I'm cheating on my husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
I'm cheating on my husband
5
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 2:12pm
I have been married for seven years and have three children with my husband. Approximately a 1 1/2 years ago I started having an affair with a mutual friend of ours and have since fallen in love with him. I am very confused as to what to do. I want my children to grow up in a stable home with two parents and not have to worry about the stresses of divorce but yet on the other hand I am not happy. My husband is a wonderful person but does not fulfill me emotionally. He refuses to go to marriage counseling and will not talk about our problems. I have seen a counselor but it has not helped me. I'm scared of divorce and hurting my children and making the wrong decision. I am feeling very confused and in need of major help. Do I stay with my husband for the sake of the children? My family is totally against divorce and I'm afraid they would not accept anyone else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 6:09pm
Unfortunately, you have already made a wrong decision. If you were unhappy in your marriage, you should have had the dignity to try to fix it, and then stay/leave. Then have your affair. Divorce because your marraige can't ever work, not because you have the comfort of someone else waiting in the wings. (I know, this is not the typical ivillage supportive mushy response that you probably expected to hear)

That said, what kind of a loser did you hook up with? He is having an affair with his friend's wife? For over a year??!! Think about that. Marry him, and you will NEVER NEVER NEVER trust him - remember, he has affairs with even a friend's wife.(also, he will NEVER trust you) Probably hasn't filed for divorce himself, has he? Clue...

If your husband is a wonderful man, tell him either you go to counseling together, or you want a divorce. That may take care of the decision for you. If you do divorce, don't ever expect anyone, including your children, to accept the "friend". (I don't even know him and I think he's a sleaze.) Think about how difficult every situation will be. You never "end" a marriage with divorce when children are involved. The marriage just changes. You & "friend" will have to see the ex every other weekend at least. Don't forget holidays, and eventually weddings. That will be really fun.

Final thought. Your husband really does have the right to make the decision now, not even you. He deserves to know that you are having sex with another man, who god only knows how many women he is with. Hubby should get to decide if he wants to live with your actions, and the possible health ramifications. (condoms do NOT prevent all STDs)

Or maybe you'll all remain best friends!! 1.2.3.4.5 okay, stop holding your breath now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 7:50pm
How would your children benefit by your staying in this marriage and continuing this affair? What are they learning about love, trust, fidelity and honestly?

'I want my children to grow up in a stable home with two parents and not have to worry about the stresses of divorce '

What they learn and lose by observing your 'married' behavior and feelings can be far worse then the ramifications of a divorce.

You can remain civil with your ex and raise them well. It is all about positive choices and so far you are lacking in that category. It is time to make it up to your kids.


Edited 1/3/2004 9:57:41 PM ET by ciao_gina

Avatar for ladydacquri
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 8:49pm
The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Don't give up on something you have invested so much time and effort into. Even if you are madly in love (or whatever the case may be) with this other guy, that honeymoon stage wont last forever if you do indeed decide to be with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 9:45pm
I think what you have to do to be able to look yourself in the mirror is stop the affair now and for the next year go to couples counseling and put in 100% effort into the marriage - when you took vows, no one promised to be emotionally fulfilling - on the other hand, you promised not to react to deficiencies in your marriage by sleeping around. If your lover (is he married too??) is the right person for you he will want you to stop sleeping with him and will wait till one year after your divorce is final (after sincerely working on your marriage - right now you are a fraud - pretending to do the work but cheating at the same time - oh, please) to date you again. Of course, you will have to pray that he trusts you not to cheat on him - he is probably a fool if he does given that when you are not emotionally fulfillied, you cheat, but you will have to convince him that you now have morals and values. In addition, if you continue the affair and your husband finds out he will have a good argument as to why you shouldn't have full custody of your kids.

Please start acting like a reasonable human being - at least for the sake of the kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 10:48pm
I agree, the grass is not greener. I suggest you go to counseling by yourself and figure out what you really want, sort through you emotions and figure out your options.

Also think about this:

Question: I’m 49 years old, currently single, and having an affair with a married man. He’s 53 and neither of us has ever done such a thing in the past. I don’t believe he has any divorce plans and I’m not looking for him to. And I am ethically opposed to such marital betrayal. Seems to me this will eventually end with emotional pain — mine, his, maybe hers. Why, in your opinion, are two intelligent people taking such a risk? I just don’t seem to have the resolve to stop this.

Answer: Have you ever had a moment you just wanted to freeze and keep forever? Maybe it was a great conversation, a meal, a sunset, or some moment of bliss that you never wanted to end. In the back of your mind, you knew it would be gone soon. Maybe you went so far as to try and preserve it even though you knew that was impossible. But change is the most inevitable thing we face — everything changes.

It sounds to me like you’re trying to preserve this relationship against all odds. And, in so doing, you shed light on some of the most compelling reasons that people have affairs.

THE COCAINE OF ROMANCE

An affair is a relationship out of space and out of time. Although it is bound to end (everything does), an affair holds an implicit denial that it is vulnerable to the same forces as all other normal relationships.

Affairs are the cocaine of romance, always promising that initial rush and trying to eternally preserve the infatuation stage. Add to that the intrigue, secrecy and ever-present risk of getting caught, and you have a very powerful aphrodisiac. Maybe that is why infidelity is so common. Studies have found that approximately 25 percent to 37 percent of married men and 15 percent to 20 percent of married woman admit to having had extramarital sex at least once. It is likely that these numbers are actually much higher since those who engage in these dalliances are, by definition, accustomed to concealing the truth.

In addition to getting hooked on the juice of hormones, endorphins and adrenaline, we find several other themes that make affairs so compelling:

Control. No one wants to be the yo-yo; everyone wants to be the string. The closer someone is to you, the less control you have since true intimacy requires surrender. But an affair keeps the string in your hand because it is inherently limited. Even though you both are doing things you probably don’t want to do, when it comes to the big enchilada — namely commitment — you are safe.

Fear of intimacy. This is the fear of being truly seen. Affairs keep people stuck in the “early relationship” stage where everyone is on their best behavior, says please and thank you, and shaves the appropriate parts of their respective bodies.

Putting this kind of energy into being on your best behavior is all well and good, but not when it’s in the service of hiding your true self. Many people believe there are parts of themselves so unacceptable that to have them seen will inevitably result in them being rejected. Their solution: don’t ever relax, hope, or truly get involved with another person.

In addition to keeping you at a “safe distance,” an affair gives you the extra bonus of keeping your life intact so that when you are inevitably dumped, you haven’t lost anything. It’s like flying a flight simulator — you get all the thrills and none of the risk. Great solution, if only it was real.

Emotional claustrophobia. Some people feel that settling down with another person confines them too much. So affairs are great because there’s none of that forever stuff and there is always a way out.

Committed relationships can unleash a torrent of doubt. People wonder, “Is this it? Is this the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, who I’m going to retire with, who I’m going to die with?”

A committed relationship can also bring up all kinds of other unpleasant questions, such as, “Would I have been happier with my high school sweetheart?” or “I don’t see rockets — is this all love is?” or “Am I now on a collision course with retirement and death?”

An affair is like a fountain of youth. It encourages you to believe that your options are still open, more love might still happen, and you are still young and living a life of continuous adventure. By the way, if this doesn’t do it for you, heroin provides a similar effect.

Fear of success. This one is especially true for women. Face it, if you were involved with an available man he might just love you back and there would be no inherent reason for the relationship not to work out. You would get what you probably don’t feel that you deserve: unadulterated love. But with an affair, no matter how wondrous it feels, it is inherently flawed and limited.

FACING THE INEVITABLE END

Instead of obsessing about how you know you should stop the affair, think about what it is you are avoiding by staying in it. By continuing the affair, you’re missing out on a real relationship that is vulnerable to all the vicissitudes of time and place. In a real relationship, you could be with someone forever, but at times may not wish to be with him for another day. You seem to wonder whether you should or even can end this affair. But if you were truly happy, you would be writing love letters instead of SOS e-mails.

Stop deceiving yourself — try as you might to preserve it, the affair, like everything else, will end one way or the other. And when it does, there will be plenty of emotional pain to go round, as you point out. Definitely his, definitely hers, and definitely yours. What you don’t directly say in your letter is that the violation of your own morals is already causing you anguish, so it’s too late to prevent pain. What you still have a choice about is how bad the pain will be. (Hint — the longer the affair goes on, the worse it will hurt when it ends.)

The kicker about affairs is that they are based on deception and the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If he can lie to his wife, he can lie to you. And if you can deceive others, you can deceive yourself.

So take a deep breath, face the answer you knew before you wrote your letter, and take your chances with real love. It won’t last forever, but if you’re lucky it will last a lifetime.

David Marcus, Ph.D., of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre


Carrie