I'm a mess

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2006
I'm a mess
3
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 3:05pm

This is long. Sorry

I have been with my SO for about 7 years and we have lived together for about 5. We've had a lot of ups and downs and a lot of drama. I was pretty overwhelming with my need to feel loved and special and he was pretty shut down about it. He showed his love, but in other ways, by doing things for me and stuff. About a year ago, we started going to couples counseling and things were definitely getting better between us. Meanwhile, about a year ago, I started a new job and met a lot of people, including a guy we'll call A. He was nice and we always joked around and stuff but there was never anything really there until a couple of months ago. We hung out a few times and I kept setting boundaries and saying that I didn’t want anything to happen between us, but I kept going back on it. I feel a real connection with him, things are easy and I really enjoy all the time I spend with him. I understand that it’s still shiny and new but at the same time, it’s been different than anything I’ve ever had.

So in early June, this was going on, and I also felt like things with SO weren’t going anywhere. He had told me that he would help his mom with her tuition in August and after that, a ring would be his next big purchase. But he’d started looking at buying a house as an investment and I felt pushed back further down the list. I also started to feel like we didn’t really have much of a connection between us. Like we co-existed fine but we never really found joy in each other’s lives or hanging out together. I told SO that I didn’t think we were right for each other and I really didn’t think he’d be too upset over things ending. Instead, he kicked in with asking me to stay and really acknowledging all my hurts from our past and saying he was scared in the past and offering how now that he was no longer scared, things would be different. I was feeling pretty shut down emotionally but trying to open up.

The weekend before July 4th, we got into an argument and he started yelling. I didn’t like that but he calmed down quickly and apologized so I stuck around. Then on July 3rd, he was out with some people and asked me to go out and meet them. I was exhausted but wanted to give an effort so I went. Things were fine and I was having an ok time but then we were dancing and SO’s attention was very much on a girl next to us. At first I didn’t say anything but after a while, I got annoyed with it. I calmly said that I thought I’d go home because I felt like if he’s asked me out somewhere, he should at least show me the respect of not ogling some girl the whole night. I understand a glance or two but it was beyond my comfort zone. Anyway, it turned into an argument about how he thought I wasn’t having/being fun and I was saying how I had made a effort to be there while I was so exhausted I could barely stay awake. This is getting too detailed. So basically, that night I felt like things weren’t going to change and that it was over between us. July 4th, I spent the day with A and slept over at his house. While we were at a party that day, SO called and asked that I meet him and talk to him. I was having a good time and thought back to all those times that I wanted to talk and he didn’t and said no. So it got bad and he found out that I was staying with A that night and it all came out.

Since then, I moved out of our house a couple of weeks ago. I still have been seeing both guys. This past weekend I was supposed to go to a concert with A but SO asked me to save the weekend for him. I cancelled on A, he got upset and asked me to stop flipflopping and give him a final answer on what was going on last night. Meanwhile, SO took me away for the weekend and proposed to me. I didn’t give him an answer, saying I had to think about it. So that’s where I stand.

A really likes me and I really like him and he wants to be with me. SO, well he’s been my everything for so long. He’s been amazing for the last couple of months, reading Mars & Venus books and trying his best to understand me and offer me what I need. I’ve expressed my hesitations of marrying him. But at the same time, it’s like the ring does make a difference. Like all of a sudden, you’re in it for good and instead of it being one against the other, it’s us, as one, heading toward the same things. I don’t know if that makes sense. I guess I’m worried that I’ll end up marrying him and being ok in it but not really happy. I feel amazingly safe and loved with him. He’s a great provider and I know he’ll be an amazing father. And he really knows me. Even all the ugly parts. I have no idea what a marriage is supposed to be like and have no idea what to look for and how happy people are and how much fun they have together after years of being together. So I have these options and it’s great to be wanted, but I don’t quite know what I’m looking for in each choice. Most people around me think that I should say now. I know I shouldn’t care but part of me does. My heart is leaning toward yes.

Thanks for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 5:31pm

Welcome to the board bgsunshine,


In my opinion, if you really loved SO and wanted to be with him and wanted to marry him than you won't have to think so hard about it and you wouldn't be seeing another guy. I think you really need to be single right now. Stop seeing both guys and figure out what you really want out of a relationship.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 7:51pm

You said that SO has been amazing for the last couple of months but you also mentioned that you had major problems the weekend before July 4th weekend. Is it possible that you feel more strongly towards SO now that he proposed and you are overlooking his behavior and the way he was treating you?

Do you think he proposed because there is another guy in the picture?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 7:38pm

Welcome to the board bgsunshine,


Don't overlook the problems on 4th of July weekend.