I'm done looking, he's not

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
I'm done looking, he's not
11
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 1:01pm
Two months ago I met a guy on a popular online dating site. At this point, I think I am really seriously starting to fall in love with this guy, and he seems to feel the same way about me. The problem is, that's not what he says to me. He keeps insisting that he doesn't have "love" feelings for me, yet. He also wants to continue to pursue the online dating thing, because he wants to continue dating other women. I told him I found what I was looking for, and do not want to look anymore, but he has encouraged me to keep looking too, as he is certain I can find someone better than him. Even as I write for advice, I think I already know the answer I'm going to get. All my friends and even HIS daughter say he's a pig, and how dare he do that? Everyone tells me to dump him and move on. But the whole thing is just complicated by the fact that I think I love him, and anyone whose ever been in love knows that nothing is that easy. I mean, when we are together, he treats me like a queen, he's loving, and thoughtful, and he loves to do things with me. He's got a ton of great qualities, but he has what appears to be a low self esteem, and unfortunately, so do I. He said that maybe we should just be friends, but I gotta tell ya, I have plenty of those, and that's not what I'm looking for. I recently told him that if he insists on pursuing this online dating thing, then I think we need some time apart. I don't want to do this, but it is detrimental to my emotional well-being to be with him knowing he is still pursuing other women.
My question is, do we stand a chance? His daughter says this is just a phase he is going through, and that he'll eventually get over it. She tells me that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him, and that at some point he's got to see that. She says when he talks to her about me, it is quite obvious that he really cares about me. What do I do or not do to make this work? Is there anything I can do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 1:45pm

Welcome to the board flowerchild21,


While it's only been 2 months, I'd wonder how much time you two have actually spent together getting to know each other?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 6:59pm
Honey, he wants to play the field and wants you to also. If you are looking for a man to commit to you, move on. good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 7:21pm
He can't be any clearer with you. Don't sit around waiting for him to want to be faithful. Either take him as he is or move on and find someone who wants a committed relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 8:26pm
Just an update for everyone who replied to my message. Thank you so much for your advise. Tonight I told him that I loved him, but that I also loved myself, and that I have more respect for myself than to continue to date him while letting him date other people. I told him he was making a huge mistake by letting me go, but that I could no longer see him anymore if this is the way he wants to play. I told him if he ever got his head out of his butt and realized what a huge mistake he made, he knows where I live, but there was no guarantee that I'd still be available.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 10:13pm

Nicely done!

NEXT! lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 10:36pm

hi flowerchild,

Please forgive me if this sounds absurd, but I don't really see why this man is a "pig" for being upfront and honest with you about his desire for casual dating at this point in his life. I can certainly sympathize with being in love with someone who doesn't have the same feelings for you, but you'd only been together for two months. Your post didn't mention if you two were dating exclusively, and after only two months into dating him its perfectly rational for him not to know whether he's in love with you.

Unfortunately, from what you quoted him as saying, his level of interest in you just wasn't as high as yours was for him. It sounds like he cared about you, but he was sending pretty strong messages by telling you that "maybe we should just be friends" and "I'd still like to pursue dating online". Being a one-man relationship kind of girl, I can completely understand if this isn't what you want -- but there's essentially nothing wrong with playing the field. If at some point he recognizes what a wonderful person you are and wants to date exclusively, and you're still ok with that, that's ideal. But personally, I would be thankful that you were with someone who was honest enough to tell you how he really felt instead of leading you on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 1:00pm
The OP didn't call him a pig... his own daughter did.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 1:40pm
I know, but she seemingly took it to heart, because she used it as a reason to argue why she wanted to break up with him.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 1:52pm

Yes, this is a troubling situation, especially as you have strong feelings for him. But it's possible that although he may love you as well, he is not able to committ right now. He has said he's not ready, and even though he does treat you beautifully, it's always best to believe what a person says. He's told you to seek others as well. So, that's quite clear. A man who is in love would not say that.


I agree that it's best for you to move on at this time. As you love him, it has to be hurtful to see him pursue others, and also if you keep seeing him it's not possible for you to move on as well. When you move on, also, please do not keep it in the back of your mind that he will certainly return, sooner or later. This will keep you on a string and prevent you from really building up your new life. If he does return, you can deal with it then. But at this moment, I'd cut the chords and move forward. It's impossible to live based upon mixed messages. His actions, (his still seeking others),

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 6:33pm

'I could no longer see him anymore if this is the way he wants to play.'

How did he play you if he was being honest about seeing others? Honestly I find that refreshing considering how many women post here about their boyfriends cheating and lying to them.

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