I'm a guy who has a burning question
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| Tue, 03-23-2004 - 9:41am |
As you can infer from the subject line, I'm a guy. No kidding. But who cares if this is a place for women and I'm breaking in? I need some advice, that's all. And it's very likely that I'm not the first guy who posts a message here, neither the last.
Anyway, I had a little argument with my current girlfriend about being affectionate. Without going much into details, the big point is that she likes being with me, but doesn't like to show affection as often as I do because she's not into "cheesy" stuff. In defense to her, she's not cold, but she warned me when we started our relationship that there were times when she would not be very affectionate, but probably I didn't listen too well (like all men do?).
The burning question is this: How can I love and care for someone who likes being with me but doesn't show it often? How can I respect her wishes without changing who I am or demanding her to change for me? Is affection, after all, REALLY a part of the game? Should I concentrate on other aspects of the relationships and lower my expectations?
I really love this woman. I don't want to leave her and, much less, be discouraged to go on because of this.
Thanks.

Sometimes, its not our words, but actions that let people know we care. Some peoples actions are different from others. Not saying that she doesnt care, Im sure she does, but chooses to show you in ways that you probably dont recognice because they arent hugs and kisses maybe.... Let me explain. When my fiance and i first got together, I was perturbed at the fact that he didnt
Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw
Carrie
On the other hand, you agree with the Doc's assistant. She said almost exactly the same thing: look for ways that she does show affection. That's an advice I appreciate.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlrelationsh/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlrelationsh&msg=17491.1
under a different name?
Go there an read, my reply is #3
Edited 3/23/2004 6:17 pm ET ET by itwinflame
Carrie
I want to come to you today, to show my support and
encouragement, for I too am going through the same
problem as you, except of course for the fact that
I am female and am dealing with a male acting this way.
I am in a new relationship with this person and at first
he was so very distant in regards to affection, such as
holding hands, kissing, etc. and I must admit that this
hurt my feelings so very much. I decided to take another
approach however, and sit down with him, in a comfortable
setting, and ask him in a friendly matter, not aggressive,
why it is that he does not feel comfortable with affection,
and much to my surprise he did answer my question and told me
of his childhood, which was abusive. He has difficult times
showing affection sometimes due to this, but now I understand
him and show my support. Things are slowly progressing and he
is becoming more affectionate with me. I would suggest that
you take a moment, in a comfortable place, and sit and talk
to her as a friend and in a tone of voice of concern, ask her
why she feels the way she does. You will never know until you
try and she should understand and support your feelings in
the relationship too.
The best of luck to you,
Sincerely,
Tamara