I'm confused and my heart aches
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| Thu, 01-10-2008 - 8:59am |
I'm 27 and I have been dating a girl for about two years. She is five years younger than me but in most ways I thought she was very mature for her age. We have been living together for quite some time, but until June we have had roommates. Since June the two of us have lived in an apartment that we picked out together. We live in a college town because I am trying to finish school. Unfortunately, school hasn't worked out like it should for me and the expenses have gotten so great that I need to relocate to a different city about two hours away. My gf was excited about the move, she hasn't really lived anywhere outside of her hometown and she thought it was going to be great. She was nervous about not having her friends or family around but I assured her things would be okay.
About three weeks ago I woke up for work to find that my newest resume, which I had emailed to some family to be edited had come back completed. I was really excited and told her that after all this time of talking about moving it was almost time for the real thing. That weekend she and I had a bit of a disagreement but we worked things out. A few days later she came home and told me that she was having doubts about us and wasn't sure what was going to happen. I was shocked. This is the woman that I thought was my soulmate. Someone who had been talking about getting married and having children and everything.
After she told me that she was having doubts I told her that it was pretty natural for people to get a little cold feet before a big change and that she should just think about things for a little bit. She promised that she wouldn't break up with me that day she would just consider her options. We went to bed but I couldn't sleep. I woke up the next morning early, took a shower, and got ready for work. Before I left I told her that we should talk about things when I came home from lunch.
All that morning I was worried sick. All I could think about was her leaving me and it drove me nuts. I was convinced that I had about 10% chance of this working out. So when I got home at lunch I told her that and she said no, it's not like that. I'm just unsure it is more like 50/50 odds. I felt a little better about things when I got back to work.
That evening she was home when I got home. I was tired, stressed, anxious, etc. I wanted to lay down with her and cuddle for a few minutes. When I saw her I couldn't contain myself and I just started to weep, weep like I never have before. She put her arms around me and told me that everything was okay, she wiped away my tears and kissed my face and told me that she loved me. She held me for more than an hour but she had a weeks old obligation that she couldn't miss and I didn't expect her to. We decided that we needed to talk about things some more. As she got ready her whole attitude changed. I could feel the difference in the way she looked, the tone of voice, etc. Right before she left I asked her if there were any problems and she said no. She told me she would be home after bar close and not to wait up.
I called my old roommate, the one who had lived with us, and asked his opinion. We thought she was probably just nervous about moving away and that we needed to talk about that and figure out all the options. After that call ended I called my gf and told her that I understood more of what she was feeling and that we could talk when she got home. She seemed pleased.
Twenty minutes later she sent me a text, "I have a DD. I am not coming home."
Twenty minutes after that I got another text, "I don't think we can do this anymore. I love you but I'm not in love with you. Been feeling this way for some time. Sorry".
I was heart broken. I couldn't believe anyone could do this to me. I went home to my parents house for a few days and she texted me to see if I wanted to talk She said she was really sorry about this and she never wanted to hurt me. We decided to meet up a few days later and figure things out. I was hopeful that we could.
So the day came for us to talk. She came back to the apartment and took a nap. I got home and she was in bed. I got in bed beside her and she pulled my arm around her and cuddled against me. She kissed me and told me that she loved me. We had a really long heart to heart. I told her that I didn't believe she didn't love me and I asked her what she did love about me. She said, I love how funny you are, how we are best friends, how I'm closer to you than anyone ever before, I love how you make me feel better, how you hold me, kiss me, cuddle me. I love how sexy you are and I even love your faults.
I asked her what the deal breaker was and she said, "I'm having doubts and you don't deserve someone with doubts".
We decided that we were going to take some time off and let her think things through. I was thinking a few weeks or a month.
The next day we had another talk and she revealed that she thought her best bet was to be single for a while, years possibly, and that if we were meant to be together they would work out. I was surprised that she thought her soul searching would last a year. I asked her how she ever thought things would just, "work out". She started to cry and told me that she was so confused and that this was the hardest thing she had ever done. I told her that she was really confused and she just needed some clarity. She wasn't willing to way we would get back together but she didn't want to say goodbye for ever. Since I have to move anyway we decided to be apart until I moved, and then have one last talk to see where the situation stands. I didn't want her to make a decision when she was so obviously stressed and confused.
I said it was best if we didn't speak during that time and now she has followed that to a T.
So here I am, confused, heart broken, etc. Only a month ago she was telling me that our relationship was great and that it was a miracle a relationship like ours existed. Now I find myself doubting everything there ever was.

Ugh...my heart breaks for you hearing that story.
I appreciate your taking the time to write. That was a really long story and I know that scares a lot of people away.
This whole situation just hurts really bad. Literally three days before we broke up I told a good friend that in the past all my relationships had failed at around the two year point, but this relationship was great and I was so happy. I talked of proposing to my GF. I was going to propose on Bastille day in Paris. It was going to be remarkable.
The worst part about this breakup is that I have to say goodbye to so many things: this is the first woman I wanted to marry, and I was already in love with the live we would live and the children we would have and now that is all gone.
The thoughts, feelings, and memories that I used to draw so much strength from now just cause me pain. I survive through the day by forcing myself to avoid thinking about certain things, but I fear the night because she fills my dreams. I haven't slept well in weeks, and I don't have an appetite.
I had two long relationships in my younger days, one that ended when I was 19 and one that ended when I was 21. After that I went through almost four years of being single, during that time I created a mental list of everything I wanted in woman, especially one that would be my wife and mother my children. My friends used to laugh at me because of how hard it would be to find someone like that. I searched for a long time before I found her and when I did I knew she was "the one".
When I was single I would sometimes get lonely and wonder where my future wife was. What was she doing? What did she look like? When I found my GF I laughed at all those thoughts. I told my friends that if I had known I would end up with her I would have never worried. Now I am too hurt to have that kind of optimism.
I am sure that things will get better. I have tried to look at this as an opportunity for greatness, as a chance to prove to myself that even when my worst nightmare comes true I can overcome it, but that only carries me so far.
I am so fortunate to have my friends because they are helping me get through this. Most of my friends I have known for more than a decade. They are unquestionably loyal to me. My gf will be the only best friend I have ever lost.
I miss her so bad. I find myself waiting for the call that never comes. When I come home to our apartment I look to see if her car is there, to see if she changed her mind. Each time the phone doesn't ring or I don't see her face I die a little inside.
I have lived a truly blessed life because this is the worst pain I have ever felt and I must be thankful for that.
I'm sorry for your pain, you seem to really care for her.
I'm also sorry that she's 22, and it takes a lot more for a 22 year old to be sure about someone and the rest of her life than it does for someone who is 27. It may be only a 5 year age difference but it's significant. She is so young in her adult life, and 22 is really young to get married. She barely knows who she is as a self-sufficient person and while I'm sure she loves you, she's also right... It's not right to go into a marriage with doubts. She probably realizes how much room she has to change before she's where you are in life. I'm not by any means calling you old, but a lot happens in your 20s. I'm 24 and not nearly in the same place as I was when I was 20. AND I AM VERY THANKFUL FOR THAT.
I'm sure you're a great guy, but right now what she needs isn't a great guy to settle down with. She needs to live her own life to the fullest. Is it possible you two will end up together? Sure. But you really have to be able to let her go.
I feel for you.