Im going to snap

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Im going to snap
7
Tue, 09-02-2008 - 10:14am

I'm having a very emotional day, for the first time I talked to My fiancé’s social worker on the case with Him and his ex wife trying to get their kids back. The kids are in

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 09-02-2008 - 10:42am

confused, you are on a messageboard that is 99% women... We understand PMS and aren't third grade boys who think every problem a woman has is some hormonal thing :) So don't worry.

But as you know this situation is really serious. I read your post over twice just to make sure I got a good feel for it, and honestly, the biggest thing that hit me was the feeling that this man is a terrible candidate for marriage. He doesn't even seem to really care about his children, who should come first in his life, instead he acts like an infant and he's become YOUR child. Confused, when you marry someone, you take a snapshot of your life and relationship with a person and officially say "this is the way I want it to be for the rest of my life, and if things don't change, I'll still be happy".

You are clearly not happy and for a lot of very good reasons.

Unfortunately... This is a "stay or go" decision and it's not an easy one. But you also have to approach this situation from the understanding that you can NEVER change another person. In fact, when you have tried to get him to change by doing things for him and get the ball rolling... You have actually been enabling his toddler behavior and making him LESS likely to change.

There comes a point where you have to decide whether or not sacrificing yourself is worth this. You absolutely must make sure that your own needs are met before you can begin to help someone else. Right now you're his mom and your own needs will be put on hold INDEFINITELY until he is able to walk on his own two feet... And as much as you'd like to think that helping him and pushing him will make things better, he will never be able to stand on his own if you're around.

Imagine this situation for the rest of your life, because that is without a doubt what you would be buying into if you marry him. I know it is very tough to hear, but you need to take a cue and exit this relationship. It's not good for you and believe it or not, it's not good for him either. If you stay, this is what you'll get forever. It will never get better.

Please make a run for it, I know you love him but you're in love with the person he would POTENTIALLY be ... If only he were someone different. PLEASE read: Are You The One For Me? by Barbara DeAngelis. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Tue, 09-02-2008 - 10:48am

He doesn't even seem to really care about his children, who should come first in his life, instead he acts like an infant and he's become YOUR child.


You are 100% correct. The problem is I have kicked him out so many times and take him back..I feel like there is something wrong with me..i have been divorced over a year now, I never really been "alone" before. I think thats my problem.


He is 38 years old not a child, he needs to start acting like a man and not a boy.

Blue Glitter Name Text Christine Words - MySpace Layouts, MySpace Graphics

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 09-02-2008 - 11:10am

There is nothing wrong with being alone. Most people naturally want to be in a loving relationship, sadly a lot of us want it so badly we will settle for less just to have the comfort of someone to come home to every day. Being "alone" just means you're waiting/looking for the right guy, there's nothing shameful or even particularly SAD about it. But learning to function without a man is part of being a woman, and when you meet the right guy you will not have to settle because you will have standards higher than "anyone who won't abandon me". You don't have to be afraid of being in between partners. You are never alone.

If you ever want to have children, and consciously choose this man to be the father, you will be doing it regardless of the fact that he has PROVEN that he's a bad father and you will essentially be alone raising the kids. If you don't want to be a mom then maybe it's easier to see him as a good candidate for marriage, but I don't want you to think that something is wrong with YOU - you're just putting your commitment to him before the ability to take care of yourself, and before the requirement for a GOOD relationship. You're not asking for a good relationship from him, all you require is a relationship at all.

That book I've recommended will help a lot if you can read it with an open mind. It will be difficult to accept some of the concepts, but the best books out there make us think, for good or bad, rather than telling us what we want to hear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Tue, 09-02-2008 - 11:58am
Thanks..I have lived alone for a year, but been through many men in that time period. i think i need to be by myself and figure out what I really want..tthis man is clearly not in my future. I am wasting my time.

Blue Glitter Name Text Christine Words - MySpace Layouts, MySpace Graphics

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 09-02-2008 - 12:46pm

Welcome to the board confusedblnde,


Eggbertshootsfire gave you excellent advice. I just wanted to add that since you have kicked him out so many times and taken him back that, well, have you

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Tue, 09-02-2008 - 2:48pm
I do not think I am co-dependent. I was the one that left my ex husband and have supported myself when i was with him and lived by myself over a year and was fine. I dont see How I could be codependednt on him, he certainly does not pay my bills. I am just thinking I am scared to be alone now, cuz of the holidays coming up and no falmily. My dovirce was final last March and that was the same month I lost my Dad..

Blue Glitter Name Text Christine Words - MySpace Layouts, MySpace Graphics

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 09-02-2008 - 2:56pm

Sorry to hear about your dad.


You can check out codependent traits here:


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlcodep&msg=6613.1