I'm in love, in a rut, and need advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
I'm in love, in a rut, and need advice!
5
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 9:35pm
Hello, I'm new here so bear with me

I am nineteen years old and have been dating my boyfriend for three years this June (I have known him for four years). I broke up a previous relationship to date him, and that decision felt very right. Lately, though, I have been noticing he is very disturbed. There was a relationship he got himself into, about a year ago, during a 1-2 month period we had broken up while I was away at school. When I came back, we decided to give it a ago again, and he ended his relationship with the other girl. Ever since, this girl has been on his tail, making him feel guilty for leaving her. Not in the outward way, like 'Why did you leave me!' more like 'wahh I am so sad, don't talk about your girlfriend, I am in love with you.' Yes, she emails him constantly and tells him she loves him which, in turn, makes him feel extra guilty for 'hurting her' and continuing to do so. (I even came accross an email recently where he replied 'I am in love with you, too'... I don't know if he was saying so to make her or if he meant it, so I asked him. He said that he loved her, which really broke my heart). These two haven't seen eachother in a long time, but they get into fights constantly (of which he blames on himself to try and push her away) but they soon makeup as if they were lovers (which he also takes the credit for, because he feels so bad for making her miserable). I've tried to get him to understand how this girl is manipulating him, I've suggested that we go see her and talk out our situation, and so on. I just don't know what to do! When I talk to him about it, he is very distant and unwilling, and then after I explain to him what I think about the situation, he says I am right and that he has decided he wants to be with me. Of course, I believe him and we have sex (of which he preceeds with 'I realy do love you, I am not taking advantage of you. I want to be with you for a very long time, I love you') and the next day, he ignores me completely because the girl got in the way again (and speaking of the sex, since he started worrying about this girl a few months ago, he's been treating me rather poorly and the romanticism of sex, for me, has gone way down and I can't enjoy it as much because he wont put his heart into it).

Our relationship could be so wonderful if she would give up and he would let go! It isn't fair to me for him to do this. Some family and friends say I should end our relationship but I don't want that to be a solution. Please, can anyone offer me some different, more friendly advice? The relationship I have with this man is very important to the both of us (but more to me, I think). I know he wants to work it out, he's just becoming selfish and absorbed with this other girl and I'm becoming more miserable everyday! Help!

Susie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 3:07pm
As friendly as possible, the solution you don't want is the right one. You don't want that solution because you think it means you lose. But it doesn't - it means you win for yourself. It means you don't have to share your guy emotionally with another woman. It means that you value yourself enough to stand up for yourself.

By staying with him, having sex with him, tells him that him continuing to talk to this other gal (via email, phone, whatever) is ok with you. You are telling him it's ok to have her hang on and try to win him back.

He needs to be cruel to be kind and set boundaries with her. IF he was really done with her, he'd block her emails and not talk to her at all, it would really be over. It's not. He doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy so he strings her along AND he likes her attention.

Pay close attention to #4 and #5 in the article below:

Seven Signs You Should Run From Your Partner

By Rinatta Paries

The relationship questions asked most frequently are all basically the same. First people will explain certain undesirable behaviors their partners are displaying. Then they'll ask whether they should tolerate these behaviors or whether they are making too big an issue of them.

There are, in fact, certain behaviors that should not be tolerated because they damage and will eventually destroy the relationship.

If you are in a brand-new relationship and your partner exhibits one or some of the behaviors below, you may want to consider walking away. If you stay, you may be getting much more trouble, headache and heartache then you bargained for.

If you are in a committed relationship and are invested in staying, or if you are planning to get engaged or married soon and some of these behaviors show up, try to work through them. Since you have already invested time, effort and your heart into the relationship, the relationship may be strong enough to withstand the necessary change. But hold off on making a deeper commitment to each other until the issues are resolved. Commitment and marriage tend to make issues worse rather than better.

Finally, if you are married, you probably want to do everything possible to save your marriage. If the two of you are dealing with any of the issues below, the most effective way of overcoming them is with outside expert help.

1. Excessive Flirtation

People in committed relationships, even in early committed relationships, should not be flirting with others in a way that makes their partner uncomfortable.

Here is the measuring stick: If your partner tells you about the flirting or you witness your partner flirting and neither of you flinches, the flirtation is OK. Otherwise it is not and you should be rightly bothered. This is, of course, assuming that you are not overly insecure and that you do not view any interaction your partner has with others as flirting.

2. Man/Woman Watching

Some discreet man/woman watching may occasionally be OK. But when it is blatant and intrusive, it becomes a relationship problem. You are not too sensitive if this bothers you. You should not have to learn to get over this and you should not have to learn to tolerate this behavior.

3. Infidelity

Unless you have a workable open-marriage agreement with your partner, you absolutely should not tolerate infidelity. There is simply no excuse for it. Alcohol, loneliness, anger, etc., are not good reasons to get involved with other people when you are in a relationship.

4. Another Relationship

OK, I know people get involved with those who are already in another relationship with the hope that they will "win" and the other relationship will end. But in reality this seldom happens. If you are involved in this kind of a relationship, perhaps it's time to give your partner an ultimatum. Set a drop-the-relationship-date by which your partner will willingly release the other relationship or you.

5. Romantic Contact From Other People

Why would someone in a relationship be getting phone calls, mail or e-mail of a romantic nature from other people? And why would the other person in the relationship tolerate this?

I think often it is because the partner somehow does not place responsibility for what's happening where it belongs -- squarely on the shoulders of the person who is receiving the communication.

If communication is ongoing, it is not accidental or victimization; it is invited and your partner is getting something out of it. To avoid a surge of feedback from those of you who may disagree with this point, let me say that there are now many easy ways to block unwanted communication, both on regular phones, cell phones and e-mail.

You are not too sensitive to feel threatened and to wonder if you are about to lose the relationship or be cheated on. Both may happen next.

6. Frequent Reactive or Angry Behaviors

Almost everyone has a frustrated moment, day or even a week. Life can get very hectic and stressful at times. But, if your partner is reactive or angry most of the time, for an extended period of time, this may just be the way he or she is.

If the two of you have repeatedly tried to problem-solve and yet nothing seems to cool the reactiveness and anger, you may want to ask yourself if you want this on ongoing basis.

7. 'It's All Your Fault'

Every relationship has issues or problems that need to be discussed. For some this happens sooner rather than later. But make no mistake -- this happens in every relationship. In fact, problems are an inherent part of being in a relationship.

However, if your partner categorically refuses to acknowledge and deal with his or her contribution to the problem and instead says in one way or another that it's all your fault, you have a serious problem on your hands. How will you move on and build a deeper relationship if your current problems cannot be resolved?

You are not pushy to ask your partner to deal with what needs to be dealt with. You have every right to ask for an active partner in a relationship.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 6:07pm
I appreciate your advice. I really am going to talk to him this weekend and get to the bottom of it. I've decided if he cannot make a responsible decision along side me (get that girl out of the picture to save our relationship) then I'm going to have to go ahead and make a responsible decision on my own (end our relationship to save my emotional wellbeing). I really don't want to lose him, though, because despite what has been happening, when he isn't thinking about her, we're like two peas in a pod (do people still say that? haha) and we both know things would be better if they would just give up.

I don't know which is worse, him or her, but it really bothers me that she can't be happy for him for chosing to be happy in the relationship that he prefers/enjoys the most (hence the reason he let go of her for me). But he really needs to LET GO, I know this, and I hope he can. He means so much to me.

Any clues on how to approach him about this? I want him to know I am as open as possible, that I'll help him if I can, that I love him and want him to be happy. I just don't want him to feel threatened by me when I bring it up because when he feels that way, nothing is accomplished.

More advice?

thank you, itwinflame.

susie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 6:33pm
Print out the article and let him read it. Ask him if the roles were reversed would he be happy if your ex was contacting you, pleading with you, trying to get you to feel guilty, etc - how would he feel? Would he put up with it?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 9:37am
I CAN HONESTLY SAY I UNDERSTAND....

MY HUSBAND TALKED TO HIS EX WIFE, MIND YOU HE ONLY DID IT 2 OR 3 TIMES A YEAR BUT THEY NEVER TALKED ABOUT HOW SHE WANTED TO GET BACK WITHHIM IT WAS JUST A HI HOW R U DOING WITH THEM AND WOULD NOT SEE HER OR ANYTHING I THOUGHT IT WAS INAPPROPRIETE CONSIDERING THEY NEVER HAD CHILDREN AND SHE IS MARRIED AGAIN WITH A CHILD. I JUST TOLD HIM HOW I FELT AND IF IS MORE IMPORTANT TO SPEAK WITH HER THEN TO BE WITH ME THEN I WOULD HAVE TO LEAVE AND THATS WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY TO HIM, YOUR NOT THE OTHER WOMAN SHE IS AND SHE NEEDS TO GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON WITH HER LIFE CAUSE RIGHT NOW SHE IS JUST BEING A LOSER AND IF IT CONTINUES I WOULD JUST LEAVE THERE IS NO POINT IN CONTINUING THE RELATIONSHIP IF HE DOESNT CARE ENOUGH ABOUT YOU TO RESPECT YOUR FEELINGS... AND THATS THE BOTTOM LINE.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 12:15pm
I cannot really say that I feel where you are coming from b/c I have never been on that boat. But obviously you think this guy is something great because you keeping putting up with that. I think that he is leading in her head that she still has chance back with him. That's why she keeps constantly making him feel guilty so he'll come back. And she doesn't want to lose him as well b/c she feels that he is as great as you think he is. The worst feeling is not only a guy leaving you but a guy leaving you for another woman. You wouldn't know how she feels b/c you have been the one leaving men for him. All I can say is you have to kind of see where she is coming from. would if he just up and left you one day for her. As for him yes be understanding when you confront him but also be firm. You need to tell him that he left her and it's over. He also needs to move on, but if he can you'll need to, b/c all it's going to do is wear you down. And if you keep letting it go on then he is not going to stop.