Im dating a married woman
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Im dating a married woman
| Sun, 07-01-2007 - 8:21pm |
My girlfriend and i have been dating seriously for about a year, and we knew each other for about a year before that. I am very seriously in love with her, like i have never loved anyone before. This is the first relationship i have ever been in in which it was not about what i could get from it, but about what i could give, and what WE can get out of it. It really is a partnership, in the truest sense of the word. I really sincerely try to put her first in everything, even before myself. I say that because i dont want anyone reading this to think that this relationship is anything less than completely utterly serious to me, or that she is anything less than the one and only love of my life, or that i am pointing out problems that she has, or ways that she is wrong. None of the things you will read below are necessarily bad, unless they make her unhappy...they are things that are true about her, and so i love them...i would never ever ask or even want her to change in any way, but they are standing in the way of our happiness and of our making our shared dreams come true. Now, the problem, as you may have surmised from the title above, is that she is married. She has been married for almost 13 years. She tells me that she loves me, and that if i can be patient, she is going to leave him for me. Not "maybe", not "im not sure", she says that she is sure that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, which is also my dearest wish. Sounds great so far, right? I am really struggling with the fact that she keeps saying this but not doing it. i really am struggling with being patient, and when we are apart, i frequently find myself doubting her resolve to make this happen. I have definite difficulties trusting, so maybe some advice regarding that, regarding making me better at trusting, would be in order! Before i go any further, i want to give some idea of the relationship that we have. i want anyone reading this to understand why i say that she is the love of my life. The thing that attracted me to her initially was that i detected in her a kindred spirit. After getting to know her better, i can say that i have never known anyone else that i had so much in common with. We have many many interests in common, we are both geeks...into comic books, science fiction, etc...we both also enjoy murder mysteries, and are "media junkies" in general. We both have a strong desire to travel, we want to experience everything that there is to experience...we spend many hours curled up on the couch watching those travel shows, day dreaming about travelling together. We go for walks in the park, we spend hours and hours just talking about mundane things that to anyone else would seem completely trvial. We laugh and cry together. We do housework together. We do bills together. We virtually never ever fight, and every single fight we have ever had has been about the inability to move our relationship to the next level...most of those fights can be attributed to me, and so i have really made an effort to stop bringing it up, to stop pressuring her about it, those kinds of things, and i think that i have been successful. We are also very similar emotionally. We share things that neither of us have ever shared with anyone else, because each of us knows that the other understands, which is an amazing feeling. we have the same fears, we have the same neuroses, the same hang ups, and we want the same things out of life. We have the same political views. We have amazing sex, spiritual and intense and satisfying to both of us. We sincerely love each other as we are. Neither of us expects the other to change in any way, but we both know that if the either person wants to change, the other is there for them to help and support in any way possible. And she DOES inspire me to change. She makes me want to be a better person, the person that i could have and should have been. We have completely honest and open lines of communication, even regarding difficult and unpleasant topics, which is something else i have never experienced before. I feel that i can be completely myself around her, and she told me the other day that she has never known anyone before that she felt she could be honest with...that she spent every second of her life doing things for other people, and that for the first time in her life, she felt that she could do things for herself, and that she could be honest about her needs and wants. i know that it is trite, but it really does feel like we are the same soul in two bodies, and that when we come together, the whole is so much more than the sum of our parts. Compare to that to the marriage she is in now in which her and her spouse say at most 15 words a day to each other, in which they dont EVER do anything together, even on their anniversaries, he didnt even get her anything for her birthday this year! She is responsible for EVERYTHING, and he is a complete slob...i know this last statement to be true because i spend many hours picking up after him. Based on the description that both she and her mother have given to me, coupled with what i have observed, they are married only in name, and live like roommates, with completely separate lives and nothing in common. There are a couple of problems though. i think that they all come down to her fear. I dont want to sound like i am criticizing her, because i am not. i dont want her to change, and i love her like she is. i really do understand her fears and why she feels the way she does, but that does not make it easier to handle. What i am asking for here is just some advice on how i can help her come to grips with her fears. If the result is that we are able to move forward, like both of us desire, then that would be a dream come true. Now, as i see it, the following things are her main concerns. 1) She is petrified of hurting her husband, and very reluctant to do so. Again, i completely understand. If she were less caring, selfless, and generous, she would not be the woman i fell in love with, but i do believe that she allows this selflessness to stop her from seeking her own happiness. If she is with me out of the same misguided loyalty, i would want her to leave me too...i never ever want to do anything to stand in the way of her happiness, but i truly, deep in my heart, believe that we will be happier together than any couple since...well, since forever. 2) She is afraid that i am "too good to be true" (her words) and that things will change when we get together, perhaps even deteriorating to the point that her current marriage is at. This is another one that i completely understand. We have both been betrayed in the past many many times by people we should have been able to trust. I think that she has simply lost her faith. The question is, how do i help her get it back? 3) Her husband makes more $ than i do, and she has about $20000 in debt that she wants to pay off before leaving him. She is not materialistic, but she is afraid of being poor. I can understand that. i mean, as much as people would like to believe, as much as they would like to romanticize and fool themselves to the contrary, money is important. i dont want her to be poor anymore than i want to be poor myself. $ is important to her, so it is important to me too. So, i guess that that is about it. Thanks sincerely for listening. Any suggestions?

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Welcome to the board masterofallu2,
You probably won't like my advice, but I'm going to give it to you straight and it won't be easy to do.
As long as you are involved with her, stay with her, talk to her and carry on with her, you make it very easy for HER to stay EXACTLY WHERE SHE IS.
Thank you so much for your reply. You know, it's funny, but she actually told me one time that i made being married to him bearable. At the time, it kinda bothered me, but she meant it as a compliment, so i tried to take it as such without being a whiny baby, but i suppose that in some way, i have always believed what you are saying to be true. The difficulty in that is...i think that if i truly love her, if i really do put her ahead of myself, if she needs what i provide to her, and i think that she does, wouln't it be selfish of me to withhold that for my own gain?
And as for your last comment, of course i dont want her to cheat on me, and that is a DEFINITE fear that i have, something that i have considered a LOT, but i believe part of a good partnership is trust, so i have to believe that she will be faithful to me as long as i treat her right. Please tell me what you think. i really do appreciate your thoughts on this.
Thanks again, sincerely.
Relationships that start as yours and hers did, fail just about each and every time. For starters, she's a cheater. Rationalize it all you want, but how most ADULTS carry out their lives and marriages is by ending something bad before beginning something new, otherwise they're just cheaters who ignore their problems.
Finally, by getting involved with someone who has not given themselves the time to be alone and get their act together (you're a rebound, don't forget it) you're setting yourself up for a mighty big fall. I'm sure that you feel that your situation is different that because it is it won't fall into the pitfalls that 99.999999% of these types of relationships do, but I think you've been forewarned plenty.
Of all the fish in the sea, you pick one that's taken.
i truly love her, if i really do put her ahead of myself, if she needs what i provide to her, and i think that she does, wouln't it be selfish of me to withhold that for my own gain?
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So basically you love her more than you do yourself? You need to LOVE and Respect yourself first and foremost. You need honesty and trust among other things for a healthy relationship, how can you have that when you are both lying and cheating? How long are you willing to put her needs about your own?
Cheater = Liar......You both have been lying and cheating for 2 years (at least your moral values seem to be the same). So you are ok with her going and climbing in bed with her husband after she has been with you? Of course you make her marriage bearable... she has her cake and gets to eat it to. If she wanted to be with you she would be. Maybe her husband will find out and kick her to the curb and you can have what you want. Cheater + Cheater = Cheater. Karma is a B*tch and it will come back to bite you.
::And as for your last comment, of course i dont want her to cheat on me, and that is a DEFINITE fear that i have, something that i have considered a LOT, but i believe part of a good partnership is trust, so i have to believe that she will be faithful to me as long as i treat her right. Please tell me what you think.
Seriously, what goes around comes around. So even if you trust her, or the next woman, the chances are they will cheat, due to the seeds you have sown.
:i think that if i truly love her, if i really do put her ahead of myself, if she needs what i provide to her, and i think that she does, wouln't it be selfish of me to withhold that for my own gain?
This is not about 'your own gain' - this is about loving and respecting yourself enough to do the right thing.
'so i have to believe that she will be faithful to me as long as i treat her right.'
Not necessarily. She is behaving in a cowardly way. Instead of getting out of a bad situation she is choosing to lie and cheat so that she can pay off her debt. There are so many things wrong there, don't you agree? Do you want her to stay with you for all the wrong reasons? What if you two get together and things go downhill. you will never be able to trusst her.
'i believe part of a good partnership is trust'
But she doesn't and has proven that in her marriage. SHe is not doing her part to create and instill trust is she?
Wow! Thanks to everyone for your responses...your advice is sage, and i have taken everything to heart. I have noticed that my response to the first response that i received seems to have generated more advice than my original text, so, to everyone that has said that i should not trust her and that cheaters never change, we actually have discussed this several times, starting several months ago. She has already agreed to go to counseling with me once she is out of the relationship she is in. Like i said, we share a lot of the same emotional baggage, and we both have a lot of things to work through. Both of us have a real desire to make this relationship work, and are aware of the hard work that it is going to require. i am not going into this with blinders on, i know that the odds are against us, and that it is going to be a very difficult road. But i also KNOW that what we have is not based solely on a feeling. There is a genuine and palpable commitmemt from both of us, her too, to make this everything that it could be, everything that a partnership and a marriage should be. I really do appreciate everything that all of you have told me, and i know that it comes from a place of trying to help me avoid being hurt, so thanks so much for your caring and sometimes brutal honesty, and i sincerely do agree with a lot of the things that everyone has said. What i am looking for though, is not reasons to get out of the relationship. I love her unconditionally and if this thing puts me in the ground, then so be it, i will go down thinking that it was worth it, knowingly making the decision to follow that path, but i am not leaving her. That may sound like co-dependence, naivete, or just plain foolishness, but i am not the only one who is contributing to this, and what she gives me, support, love, tenderness, and someone who understands me, is worth any sacrifice. I am not being a martyr. She has already given up a lot to be with me, and if i did not believe she thought this was worth sacrifice as much as i do, i would be gone. What i am really looking for is a way to help her move past her fears and financial dependence on him so that we can start living out the dreams we have shared. I know that it probably would be beneficial to me to break up with her, so that she would be in a position to fully appreciate what i add to her life compared to what is missing when i am gone. However, she needs me, and i am not going to deprive her of what she needs just to satisfy my own selfishness. If it takes 5 or 50 years, in which case we would probably both be long dead, i am prepared to make that sacrifice. It would be difficult, and half of it would be very very lonely, but i have promised myself and her that no matter what ever happens i will stand by her. Does anyone out there have any advice to give me on what i can do to help assuage her fears? i would like to say again that no one has told me anything that i have not already considered, and i do think that none of you are off base. i really do appreciate what you all are trying to do. What i really want, what i am asking for, is not reasons that it cant work or reasons that i should get out now before it is too late, because i have already played all these scenarios in my own mind and in conversation with her, i am looking for a non-manipulative, supporting way that i can speed up the process. i believe and trust that this could be everything that either of have been looking for since we started dating. a very large portion of the time that we spend together is not "exciting", nor is the relationship that we share fulfilling only because of future promise. the individual moments are the best i have ever had. please, in the future, try to limit your responses to positive things that can be done to get what her and i both want but dont know how to get.
Thanks again.
Dating a married woman is a mistake that will end very badly for all involved.
I am willing to believe that you love her, and that maybe she loves you too.
However, she is emotionally entwined with her husband and family. Until she is dovirced and recovered from her divorce, she will never be a real partner nor wife.
In your shoes, I'd wait until she's completely divorced, and then another two years from the date of the divorce before you start dating again.
Statistics show that's how long it takes for one person leaving a marriage to fully process the damage and hurt of divorce and be fully available to you as a relationship partner.
There's no such thing as "divorced in my heart", or "out of love for years". These are rationalizations to circumvent the difficult and painful process of greiving a bad marriage.
If you continue to hook up with her, this relationship will end and you will hate each other. If you marry her, the two of you will divorce.
I know this sounds harsh, but it's the cold truth.
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