I'm on hold while he "grows"
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| Mon, 02-23-2009 - 1:50pm |
Please excuse the rambling post but right now, I guess I need somewhere to turn. Haven't been able to stop crying in days. sigh. My second marriage seems to be slowly falling apart - much like the first. I know this says something about 1. how I behave in a relationship and 2. the type of men I choose (mistakenly). I tend to be a strong personality, come from a family of strong women who communicate alot. I picked two guys who can't communicate and don't stand up for themselves. (feeling like an idiot right now).
Current husband of 3 yrs. has started therapy and trying to find his voice in our relationship. He is a workaholic as well and basically I have been ignored for quite some time. I'm guessing that me being difficult (or just wanting to talk) has turned him away from the relationship. I don't really get it though because I have friends that I think treat their husbands much worse, say things I never would, and they seem to make it through fine. Their husbands don't take things as personally. We've discussed it and it seems that anything I say that might be the least bit critical, he takes as a criticism of his very being....even if it's something like "Can you put the trash out in a can rather than just bags so the animals don't get in it?" or "why not use this pan for dinner instead of that one, it might work better for the recipe."
So...he's in therapy and says it's going well but that really is all I hear. He doesn't say much else about it. He says it's helping him. I am truly glad that he is getting help and feeling better about himself but in the meantime I see our relationship slipping away. I have told him this, I have asked him to talk about it. He doesn't. I feel like I'm supposed to wait until he's done working on himself. I don't understand why we can't at least begin to build a little of our relationship.....I'm afraid nothing will be left by the time he's done. Sex is a big issue with me. We have it maybe once a month sometimes less. He ignores this too. Beyond that, there is no touching, no intimacy, it's very empty.
I know I have a part in our problems but I'm not sure how to fix a relationship without talking about it, without a partner. I know there are some books and people out there that say that changes could be made by one person and possibly help the relationship. I just think it' sad to have to do it alone. I didn't get married to not have a partner in life, someone to lean on and work with to create a great relationship. I feel like I married a child who is just learning how to communicate. Being the "teacher" get really old after a while. I thought I was marrying an adult but now I'm finding his independence had more to do with being a loner and being just fine with that....not even close with his family. His seemed confidence while we were dating was covering up huge self esteem issues. I totally missed the red flags.
Anyway..blah, blah, blah. I feel myself slowly coming apart at the seams. I will be getting my own therapist soon as I desperately need it. I guess I'm just wondering how long to sit on the sidelines. While I want to give him time. I think "we" need time as well and living with a husband who is more of a roommate is killing me. I am beginning to resent being ignored. Not good either. Part of me is very afraid that this will end up just like my previous relationship. His therapist will help him find himself....and that self will decide that he wants to end the relationship. I think this is why I keep asking him to work on "us" at the same time.
at times, I'm ready to give up though. It's just really painful.
thanks for listening...at least typing this stopped the tears.
mhp

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I'm so sorry you're going through this, I can well
Welcome to the board myhappyplace,
Odd that while he's in therapy, he's ignoring the relationship.
Thanks for both of your thoughts on the subject. I think I made it sound like I nag him to talk....I wouldn't say that's the case, although I guess I am feeling a bit of desperation on the subject. We just did have a long talk after not speaking for the entire weekend due to an argument on Saturday morning. Things are just getting worse and I'll be honest, I'm completely losing it. I tend to be very fatalistic and all I can think about is "not again", how will I make it through this. We're will I go, how will I make it, etc. It's VERY hard to think it's not already over in my head....and I know that's awful. It's like I'm directing my own play. I just can't believe I'm here again. Obviously there's some issue with me that I have to work on...maybe the fatalism..ya think! I want him to tell me not to think that way, but he doesn't. I feel like we've had issues for a long time and he's never wanted to discuss them. Now that he's found a decent therapist to help him with his thoughts, they aren't very good ones in relation to us..and he's never mentioned it before.
It's just so hard. I feel like I'm falling apart. Yes, I will try to strike out on my own a bit but I feel like that's a little unfair to my pets - to never see them. As far as friends go, I can't say I have a whole lot close by. They are far away and busy with babies. Tried to confide in my mom and she basically ignored me...but she's never been one to be able to talk about emotions. Just feeling very screwed up at the moment and not sure how to get myself past it.
my eyes are gonna be swollen shut tomorrow and I have no idea how I'm gonna go to work. Feeling very alone.
Thank you for your thoughts and for listening.
Not sure what kind of pets you have, but if you have dogs, take them for a walk or to a dog park. Something that gets you out of the house. See if your local library has any of those books.
HUGS
thanks...
the cats won't walk ..why can't I take them to Barnes and Noble to read with me. They won't move from my lap. :)
I tried messaging you through your profile, but can't.
"I tend to be a strong personality, come from a family of strong women who communicate alot. I picked two guys who can't communicate and don't stand up for themselves. (feeling like an idiot right now)."
"I have friends that I think treat their husbands much worse, say things I never would, and they seem to make it through fine. Their husbands don't take things as personally."
"even if it's something like "Can you put the trash out in a can rather than just bags so the animals don't get in it?" or "why not use this pan for dinner instead of that one, it might work better for the recipe."
Read what you have written above.
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