I'm 26, dating a 42-yr old Divorcee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
I'm 26, dating a 42-yr old Divorcee
4
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 4:31pm
Hi! About 6 months ago I started dating a man 15 years older than me (I'm 26, he's 42). He is the most wonderful guy I've ever met--we have so much in common, more than anyone else I've ever dated. The age difference between us is a nonissue. We both are amazed at how perfect we are together. The relationship is fantastic! He has two kids (9 and 11) who are also great. The problem: He doesn't want any more kids. I'm 26 yrs old and definitely want kids someday--but not for at least 5 years. Is the children issue a deal breaker? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 5:40pm

There are plenty of healthy relationships that have no children.Even in mixed families where the parents dont have anymore children between themselves. The problem is this: Is this something that you will be able to accept forever? Im not sure if there would be a chance of this man ever changing his mind, but you have to be ready for him not too. Will you regret it later on in life?Maybe. Thats something only you can conclude. Its not selfish to want a child of your own, and you are entitled to that decision.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 6:56pm
It would be for me...if I wanted kids.

Envision what it is you want kids for you in life, envision what it is you believe that children will bring to your life...and I guarantee that what you see is you and "a husband" sharing the feeding, diapering, the firsts of holidays pictures, and solid food.

For one thing, this guy's been there and odne that - TWICE. You're going to get a family if you marry him. YOu're going to get two kids to nurture, guide, sacrifice for, and parent....to educate, to clothe, to feed, to support - until they're thru college.

Do his resources allow for MORE kids in 5 years...when he'll be around 47 or 48. Meaning he'll be 52 or 53 when the child is in kindergarten...and you're going to parent/teacher and PTA meetings seeing women your age, with men your age - interacting and involved with the children at their level...and your spouse is the age of a "grandpa". And acting like it to some extent, as well.

I can easily see why someone past 40 who already has kids - doesn't want more. From a practical standpoint - the kids he's got are his for life. To educate, to take care of medically, to deal with......whatever that involves, one thing he knows and that you don't is that the unexpected happens, and the unanticipated has to be dealt with successfully. I'd be done with diapering, feeding, changing, up at 2am, having to deal with sitters, etc. by 40 given I've been there and done that...and don't want to be doing waht I was at 50 what i was doing at 30...unless I can send 'em home to theri parents when I'm done spoiling them.

You're also saying that he's going to be somewhere around 65 when this child graduates high school.....meaning he's going to be into retirement age when this kid is in high school. I had older parents. It's hard for the teenager to relate to people that are old enough to be "grandpa" - and it's easy enough to ignore their well-educated advice to your own detriment.

While up to now I've stuck with the cild issue...there is you to consider. When you're 36, he's going to be 52. You're going to be in your sexual prime, and he'll be well past his sexual peak - he already is. You'll be wanting ot take the "last" of the exotic vacations and make extravagant purchases prior to buckling down to prepare for retirement savings and aging..and he'll be there in terms of the aging and retirement needs preparation, and he'll have already done without you the exotic vacations and extravagant purchases and wont' want to make them again.

You're also going to be inundated with being "40-something" at 20....and being 50-something at 30 something. Because he won't relate to your peer group, and you'll have to default to his for social interaction. He's the professional, successful, provider and you'll have to default to his circle. What interaction you have with your peers - watching them with men their own ages, is going to leave you with a combination of bitterness, resentment and regret - as they're newly wed and preparing ot parent togeether for the first time...and you're pregnant and he's involved, but not doting on the pregnancy - becuase he's been theere, done this, and realizes he needs to work harder than ever now, becuase there' s more at stake than ever before, and less time to accomplish his goals in.

It's just all something to think about. The more time you spend with someone the more you invest in them. If beofre you emotional investment gets too high - you assess the facts - you can easier end the liason if in the long run to keep him - you'd give up your dreams, hopes, desires, and your needs would go unmet in many regards.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 7:37pm
Whether or not to have kids is a BIG issue - I mean, there aren't many choices that alter a person's life as much as the decision to have children. Its HUGE.

You say you want children and he doesn't want anymore. Sounds like an impass to me. Either you have to give up your dream of having kids or find another man. There really aren't any other options. Also, even if the man did want to have children with you - He's 42 now with an 11 year old and a 9 year old. You don't want kids for another 5 years. That means he would be 47 and his kids would be 16 and 14. Not many people would want to start at the beginning with kids at that point. His parenting job is almost done. I mean, once a parent always a parent, but at this point he'd only have a few more years of being responsible for his kids. Also, if he became a father again at 47, he'd be 65 by the time the kid graduated from high school, 70 when the kid graduated college. 70 years old and FINALLY able to live his life for himself without having to raise children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 9:08am
Thanks everybody for your advice! I have known in my heart all along that this relationship is not right. Call it women's intuition?! :)

I know I DEFINITELY want kids someday. If I stay w/ this man, I will regret not having them, probably resent him and his kids, and even if we do end up having kids you are right that it won't be as exciting for him this time because he's done it already.

I've always worried about marrying someone that much older. I want to grow old with someone. This man will most likely be gone when I'm ready to retire.

Thanks so much for your help in allowing me to finally listen to my heart!

:)