I'm at the end of my rope!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
I'm at the end of my rope!
1
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 3:22am
K, here's the problem in short. I was w/ my bf for 3 & a half yrs and now we're both practically done w/ college (we go to college in separate states) and he told me he wanted to move on but we've kept in touch. So much that when i go to visit him at his campus and at home, we act as if we're still together minus the label of "gf & bf." I'm his friend in that i listen to him talk about how he hasn't met another girl yet, but he says he likes to remisnisce about "us." and he says the things he used to when we were together, things that hint how much he thinks i'm beautiful and such. he even recently admitted that he's hasn't met another girl that's had the connection i've had w/ him. and it kills me that i still have feelings for him -even though i know he doesn't want me to be his gf & it's been 6 months- yet he stills acts as if he does. I don't like this but it would be even worse if we were just friends. I want to ask him about his feelings but i don't want to scare him off by sayin it. So, to avoid directly tellin him, is there an indirect way to instigate this discussion? what should i do? i have only a few days before we both go back for our last semester, should i break it to him or keep it to myself?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 4:49am
I think you should re-read your post. You wrote, "i know he doesn't want me to be his gf & it's been 6 months." The keyword is KNOW. It would be easy to instigate a discussion about his feelings for you, but you won't get the ANSWER that you want to hear. The reason he still acts the same when he is with you is because that is how he is accustomed to acting with you, because you offer a sympathetic ear, and because you offer the same benefits as you did when you were his GF. To him, it's all good. And yes, he still finds you attractive, and he hasn't found the same connection with anyone else yet, but that doesn't mean he isn't actively seeking it.

It's likely that he knows you still have feelings for him - it's very hard to hide that. If you verbalize it, you won't hear words of undying love from him and you'll end up feeling even more hurt. He hasn't retracted his original message to you - the one where he said he wanted to move on. When one partner says that to the other, and he changes his mind, it's up to him to reveal that. The fact that he hasn't means that he is fine with the way things are. But this isn't good for YOU. You must move on, and stop seeing him even on semester breaks. There is a remote possibility that he will miss you when you're gone, but he can't miss you if you don't leave. If he should want to re-start your relationship, he needs to be the one to ask you to come back to him. But don't wait for him, and date other guys. He may want you back at some point, but you may not want him because you'll have found someone else. Good luck.