Im not physically attracted to him

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Im not physically attracted to him
10
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 11:13pm
My boyfriend is the nicest, most generous, caring, giving, funny, just overall most awesome guy i have ever met and we both totally click, we both care for eachother and i really want to fall in love with him...but I'm just not feeling his physical appearance.

He isn't ugly at all, he is just really overweight (so am i but thats besides the point) he takes no pride in his appearance at all..he dresses like the grungy rock-loving sweetheart that he is and has made it clear that his over all style wont change because that is what he is comfortable in..

I want desperately to feel those butterflies for my guy but I just dont, i even find myself getting all giddy with his friends cuz i think they are hotter...HELP ME!! :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 9:00am
It has nothing to do with his looks - it has to do with whether oyu have physical chemistry which has a little to do with looks but not much - I have dated men who are much more handsome - conventionally - than the man I love but the chemistry just isn't there. I think you need to work on loving yourself - first - by losing the weight unless it is a rare medical condition that has caused it. If you truly believe chemistry is all about physical appearance I think you need to reconsider.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 9:30am
I have a great idea. Break up with him becuase you're just with him to "be with somebody".

Then...you work on your body. You get into the shape YOU want to be in for YOURSELF. At that point, you will realize how important or unimportant looks are to you in a relationship.

And THEN you date someone that you're attracted to, that you don't perceive you have to "settle for", becuase you're overweight and can't attract a hottie.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 1:18pm
Dr Phil's book - Relationship Rescue has some quizes in it and one of them hits on physical appearance and how important it may or may not be to some people....consider reading it with him and talking about the issues with the help of the book.

PS I agree with the *chemistry* thing....


Edited 2/5/2004 1:20:02 PM ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 3:52pm
Alright, obviously I am being misunderstood...

me and him both have a great relationship and as i said before he's the greatest guy i have met, hes respectful generous etc etc and i wouldnt trade him in for anything...and the only problem is that i dont feel him like i would a fine guy...which in turn is pissing me off because i have a great guy in my grasp and to drop him over something so stupid is rediculous...im just reaaallly confused.

im used to being with the fine guys that give me all the butterflies and all that but always break up or cheat because they mistreat me etc... and thats something i dont want to settle for...arrghhh

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 5:27pm
It's not that all hotties cheat or disrespect you - it's that you don't understand this isn't a "situational" problem. It's about pervasive dynamic.

A person who values a relationship, and who wants one in their life, and who has defined what a relationship will require and bring to their lives...they're "seeking" a partner. They're not looking to "date for sex" or "play the field" - or just hang out, hook up and be casual.

What you've done is got a stereotype going. You think the hot guys that CAN have any girl they want.....will do any girl they want. So you're afraid to be with one. The ones you've been with - YOU have wanted a relationship, THEY have wanted to hang out and hook up. You've hung out and hooked up thinking it was a relationship - and then they dumped you or "cheated" and you have got this association with 'hottie = cheater/loser'.

It's not like that......if a hottie values a relationship, wants one in his life, has self-esteem, and is seeking a partner...you might not be the one he chooses as a partner for a lifetime - but he won't cheat on you. He will break up - but not cheat or just 'slither off'.

Guys that aren't "hotties" have the same problem as "un-hot" girls. They can't get anybody they want and they can't have everything they see. So they tend to value nad prioritize who they do get - becuase it's not like they walk down the street and they get offers on every corner.

You've got this very twisted association going - that if he's a nice guy, eh's not a hottie.

Now, the key here is....is the guy that you're with osmeone that you would find attractive if you saw him walking down the street. Or, did you not find him attractive but wanted to have a boyfriend, so you got with him because nobody else was offering anything better. But you've spent time and found out he's a nice, sweet, caring, generous guy who still - no matter what - doesn't turn you on.

I've been there, done that. The doctor/lawyer guy just did not have "it" for me. He wanted to have arelationship, he was offering a great "deal", he was the most value oriented guy I ever met...but someone two inches shorter than me and 4 times my width just did not turn me on.

So, I didn't date him.

And that's where you are. If you want osmeone that turns you on and the reason this guy doesn't has nothing to do with your previous experiences, and emotional associations as a result of those experiences...you're either going to have to realiz tha tyou could change your perception with alot of work on your part (whether you'd ever get it to where you thought he was a hottie, who's to say)...or you'll have to find someone else that does flip your switch and see if they're as good in terms of characcter and values and attitude as this guy. Which, they easily might not be.

I'd say this might be the first guy that has seriously "dated" you. As in he's stuck around, dated you exclusively and seriously and hasn't broken up, or left, or stopped hanging out and hooking up.

I'm not saying that you do this....but lots of overweight girls do (I was one, I know) you tend to hang around whoever you think is hot offering htem something (not sex) like doing their hoomework, or offering them rides, or taking care of details for them...and you think if you do that long enough they'll like you. Eventually things get a little physical because they get drunk, or high, or just because you're there and readily available and so you end up making out and/or having sex. You think that becuase you're hanging out so much it's dating....they know they're just hanging out only when it benfits them. So at some point they find some girl they do want to date, tey're not dating you - you don't realize that, they start seeing her and avoiding you, you think they're doing you wrong...and that's how all your emotional association processess got started, just maybe.


Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 8:10pm
No, you don't understand. I think physical attraction is essential but that has little to do with a man's features or body - it has to do with chemistry which is mostly about energy and your connection and has little to do with looks. If you're saying that you like to be with a conventionally handsome man to make yourself feel better and more desirable and to show him off, I feel sorry for you and hope you get over that very soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Sat, 02-07-2004 - 2:50am
no no not at all...all im trying to save the relationship i have
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-07-2004 - 8:00am
It's not about trying - you can't try to be physically attracted - you can decide that it's ok to find other men hotter than your bf as long as you find your bf hot. There was a time when I thought I had more attraction for an ex I dated for 4 months than for the man I am dating now - perhaps that was true - doesn't feel like that now - but even if it was, so what - why do I need to be with someone where the physical attraction is the best it's ever been with anyone, as opposed to looking for someone where as a whole, the relationship has all the essentials - friendship, physical attraction, chemistry and love - on the other hand if to you you will not be satisfied unless you are with someone you find to be the hottest guy you've ever been with and you don't want to think anyone else is physically hotter, that is your choice.

If I don't feel physical attraction by around the 4th or 5th date - I stop seeing the person and I do not believe it can grow if there is absolutely no spark/nothing there physically by then (even if I have never kissed the person - I know because of how I feel about the thought of kissing the person) then I stop seeing the person. On the other hand if there is a spark and I am otherwise into the person, I believe that can grow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 1:24am
i dont think your own weight issue is necissarily "beside the point". maybe you are just looking for a "hot guy" to compensate for your own insecurities. if you worked on accepting yourself, or changing what bothers you, maybe it would help you accept this kind, generous man.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 8:28am
I just stumbled onto this message board, and in reading this had to give my opinion. I dated the nicest guy (he was cute and funny and just an all around good guy), but that "spark" just wasn't there. He's a great guy, he just wasn't the guy for me. If that spark isn't there and he doesn't give you butterflies now, he never will. It's either there or it isn't. And someone who might not be a "hottie" might be the one who gives you those sparks!