Im Confused....and Cheating
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Im Confused....and Cheating
| Thu, 03-25-2004 - 3:36am |
I have been in my current relationship for almost 3 years. I love my girlfriend very much and she loves me but I have been cheating on her for about a year now. Its not that I don't love my girlfriend, because i really do... but its just that i was also attracted to this other girl who was a mutual friend and always around when i needed anything. She was also attracted to me, and one night we got drunk and my girlfriend left early, and one thing led to another and me and the mutal friend kissed. As time went by i started spending more and more time alone with the mutal friend. One night my girlfriend found me and our friend laying on my bed with me asleep (fully clothed, above the covers) and got suspisous. Anyways now she is no longer friends with this girl but i continue to see this girl behind my girlfriends back. At first i felt alot of guilt and i felt really sad about doing this and tryed to end the cheating but everytime i did the girl would somehow guilt trip me back into it or just show up unannounced and seduce me. I now have grown feelings for this other girl and am currently juggling between the 2 women. I really love my girlfriend and i want to just be with her in a faithful relationship and hopefully someday get married and spend the rest of my life with her, but i also have feelings for this other close friend turned lover. My lover knows about my girlfriend and wants me to leave her and just be with her, but i know it it will be a big mistake because i dont feel that the relationship would last, and i know that i can not stand the thought of my lover with another guy, so that is another factor keeping me from ending it with her. I am in love with 2 women, is this possible? i just need some help sorting things out....
- IF i come clean, and tell my girlfriend the truth, i know it will destroy her and she would leave me and i could never bear to hurt her that much.
- If i go with this other woman, i know i will be not be happy, because my girlfriend is the only one that can make me happy but i care about the woman alot and can not ever except the fact that if she is not with me she is going to be with someone else and i also would never want to lose her friendship.
is there anyway to save my current relationship with my girlfriend? And how can i end the relationship with my friend and just drop it down a few notches to just be close friends and get over my feelings for her?
what should i do?????
Edited 3/25/2004 4:50 am ET ET by coronax

First off, stop blaming the other women for your actions. Granted, we are all human, but we are the only ones responsible for our actions. You aren't being forced into anything. Your being a cheater and lier because you can be - and because even with the guilt, you are more concerned with YOUR wants and needs then that of your girlfriend and your relationship with her.
My advice is to drop number 2, come clean with number 1 (would you prefer she heard it through number 2 or someone else????) and get on your knees and beg for forgiveness. You have done her terribly WRONG!!! You never allow a third person into your relationship - and this is exactly why.....
Yes, this may be a deal breaker to your girlfriend. And she may not be able to get past it. She may cry, scream, curse you to hell. BUT she may also decide that she loves you and wants you in her life STILL. As long as you show her that you are willing to do anything to make it work, try therapy, win back her trust, she may forgive. She wont forget... ever. Regardless of any wrongs she committed (besides cheating) in this relationship, you have far exceeded them. AND anything that she did do doesnt mean it is okay to cheat. Just like I said - you are the one in control of your actions. Nothing your girlfriend or this other women did MADE YOU CHEAT!!! You made that CHOICE, and it was a choice.
Is cheating something you have done in the past??
There are a couple of boards on ivillage that deal with infidelity - try them.
I do wish you luck. Considering that I was on the receiving end of the stick with my ex, I know that it can squeeze your breath out of you, and make you want to puke. BUT you can get past it. My ex made it obvious that I was the one with the problems that MADE HIM cheat.. so he is the ex. Take responsability for this - go into it taking blame, not placing it.
Lots of luck!!!!
PlayNICE
I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board.
can do to a loving person such as your girl freind? I do, I have been on
the receiving end and it can distroy you. To be blunt, move on and allow her
to have a loving honest relationship.I am sorry if its not what you wanted
to hear but you did ask.
::Its not that I don't love my girlfriend, because i really do...
I don't buy it. Love is about honor, commitment, integrity, companionship, giving, sharing, loyality, respect, trust, admiration. If you loved her, you would treat her with all of these, but instead you have betrayed her.
::but its just that i was also attracted to this other girl who was a mutual friend and always around when i needed anything.
You will always be attracted to other people, but it doesn't mean you have to ACT on every impulse, desire, etc. It's a maturity thing. I think you aren't mature enough for a full-time, long term relationship.
::Anyways now she is no longer friends with this girl but i continue to see this girl behind my girlfriends back.
More lies and deceit, not love.
::At first i felt alot of guilt and i felt really sad about doing this and tryed to end the cheating but everytime i did the girl would somehow guilt trip me back into it or just show up unannounced and seduce me.
NOT. Take responsiblity for your actions. You sleep with her because YOU WANT TO SLEEP WITH HER. NO, means no, but if you are saying no, while climbing in bed with her, then you aren't really trying to end it. In addition, I would also say that your ego is loving this. You LOVE the attention. It makes you feel desirable, wanted, validated as a man, which tells me that you are either insercure with yourself or that you have low self-esteem and being with this girl makes her desire a reflection of your self-esteem.
::I really love my girlfriend and i want to just be with her in a faithful relationship and hopefully someday get married and spend the rest of my life with her, but i also have feelings for this other close friend turned lover.
Riiiiight. Sorry, again, this is not love. There is some character flaw in you - your values, your morals, something in you that thinks you can justify your cheating.
::I am in love with 2 women, is this possible? i just need some help sorting things out....
You may be sexually obessed with the one girl or you are run by your hormones and emotions, but that is not love.
::- IF i come clean, and tell my girlfriend the truth, i know it will destroy her and she would leave me and i could never bear to hurt her that much.
You are already hurting her. Igornance is NOT bliss. You are lying to her by omission, you sneak around, cheat, you are dishonest, you don't have integirty YET you want to keep her. Let her go so she can find someone worthy of her.
::- If i go with this other woman, i know i will be not be happy, because my girlfriend is the only one that can make me happy but i care about the woman alot and can not ever except the fact that if she is not with me she is going to be with someone else and i also would never want to lose her friendship.
You have this all wrong. Your girlfriend can't make you happy. Sex can't make you happy. This other woman can't make you happy. Happiness comes from within. From knowing you are worthy of love, committment, loyality, respect. My guess is along with self-esteem issues, you have self-worth issues and don't feel good about yourself. You look to others to boost your self-esteem through sex.
::is there anyway to save my current relationship with my girlfriend?
Stop seeing the other women, go to counseling, find out why you have made the choices that you have, come clean with your girlfriend, take the risk of losing her, since you already are by cheating on her.
::And how can i end the relationship with my friend and just drop it down a few notches to just be close friends and get over my feelings for her?
You can't. You have to end it completely if you think you want to save the relationship with your girlfriend. Once you tell your girlfriend, there is no way you can remain friends (close or otherwise) as your girlfriend would always suspect you of continued cheating. Especially since you have already proved you can't deny your sexual urges with this woman. As for your feelings for this other girl - getting over it comes with healing and knowing yourself better.
::what should i do?????
Take responsibility for your actions, choices and behavior. Tell your girlfriend, dump your friend, go to counseling. If you end up alone, consider it a chance to learn more about you.
From Renaissance Man: The choices you make dictate the life you lead.
Sorry if you think this is harsh, but I call them like I see them!
Edited 3/25/2004 2:33 pm ET ET by itwinflame
Carrie
Telling your girlfriend...that's up to you. Like I said, I didn't and it happened to work for me. I ended up dropping the "other" guy, friendship and all, and just seeing my boyfriend ONLY. It was the best thing I could ever do-HARD- but worth it. Just remember though, if you don't tell her there IS ALWAYS a chance that she could find out and YOU'RE the one that will have to live with knowing that.
If you know that your girlfriend is def. the one you want to be with and the "other" girl knows that too (I'm assuming you HAVE told her that) then she's not really that good of a friend anyway if she keeps pulling you back in. Your girlfriend probably has the right idea by not being friends with her anymore...girls tend to sense these things about each other. You have a sexual attachment to her and she knows it and is using that for her benifit...making you confuse that with love. Sex doesn't equal love. If she's with you knowing that you have someone else in the first place then that should raise the flag that she's not a good friend. Someone once told me that you tend to look through rose colored glasses when looking at you own lives. I think your doing the same thing with this other girl. It's obvious that you already know most of what I'm telling you by your posting because you said yourself "If i go with this other woman, i know i will be not be happy, because my girlfriend is the only one that can make me happy" You also said "but i care about the woman alot and can not ever except the fact that if she is not with me she is going to be with someone else". This part I don't understand. She accepts the fact YOUR with someone else. She doesn't seem to care so why should you care if she is??? Don't you think her consious should bother her enough to realize you have a happy life and she's just messing it up? Don't you ever wonder why it doesn't? This should be another flag that she's just in it mostly for the sex and not the feelings. I bet she says things that make you think she really cares too. Take those rose colored glasses off and see things for what it is. You already know what needs to be done now go out there and do it. I'm not completly blaming the other girl either...you didn't have to do what you did but now it your chance to make things right. Well, they will never be "right". This isn't a test with right and wrong answers that you can just erase the wrong and put the right one in but this is your chance to change the way things are. Like I said, I think from your post you already know what needs to be done, I think your looking for someone to help you get the courage to do it...well, I hope this helps...best wishes
sweetnopichick
Yes it is possible to love two women at the same time. If you have given your girlfriend the impression that you are exclusive with her, and then you turn around and allow yourself to be seduced by one of her friends, that is morally wrong. You say you have guilt, and for good reason.
You seem to be emotionally bonded to your girlfriend. From what you have said, you have a more physical union with your lover. That will pass in time. Sex can't keep a mate or lover.
You have to make up your mind, you can't have both. My guess is that in time, if you continue with your lover, your girlfriend will find out your little secret meetings and throw you out.
You said yourself that "I know only my Girlfriend can make me happy", so that is your answer!
You need to make a decision on one or the other. Life is full of tough decisions. If you continue on like this you are only fooling yourself, and you will devastate your Girlfriend. Furthermore, when she finds out what is going on (which she probably will), she will have no trust for you. Why do you want to hurt her like this? You say you love her, so why can't you commit to one person? You need to ask yourself these questions.
You can't continue to lead your GF on like this, and the girl you are cheating with is delusional, because she KNOWS you love your GF. You have to come to a decision quickly, because you are on a "runaway train", and you are about to crash! I'm telling you....you are going to hurt a lot of people if you continue on this affair.
What do you want out of life....."Lust" or true, lasting "Love"?
I wish you the best.
thank you kindly