I'm commitment phobic
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| Mon, 06-14-2004 - 2:41pm |
Two years ago, I met a wonderful man and had an intensely close relationship with him. Well, as close as it seemed possible for me to get - I had rules and regulations on how much time we could spend together, how often one of us could spend the night, needs for girls' nights out, all kinds of barriers and boundaries on our time together and our closeness. Here's the thing - I just now recognized that this was the case. I was told in my 20s (after the end of my marriage) that I had commitment-related problems, had done a bit of therapy, but honestly thought I had beaten it, that my close relationship with this guy was proof that I was better. I didn't recognize my pattern with this guy as part of this problem. I did feel more emotionally, intellectually, and physically conntected with this guy than I ever had before with anyone, and I honestly believe this was the love I have always been looking for.
So, here's the problem - my wonderful guy, my Mr. Perfect, he wasn't supportive and wasn't around when I had a brush with cancer. So I left him. He said that I was always so independent, I always made it so difficult for him to get close, he didn't know how to be supportive of me, didn't know how to be there for me during the cancer episode. Now, I don't really know what to think about that, but I feel like I made so many terrible mistakes and that I destroyed our love with my issues. I now recognize all the patterns and behaviors of commitment phobia, and how I pulled him close but pushed him away, how he must have been hurt and confused by my behavior.
But, knowing that I have this problem, can I ever really trust my feelings? Do I now want him back and want to make the relationship work because I actually love him, or because this is part of my commitment phobia, and I'm wanting what I can't have now that it's a challenge? Is it that I want to keep my options open, that I can't commit to the end of the relationship any more than I could to the furtherance of the relationship? Today would have been our 2 year anniversary, but I ran away from him. Maybe I was justified in ending it, because I went through biopsies and surgery alone, but I can't help but feel that so much of what happened was my fault for creating and policing distance between us. What do I do with what I'm feeling now? Is it a recognition that I can and should try to work it out and try to recapture the love we had, or is it just my commitment phobia messing with my head again? Can and should I try to save this relationship?
Edited 6/14/2004 2:47 pm ET ET by milton333

Feelings ARE a result of situations. Situations are constantly changing with actions, decisions and words - only a portion of which are yours, and only yours do you control.
Feelings are not what you "trust" when pursuing relationships, sex, or commitment.
Feelings are not what you "follow" when pursuing anything at all.
Feelings are a result of situations and your perception of them and situations are constantly changing with actions, decisions, and words.
If you have no goals - then you have a "problem"......because then feelings appear to become just as relevant if not more so than facts, because "feelings" are real and they can be impactive and overwhelming and in response so that reality if you are emotionally driven to action vs. factually assessing, emotionally accepting, goal oriented and thus responsive to the facts of situations in light of your goal - you're going to be a wreck.
You're not going to trust you to create a successful life...and your inability to trust or bond with anybody else is the result of that lack of "personal self-trust, acceptance, awareness, and responsibility."
That is ALL a commitment phobe is...it's someone that belives options, opportunities, alliances, situation "dictate" their future and determine their successes - so they cannot "commit" to anybody, anything, anyone, anywhere - because out there someone is osmeone or something that can make them 'feel better" at least temporarily.
New is not better.....new is just "different'.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com