I'm being smothered!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
I'm being smothered!
2
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 5:18pm
Hi there, hopefully someone can give me some advice.

I'm in a brand new relationship. Granted, I've known this guy forever, but we are officially "dating" now, I guess you could say. Everything is so great, except for the fact I am feeling totally smothered, which is frustrating the heck out of me.

When we are alone, he can't keep his hands off of me. I've explained to him a million times that I like to take things slow and let the physical part of a relationship just go at his own pace. His pace is full speed ahead. It's getting to the point where it is not enjoyable because he can't back off, and if I push him away or tell him, I feel bad, like there's something wrong with me for not enjoying it. When we doing something like watching a movie, it has to be full physical contact at all times. When we lay in bed, same thing.

When I told him I want to take it slow, he said he respected it, but it wouldn't stop him from trying. So now, I feel like a total ass when I find myself pushing him away, or when he asks me if it's okay to have his hand creeping here or there. He says he does it because I'm so beautiful, and I turn him on so much, but enough already! I feel like I'm being buried under a ton of bricks, and we've only been dating for one month!!

I love him so much. He does everything for me, and he is such a great guy, I just don't know what to do!

Any advice out there?

Thanks,

T.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 6:34pm
"When I told him I want to take it slow, he said he respected it, but it wouldn't stop him from trying."

That statement means he doesn't respect your wishes in the least. He couldn't have made it clearer had he pasted this message on a billboard 100 feet tall: "I am going to wear you down to get what I want, and I don't give a damn how you feel."

Hon, it is so obvious that his primary interest in you is sexual, and if you insist that it's more than that, test that notion by refusing to be alone with him. See him only if you are going out somewhere in public on a date, and make sure the date ends at your door. See how long he sticks around without demanding time alone. And for goodness sake, don't expect a guy to believe you don't want his physical advances when you agree to lay in bed with him.

The only other thing you're doing wrong is thinking you've set a boundary, but allowing him to cross it with no consequences (instead you go in the opposite direction and feel guilty - what's up with that?) He knows it's not a real boundary no matter how much you protest. Here's the consequence for ignoring a real boundary: The minute he started to feel you up, you would stand up, say no and walk out the door.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 7:14pm
He is blatently disrespecting your wishes and you keep allowing it to happen. I understand that you feel guilty when you have to tell him to stop but you shouldn't and he should not be trying in the first place after you have REPEATEDLY told him you wanted to take it slow. He said he respected that but his actions say otherwise. There is NOTHING wrong with you and there is nothing wrong for wanting to take things slowly. You need to tell him that if he can't control himself when you two are alone then all your dates will be out in public until he CAN control himself and start listening to you.

When I started dating my current boyfriend, I wanted to take things slow in the physical department too. And like you and your BF, we were friends first. I used to sleep over his apartment, in his bed with him, and we cuddled but his hands never once wandered to places they were not supposed to be and I never once had to tell him that he was over-stepping the boundaries. That is how I knew he was a keeper.

Don't feel guilty for standing up for yourself! If he can not respect you then he is being a jerk. It doesn't matter how beautiful you are or how much you are turning him on, that is not an excuse to cross the line with you over and over again.