I'm getting wore out

Avatar for ladypleiades
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
I'm getting wore out
3
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 12:18pm

I can feel that I'm letting myself go, getting worn down and wore out. I am 44, DH is 28 and we just had our first baby, a beautiful, healthy miracle baby boy. We are both thrilled.

DH is struggling with the responsibilities with the new kid... always struggled with "losing his free time." He saw a tv ad with that snowboarding kid with the red hair and he said "I am so jealous of these young people with all the free time in the world." He always laments that he is 28, married someone in their 40s and now he is supposed to act like he's 40. We also live in an affluent area when he came from a small, middle class town and he feels pressure that way too. I did not beg him to come live with me or get married. He packed up and moved in the minute we started to get serious.

I said, "those super athletes have no free time, they practice 24/7"

He said,"oh yeah, smokin pot with his model girlfriend" *sigh*
I have been in AA for 22 years and obviously do not party. He sometimes goes out with friends from work, but the last time he was invited, the baby had a double ear infection.

Some of his friends from college are married with children, and divorced already. His BIL pays child support. So, I point out that other 28 yos have grown up responsibilities, but, in his mind, I am the reason for his super-responsible life with no more fun.

Part 2 - I am more tired than usual. I used to be kind of a super-wife and shower him with love and praise, etc. I can't do that so much anymore. We do try to have sex once or twice a week, but he gets really grumpy if he has testosterone overload. Once a week is really hard for him and he gets angry.

Part 3 - He can be a real sweetheart. Big hearted guy who loves me dearly. But when he gets stressed, he lashes out with cutting remarks and sarcasm and put-downs. Of course, these are jokes or not meant to be taken seriously. Part of his youth culture of always slagging somebody. I counter all this the best I can but can be a sponge about it all. Then I blow up and become crazy and rageful. And he says I'm crazy. Of course I'm acting crazy. So, I try to address each little remark as it comes up, but it isn't changing much. With baby, he is tired and stressed all the time. So, he can always find a reason to snap... or veg out in front of the computer. And with good reason, He's soo tired! Seriously. I am up twice a night feeding the baby and he wakes up saying he's so tired. He sleeps through the feedings but says he's a light sleeper and worries all the time.

I know this is a lot and bless you for reading so far. I think I need to vent and type it out to get it straight in my head a little. Any advice appreciated.

We have gone over this before and he says that sometimes, I make really nasty remarks to him too, out of the blue, or undercut his parenting skills and so I promised I would work on that and he would work on the criticism.

I am feeling really worn down. I feel like, if I'm tired because of the baby, I'll deal with it. It's just physical exhaustion and I am doing it out of love. But the mental exhaustion wearing me down is really hard to fight against. And I feel like I look really wore out which doesn't help DH who feels like he married some ball and chain. Just yesterday, some woman at work stopped me to say I look really good after the baby, but I don't feel it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 1:27pm
Hi ladypleiades and welcome back, sorry you are back here.... reading your post made me sad for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 5:11pm
I second what Carrie asked. Would he go to marriage counseling with you? It is unfortnate that he feels this way and that his comments upset you so much. I am sorry I wish I had better advice.

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Avatar for ladypleiades
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 11:22am

Hi Carrie,

Thanks for remembering me :) I was glad to see you were a CL which is why I posted. He may... It may be time, huh? It has been tossed around as an idea. It may be the thing where I need to go and then he could come later or for a few sessions.

I was in a very strict therapy/recovery community for over ten years. Confrontational/psychodrama, days scheduled, not recommended to socialize with people outside the group, like a boot camp for recovery, only I was 10 years sober at the time. DH has zero experience with therapy except my stories of that place. But that may be an excuse on my part

Beth