasonable? Etc.

I have a good friend of mine, therapist actually, who was an only child. She got things for affection, never affection for affection. Because of that she is starved for attention. She told me not long ago how jealous she used to be that my parents were as loving as what they were. I always envied her because I got the handmedowns, didnt get anything really new until I was about 10 and the other kids started leaving. I felt just one of many and thought how wonderful it must be to have mom and dad all to yourself.

She told me that she wished she could, like me, have a close bond with her mother, not a friendship with her mother, and an unemotional father.

She grew up with some very slanted views about what love is, how to get it, and what she had to do to keep it. Looking at her now, I can see some very large traits that show how the way she was raised figures into her expectations of a relationship. Its still all governed about how SHE feels with it, not as much the both of them. His expressions of love are emotions, but she only really opens up when he gives her a gift. (she is used to one thing, and him another.) Unfortunately I have alo seen a very spoiled child emerge at times, though I turn away when she does it, embarrassed. It doesnt look like an assrertive woman, as she wants it to, it looks more like a child throwing a tantrum. Its just easier to see now that I have children of my own. Is it her fault, really? Some of it, but some is what she expects based on what she was given.

Do you feel that you indeed are too demanding, or are you parroting what your spouse says? The reason that I ask is that it can only be solved once you realize that you have an issue and work toward a solution. If you dont feel that you are, in fact, being demanding, then you two have a communication problem that needs sorted through.

Best of luck to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 2:01am
Thanks everybody! I hope you're advice will work. I'm going to try to apply it to my everyday life and in my relationship with my hubby~ GOd bless u all and I'll let u know how things turned out!