I'm cheating on my fiance, HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
I'm cheating on my fiance, HELP!
19
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 7:11pm
I've been with my fiance for 7 years, engaged for the last year now and we are getting married this month June 28th to be exact..... EEEEEE, I'm so stressed and confussed. I have never ever even thought about cheating on him the whole time we were dating until we got engaged...it was only 3 months after went I met a very attractive "man" who asked if he could take me out sometime, I was shocked but told him no I have a boyfriend. Later on that same evening I for some reason decided I wanted to kiss him, I told myself this will be the last time I ever get to kiss another guy and that it would be nothing more than a kiss... so I went up to the "man" and asked if I could talk to him, we went out to his car and talked about bit then I asked him to kiss me, I told him I've been with the same guy for 7 years and wanted to know what it would be like to kiss someone else...he said are you sure and then kissed me. I found myself day dreaming about him for months afterwords, yet I felt guilty for doing it. I never saw him again till 6 months after the kiss and when we did the sparks where flying, he asked me if he could call me, I said no because I am living with my fiance but asked if I could have his instead...he gave it to me, and we talked a few times over the phone but not often because I wanted to figure out my situation with my fiance. I was having doubts about marrying him and didn't want to make my decission based on another guy. So I tried to keep my distance and think about the issues I had with my fiance. Sometimes I think I am still with him just because we have been together for so long. I mean I do love him but am I just afraid to be alone? I don't know. We have had our problems, who hasn't, and there are things I don't like about him but there always will be in relationships. The thing is though the things I don't like in my fiance are the things that the other "man" has and is. I know things are always great in the beginning of a relationship but I can't help but wonder if he will make me happier. So this isn't to long I'll skip to what been happening these last 2 months... we ran into eachother one night out and I asked him to meet me outside so we could talk without anyone seeing. We ended up going to his place, had an awesome talk and WOW, we ended up having sex. Afterwords I wasn't sure what to think if he even cared about me or was just wanting to have sex with me so I left it at that and thought to myself I'm getting married, I've had sex with him now so I can move on and just get married. I never called him after that. A month went by and I was focussed on my wedding. Then started to think about him again and ended up running into him one night at a pub, the friend I was with said he staired at me the whole time we were there and that he looked really sad. I couldn't see him because my back was to him and didn't want to look. I knew he wouldn't approch me because he knows I'm engaged. So after that I decided to call him and we talked about how awkward that felt and how we felt about eachother (it was such a good talk). The weekend right after that I was out with my fiance and saw the "man" again, I wanted him so bad and he felt the same, he again kept stairing at me but we couldn't talk. Meanwhile my fiance had no idea and I kept feeling the need to go off by myself to just walk by the "man" and possibly even talk. So the next day I called him and we decided to meet, when we did there was such a connection, we just stood there for an hour and hugged eachother nothing more, just hugged...after that we had a huge long talk about my situation and he said he didn't want to be responsible for causing me any confussion but that he thinks there is definetly something there between us, but that it is my decission what I do and that he just wants me to make sure I am happy. I said I know its my decission if I get married or not and that it has to be about more then him. He agreed. I just feel so good with him and very comfortable. I find myself thinking about him when I'm with my fiance even... how can I get married when I'm feeling like this. Yet I wonder is this just cold feet... what is it and why am I feeling this way. If I did go through with the wedding, will my feelings for "the man" ever go away. I can't cheat when I'm married, its bad enough that I'm doing it now. Basically there are things I'm not happy with in my relationship with my fiance but still love him. I just can't help but wonder what if, what it would be like to be in a realtionship with "the man"...could we have something even better. But how can I ruin what I have now for what if, plus the decission should be made on more then him and I feel like it is all about him right now. I don't want to regret anything, either way: I don't want to regret not having a chance with "the man" and also I don't want to regret not getting married. I'm so confussed. ANY ADVICE PLEASE??? HELP, I'm running out of time. Help please...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 7:23pm
People with 'cold feet' don't necessarily sleep with other people and think about them a much as you do.

'We have had our problems, who hasn't, and there are things I don't like about him but there always will be in relationship'

BUT to what degree are these problems? Never mind other relationships. Are they about putting the toilet seat down or about major differences in lifestyle and values?

If you were really ready to be married this wouldn't be happening. Marriage won't change your feelings so don't count on that.

'how can I get married when I'm feeling like this'

You can't. Your fiance deserves someone who wants him and only him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 10:11am
You don't love him if you're cheating on him. Don't marry him. He deserves someone better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 11:48am
While I don't condone cheating on anyone, I do feel a little bad for you that if you did decided to call off the wedding, it's in 3 weeks. I've never been in a position like yours, but I agree with the others in that there is a big difference between cold feet and cheating on your fiancee. Are you young? Wait a minute...even if you aren't, if you are having major doubts, don't marry. You might surpress your feelings for other men, but in the long run you might be miserable and resent your husband. I'm sure this has to be difficult, so I'm sorry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 12:09pm
PLEASE call off the wedding!!! I think you've answered your own question once you wrote all this down....if you're that confused about who you want to be with...it isn't fair to you or your fiance to go ahead with the marriage. Signing that piece of paper isn't going to chanage how you feel. The other man came into your life for a reason...and if you're that attracted to him, you need to find out what's behind it. I know calling off the wedding will be very difficult, but you're much better off to do it now than deal with these issues afterwards!! If you had a good friend who was telling you this same situation, would you advise her to go ahead and get married??!! Best wishes to you!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 1:13pm
So, I'm assuming that what this other guy "has" is material possessions, and what he "is" is an established professional with the means to make money. And that looks really good to you because maybe your fiance doesn't have much and isn't doing much about it. And that's a problem for you. So, if you leave your fiance for this other guy, then the problem will be solved, right? Well, not necessarily...because what happens when you have gotten past the newness of the situation, and some guy with even more shows up on the scene? What happens when you discover that this other guy has faults that you don't like, but the new guy "seems" all the more perfect for you? What happens when this guy gets a kernel of doubt about you, that you could leave your fiance for him, so why wouldn't you leave him for some other guy?

The problem is not your relationship, the problem is you. You are the one who is choosing to leave yourself open to a possibility of cheating again. You keep running into this guy "accidentally"? PLEASE!! You go to the same place over and over again hoping that you will see him because you like the rush of feelings you get when it happens. You don't mind causing him emotional pain and anguish by showing up with your fiance. You get off on having the attention of two men.

You are definitely not ready to get married, but neither are you in a place in your life that you should pursue a relationship with this other guy. You have a lot of work to do on yourself before you can commit yourself to anyone else. You need to find out why you keep looking when you have supposedly found the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. Why you like the drama you create by getting involved with someone else. Why you allow yourself to be unfaithful. I have a suspicion that it has something to do with a lack of direction in your own life, and a low self-esteem. Until you work on getting things right in your own life, you will not be ready to give that life to anyone else.

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 1:14pm
thank you for your thoughts on this, I haven't thought of it that way.

Our problems stem from us spending alot of time with our friends seperately, I want him to come out with me but he won't and uses every excuse in the book not to because he doesn't want to come out with me and my friends. I am totally willing to come out with him and his buddies but I don't get invited. There has also been rumours of him being unfaithfull to me. Him and I have been through so much, 7 years worth. He knows me better then anyone, he knows what I'm going to do before I even do it. And yes has been asking what is up with me cuz he can tell I'm being different. When I am with him I feel more focussed on us then the other guy. The time I have seen the other guy it seems like its just been a dream when I'm not around him. Like me real life is with my fiance. I'm 26 now and am ready to be married (at least thats what I thought). I want to have kids soon and live the married life. I just can't help that I met someone else that also excites me. I have some serious thinking to do.

Thanks for your adivce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 1:44pm
Actually it is just the opposite.... My fiance has a great job, makes really good money, and is VERY good looking. He is better looking then "the other guy". So it is totally not about that. I am not about material things at all, that is my fiance not me. The other guy just makes me feel like I'm the only other person in the room, he is very sweet. The thing I like in him is that he is a hard working guy, he is a do it yourself kind of guy, willing to work hard. Were as my fiance is more of a slacker, he would rather hire someone then do it himself, which has always bugged me. Everyone is different though and enjoy doing different things I guess, but I just have always wanted him to be more like that.

You are right about one thing though I have been trying to run into this other guy... I feel like I don't even know myself anymore because this isn't me, I have never done anything like this or even thought about it before until I met him. I don't want to hurt anyone and I can't stand how I have been acting.

Thanks for your thoughts, it has got me looking more at myself which I need to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 1:44pm
Me, me, me.

I, I, I.

This is very, very sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 3:07pm
If there are rumors about him cheating on you then you need to nip that in the bud. Talk to him about it.

If you have different ideas about what to with your time and you spend a lot of time without each other(is he really with the guys?) then think about your differing personalities and how you will get along over time. That won't change.

I am glad you are taking the time to think introspectively. This is about you and your feelings so you should be thinking 'I' 'I' 'Me' 'Me' but for your fiance's sake, do the right thing.

You can be ready to be married in general but at this time, with your current fiance, I don't think that is the case.

Also, please don't jump into a relationship with this other guy if you do break up. It is too soon and you have him on a pedastal which will quickly drop. Then you will be in a situation where you will regret breaking it off with your fiance even though it sounds like it is the best thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 3:27pm
There is no such thing about "needing" to kiss someone else before you commit - you chose to cheat and you continue to choose to allow this man to be an obstacle to commitment. Your fiancee deserves a whole lot better than you - he deserves someone he can trust to be there for him and to be faithful to him - someone who thinks he is a prize. It is not the man that was so attractive - something that was missing in your relationship drew you to this man. At least postpone the wedding - do not tell your fiancee that you cheated - that is your guilt to bear and do not subject him to that in the name of honesty - right now you have some strange values about trust and honesty so burdening him would be selfish. Do not marry this man if you cannot resist the temptation of other men. He deserves better.

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