I'm a guy who has a burning question

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
I'm a guy who has a burning question
10
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 9:41am
Hey.

As you can infer from the subject line, I'm a guy. No kidding. But who cares if this is a place for women and I'm breaking in? I need some advice, that's all. And it's very likely that I'm not the first guy who posts a message here, neither the last.

Anyway, I had a little argument with my current girlfriend about being affectionate. Without going much into details, the big point is that she likes being with me, but doesn't like to show affection as often as I do because she's not into "cheesy" stuff. In defense to her, she's not cold, but she warned me when we started our relationship that there were times when she would not be very affectionate, but probably I didn't listen too well (like all men do?).

The burning question is this: How can I love and care for someone who likes being with me but doesn't show it often? How can I respect her wishes without changing who I am or demanding her to change for me? Is affection, after all, REALLY a part of the game? Should I concentrate on other aspects of the relationships and lower my expectations?

I really love this woman. I don't want to leave her and, much less, be discouraged to go on because of this.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 10:12am

Sometimes, its not our words, but actions that let people know we care. Some peoples actions are different from others. Not saying that she doesnt care, Im sure she does, but chooses to show you in ways that you probably dont recognice because they arent hugs and kisses maybe.... Let me explain. When my fiance and i first got together, I was perturbed at the fact that he didnt

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:38pm
I replied on the other board you posted your question on:

Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 4:17pm
Some people display their affection more overtly than others. As you said, I think you should think about the ways that she *does* show her affection for you. I wonder, though, if it is not worthwhile to ask her why she feels this way. Is she uncomfortable being touched? Does she just think it's tacky? When you say, "...there are times when she would not be so affectionate..." what times are those? Are they when you are in public, around friends, etc?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 4:24pm
I think asking her is out of the question, because chances are she doesn't want to talk about this again. But I can tell you that she's uncomfortable when I get affectionate in public and when she's under stress. The latter seems obvious, come to think of it, but the former is enigmatic.

On the other hand, you agree with the Doc's assistant. She said almost exactly the same thing: look for ways that she does show affection. That's an advice I appreciate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 4:26pm
Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 4:29pm
Could you explain your reply a little more?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 5:07pm
Did you post this -

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlrelationsh/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlrelationsh&msg=17491.1

under a different name?

Go there an read, my reply is #3


Edited 3/23/2004 6:17 pm ET ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 7:45am
I did not post that one, but that guy has pretty much the same issue I have and your advice is welcome.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 9:27pm
Does she show affection when your alone? I think there's a lot of ppl that don't like showing affection in public. I refuse to show affection in front of my parents. Not sure why I'm like that but that's the way I've always been. I do however show affection when we are alone and that I think makes up for other times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 10:34am
Good Morning,

I want to come to you today, to show my support and

encouragement, for I too am going through the same

problem as you, except of course for the fact that

I am female and am dealing with a male acting this way.

I am in a new relationship with this person and at first

he was so very distant in regards to affection, such as

holding hands, kissing, etc. and I must admit that this

hurt my feelings so very much. I decided to take another

approach however, and sit down with him, in a comfortable

setting, and ask him in a friendly matter, not aggressive,

why it is that he does not feel comfortable with affection,

and much to my surprise he did answer my question and told me

of his childhood, which was abusive. He has difficult times

showing affection sometimes due to this, but now I understand

him and show my support. Things are slowly progressing and he

is becoming more affectionate with me. I would suggest that

you take a moment, in a comfortable place, and sit and talk

to her as a friend and in a tone of voice of concern, ask her

why she feels the way she does. You will never know until you

try and she should understand and support your feelings in

the relationship too.

The best of luck to you,

Sincerely,

Tamara