Im dating a married woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2007
Im dating a married woman
19
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 8:21pm
My girlfriend and i have been dating seriously for about a year, and we knew each other for about a year before that. I am very seriously in love with her, like i have never loved anyone before. This is the first relationship i have ever been in in which it was not about what i could get from it, but about what i could give, and what WE can get out of it. It really is a partnership, in the truest sense of the word. I really sincerely try to put her first in everything, even before myself. I say that because i dont want anyone reading this to think that this relationship is anything less than completely utterly serious to me, or that she is anything less than the one and only love of my life, or that i am pointing out problems that she has, or ways that she is wrong. None of the things you will read below are necessarily bad, unless they make her unhappy...they are things that are true about her, and so i love them...i would never ever ask or even want her to change in any way, but they are standing in the way of our happiness and of our making our shared dreams come true. Now, the problem, as you may have surmised from the title above, is that she is married. She has been married for almost 13 years. She tells me that she loves me, and that if i can be patient, she is going to leave him for me. Not "maybe", not "im not sure", she says that she is sure that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, which is also my dearest wish. Sounds great so far, right? I am really struggling with the fact that she keeps saying this but not doing it. i really am struggling with being patient, and when we are apart, i frequently find myself doubting her resolve to make this happen. I have definite difficulties trusting, so maybe some advice regarding that, regarding making me better at trusting, would be in order! Before i go any further, i want to give some idea of the relationship that we have. i want anyone reading this to understand why i say that she is the love of my life. The thing that attracted me to her initially was that i detected in her a kindred spirit. After getting to know her better, i can say that i have never known anyone else that i had so much in common with. We have many many interests in common, we are both geeks...into comic books, science fiction, etc...we both also enjoy murder mysteries, and are "media junkies" in general. We both have a strong desire to travel, we want to experience everything that there is to experience...we spend many hours curled up on the couch watching those travel shows, day dreaming about travelling together. We go for walks in the park, we spend hours and hours just talking about mundane things that to anyone else would seem completely trvial. We laugh and cry together. We do housework together. We do bills together. We virtually never ever fight, and every single fight we have ever had has been about the inability to move our relationship to the next level...most of those fights can be attributed to me, and so i have really made an effort to stop bringing it up, to stop pressuring her about it, those kinds of things, and i think that i have been successful. We are also very similar emotionally. We share things that neither of us have ever shared with anyone else, because each of us knows that the other understands, which is an amazing feeling. we have the same fears, we have the same neuroses, the same hang ups, and we want the same things out of life. We have the same political views. We have amazing sex, spiritual and intense and satisfying to both of us. We sincerely love each other as we are. Neither of us expects the other to change in any way, but we both know that if the either person wants to change, the other is there for them to help and support in any way possible. And she DOES inspire me to change. She makes me want to be a better person, the person that i could have and should have been. We have completely honest and open lines of communication, even regarding difficult and unpleasant topics, which is something else i have never experienced before. I feel that i can be completely myself around her, and she told me the other day that she has never known anyone before that she felt she could be honest with...that she spent every second of her life doing things for other people, and that for the first time in her life, she felt that she could do things for herself, and that she could be honest about her needs and wants. i know that it is trite, but it really does feel like we are the same soul in two bodies, and that when we come together, the whole is so much more than the sum of our parts. Compare to that to the marriage she is in now in which her and her spouse say at most 15 words a day to each other, in which they dont EVER do anything together, even on their anniversaries, he didnt even get her anything for her birthday this year! She is responsible for EVERYTHING, and he is a complete slob...i know this last statement to be true because i spend many hours picking up after him. Based on the description that both she and her mother have given to me, coupled with what i have observed, they are married only in name, and live like roommates, with completely separate lives and nothing in common. There are a couple of problems though. i think that they all come down to her fear. I dont want to sound like i am criticizing her, because i am not. i dont want her to change, and i love her like she is. i really do understand her fears and why she feels the way she does, but that does not make it easier to handle. What i am asking for here is just some advice on how i can help her come to grips with her fears. If the result is that we are able to move forward, like both of us desire, then that would be a dream come true. Now, as i see it, the following things are her main concerns. 1) She is petrified of hurting her husband, and very reluctant to do so. Again, i completely understand. If she were less caring, selfless, and generous, she would not be the woman i fell in love with, but i do believe that she allows this selflessness to stop her from seeking her own happiness. If she is with me out of the same misguided loyalty, i would want her to leave me too...i never ever want to do anything to stand in the way of her happiness, but i truly, deep in my heart, believe that we will be happier together than any couple since...well, since forever. 2) She is afraid that i am "too good to be true" (her words) and that things will change when we get together, perhaps even deteriorating to the point that her current marriage is at. This is another one that i completely understand. We have both been betrayed in the past many many times by people we should have been able to trust. I think that she has simply lost her faith. The question is, how do i help her get it back? 3) Her husband makes more $ than i do, and she has about $20000 in debt that she wants to pay off before leaving him. She is not materialistic, but she is afraid of being poor. I can understand that. i mean, as much as people would like to believe, as much as they would like to romanticize and fool themselves to the contrary, money is important. i dont want her to be poor anymore than i want to be poor myself. $ is important to her, so it is important to me too. So, i guess that that is about it. Thanks sincerely for listening. Any suggestions?

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Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 4:21pm

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you've already gotten advice and you are choosing not to take it. You would rather cater to her "needs" which are more important than your own.

Wouldn't you rather have her in your life because she WANTS you and not because she NEEDS you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 4:36pm

Hi there,

Listen, I'm certainly not going to tell you whether or not you should leave this relationship and why -- it really doesn't make sense for me to add to or reiterate suggestions other posters gave, because you've already decided to do things a certain way. You say both of you are being realistic about your relationship and recognize its potential difficulties while restating how much in love you are, neither of which are topics that I believe need any more discussion.
However, I remember in your very first post that you mentioned how continually frustrated you are with her SAYING she's going to leave and then not following through. The bottom line for your relationship seems to be, no matter how much you wax poetic about her and how wonderful you are together (which I'm not saying I doubt), you asking how to help her overcome her fear of leaving her husband simply isn't your job, nor can you push her to do something she isn't ready to do. No one can say when she might feel ready to leave her husband, if ever -- it could be a month, it could be 5 years. If you want to wait that long, its certainly your life, but in my opinion the only thing you could POSSIBLY do to move things along would be to ask her to consider counseling. Perhaps, in meeting with a counselor, she could come to terms with her failed relationship and develop the strength of mind to actually leave her husband. You said:

"i dont think for one second that even a single step of this journey is going to be easy. But, i do believe that we can make it work if we both truly want that, if we are willing to work our hearts, minds, and fingers to the bone to make it a success."

I think this is true; yet, you can put EVERYTHING you have into this relationship and still be waiting for her to sever ties, because you have NO control over it. She HAS to make all of these moves herself. If she TRULY wants the same things you do, then she will somehow have to find it within herself to go through with a divorce. You can't make her, you can't push her, you can only wait. You've mentioned your unhappiness in doing that, but you've also said you'll wait forever. So I suppose, then, you've been given advice from every angle and you can only control your choices in this relationship. I'm sorry we can't help you more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2006
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 5:36pm
My heart goes out to you. You should have never got yourself into this situation. I know you want to spend your life with her and love her with all your heart. I do not feel that she will ever leave her husband. She is stringing you along, of course she loves you very much, but she is afraid of the unknown. You are no guarantee of her lifetime of happiness. She is choosing to fence sit now and probably forever if you let her. 13 years is a long time and she feels almost an obligation to stay with her husband. You can hope and talk to her all you want. I don't want to hurt you in any way, but she is NEVER going to leave. You need to give her an ultimatum. Perhaps a deadline when she guarantees you that she will leave. If she says she can't ....they there you have it . Take that as her answer. Also remember the saying, if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you. Believe me it is true! There was a time in her life when her husband was her one and only love. He probaly could never imagine that she would cheat on him either. It is your life. An unmarried woman would make things a lot easier for you. I wish you luck as everyone deserves to be happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 5:48pm

You have two choices:

Choice One:

To move out of limbo, you need to take a break from her. You re-start your relationship two years from the date her divorce is finalized.

This is not negativity -- this is how you will end up with her in a long term relationship that will work.

Choiec Two:

She runs this relationship as she sees fit. You are an appendage that she pays attention to when it suits her.

Accept the situation as is, Relish those rare occasions when she pays attention to you. The rest of the time you wait, and don't you dare complain or feel bad -- this is the coice you made.

Now, if I had wanted to be full of the negativity, I would have written something like this:

Your relationship with her: is a fantasy. Its like meeting someone on the Love Boat and having a fling that lasts for three or four days. Its a synthetic mix of the naughty/taboo with no real intimacy or personal emotional investment on her part. If you want to see what she is really like in a relationship, examine how she treats her husband on a day to day basis. That's what a long term relationship looks like involving this woman.

You -- you are in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable woman. She unhesitantly uses you and her husband to make herself feel better and returns nothing. (Maybe the sex is super hot, but after a while, the hotness will fade away.) The method you use for choosing a relationship partner is defective. Choosing an emotionally unavailable woman is a very unflattering statement about your emotional health. I am concerned for you, you are going to be devastated by this woman. You are not in a relationship, you are a door mat.

Her -- She does not want to take the time to end her marriage, assess her mental state and work on herself to be a better person. She chooses to remain in the marriage, likely because it affords her a level of creature comfort she does not want to lose. She stays in the marriage because it would be too painfull to HER to leave the marriage. She is depriving her husband of any level of dignity much less any form of a genuine marrital relationship. These are fundamentally hostile treatments to her husband. She's using him for money, and using you for sex and emotional support.

She is narcissistic to an extreme. Be careful of this one. Narcisisits, male and female, can often hide their sociopathic tendencies!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 11:55pm

Hi again,


You might find this board more appropriate:


My Affair Support


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2007
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 12:20am

Thanks from the bottom of my heart for the advice. and sincerely thanks to the woman who has been married for 20 years and now that her kids are grown is still finding it hard to leave. it is wonderful to hear from someone who relates, even if from the other side. I wish you the courage to make your dreams come true. You know, in reading my last post here (i admit, it was a bit hostile...please forgive me) and some of the responses that i have received from it, i would like to present a scenario. As i mentioned previously, i believe that everyone has reason to be afraid of love. Everyone has been hurt or betrayed by someone that they should have been able to depend on. But, what if, just what if, there is a one in infinity chance that this could be for me, and for her, what all of us have always expected and wanted, what we have needed from love? Yes, we will have to struggle and hurt and bleed and work to make it that, but, it is an effort that is rewarding beyond anything else i have ever experienced. I dont believe that there is anyone, anywhere would not give everything...their comforts, their jobs, their religions, the blood in their veins and the breath in their lungs for a shot at a love that is real and deep and genuine. This is my shot, and i absolutely refuse to let it go, come what may. i dont want to be laying on my deathbed in 30 years wondering what my life could have been. She fulfills me, she understands me, and i believe in HER potential. To be more than the sum of her hurts. To transcend her nature and to be better than she has been. i believe in the same for myself. Isnt that why we're here? to learn and grow, to improve on what we start out with? some of you seem to think that i dont get anything out of this, and perhaps that is my fault. I do sacrifice a lot to be with her, and i hurt deeply when we are not together. But she ...im sure you've all heard someone say about something that it made their day? she makes my life. And it has nothing to do with sex. The best thing about the sex is not that it's "hot", which it sometimes is, but that when we are making love, our souls are bared and we are exposed and vulnerable and emotionally naked, and we touch and allow ourselves to be touched in places that have been walled off for as long as we can remember.

i defy anyone to find a more worthy cause to cling to, to fight for, to believe in, than true love that frees you and captures you all at the same time, love that inspires and sparks you, and to share that love with someone that you can be yourself with, someone that you dont have to hold back with, that you can be goofy or smart or geeky or nasty or lazy with and they love you just the same. None of this is about complaining, i know what i have chosen, i am ready to wait forever if that is what it takes. I dont know about any of you, but when i see something that i need and i dont know how to get it, i try new things, i research, i ask around, i try anything. That is what i have been doing here. Sorry if i pissed anyone off or was not clear from the beginning with what i wanted. Thanks, twinflame, for the link...i think i will try my luck there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 1:31am

Hello,

I can relate to your situation remotely. I was with someone that I was deeply attached to..but the relationship was not complete and fulfilling.. when I started feeling attracted to someone other than him, I decided to leave him. It hurt me a lot.. But I respected him..I didnt want to be "with" him and cheating him.

What you say is right that it is hard for her to not be attached to her husband after 13 years. But may be you could take her to counselling so that she could get the strength to do what is right. I dont believe that she is worrying that she will hurt him. She is actually worrying how her future will be if she leaves him. She is actually hurting him now more than ever by putting down his dignity. She knows that she is not giving him what he deserves. So it is not about him. It is all about her.

I see that you have shown her enough that you will stand by her. I think if she doesnt leave him now she will never. Does she have any kids? If she had kids that is one reason why she might stay.

How does she find so much time to spend with you? How does she take care of home and husband and be with you all at the same time. Does he doubt her? Is she so good at convincing him that she is still 100% with him?

You seem to be 100 % in love with her. Why cant she take a break from her husband temporarily ..like a trial separation... tell him the relationship doesnt feel 100% and that can be a baby step.. May be her husband will find it better with a woman who doesnt cheat on him. Its hard for me to justify what she is doing..

Does she believe that her husband wont find another woman who would love him enough? If she really cared for him, she should give him a chance to enjoy real love or life.
Obviously she doesnt care for him. She tells you that she cares for him, but it is mostly her self-interest that is stopping her from leaving him. You are assisting her in cheating on her husband. If you cant help her get over her debts with her husband what do you think will happen in future when real life and financial issue come to play in your life with her? What do you mean by you wont deprive her from what she needs.. You are acting like she is deathbed. She will live and sort out things better if you give her some room..She needs to go couples counselling with her husband first and figure out what is missing there and if they want to work on it.

Ways to help her out for you 1) try counselling
2) Trial separation from her husband..
3) Make her more independent in terms or work or career.
4) or you have enough $ to get her out of debts..Why dont you both get some loan and pay her husband and free him out of this drama. Let him live his life and you both can have your dream life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 11:02am

'i defy anyone to find a more worthy cause to cling to,'

An immoral act is nothing worthy

'when i see something that i need and i dont know how to get it, i try new things, i research, i ask around, i try anything'

Here's the thing. If you were in a healthy relationship that was meant to be, you wouldn't havee to research ways to get it on your own. You two would be on the same page, headed in the right direction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 11:19am

You're speaking of worthy causes, yet Adultry is far from a worthy cause.

Billions of women in the world and you're choosing this? Well, it's your life dude.

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