I'm not who he thought i was

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2008
I'm not who he thought i was
11
Thu, 05-22-2008 - 3:04pm

My husband and I have been having a lot of troubles lately. We fight all the time but it's about stupid stuff. He gets mad because I shop and get new shoes or buy new stuff for the house. I get mad when he doesn't but his stuff away. He's an amazing guy but i don't know what to do to make him happy. He wants me to be simple and not want to shop and not need to wear makeup. He wants me to be like his mother. Plain. I'm not like that and never have been. I love to shp (maybe too much i'll admit but i'm tryin to work on that)


Ever since I started back to work after we had kids it's been hard. I'm a dreamer. I have big goals in life. I have drive and am successful in everything I put my mind to. He loves that as long as it doesn't disturb his dreams. He's in the military which makes it hard for me to have a career because we move every three years. I suck it up and move and start over but I'd be lying if it wasn't hard. I'd much rather commit to one spot but I want him to be happy with his career too. So I reluctantly supported him reenlisting in the Army.


I feel like I've sacrified a lot for him and he should get off my back about the little things like me shopping. I don't know what to do. We care about eachother and i'd do anything for him but i'm afraid he's falling out of love with me. I feel like if I don't stop doing the things that make him mad he'll leave me. How can I pretend to not like shopping anymroe? I'm a normal women. Every woman in my family has a huge love/addiction if you will, with shopping. I've always been this way but he thinks I was different when we got married. I was just broke when we got married so I couldn't afford to shop but I've always liked it. Now that I make good money I can afford nice things.


Please give me some useful advice. Advice for me and advice I can pass on to him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 05-22-2008 - 3:21pm

Welcome to the board babyd214,


It sounds like there is some resentment building up with both of you.


I would recommend marriage counseling and maybe having one joint checking acct for bills and then having seperate accounts that way you can still spend some money like you would like.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 05-22-2008 - 3:37pm

Welcome to the board babyd214,


I think counseling could help you both really hear each other and maybe come to a spending limit and/or budget that you can both agree to and/or a household account and then separate accounts for other stuff.


Reading material to consider:


Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw


Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman


A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman


Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 05-22-2008 - 4:07pm
Are you putting the family in debt because of you shopping? Are you like you were when he married you or have you changed? Has he become a different person since you married him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Thu, 05-22-2008 - 4:31pm

Is shopping more important to you than your marriage? Are material things above necessities more important than your husband? Isn't saving for a future in a happy financially secure marriage more important?

Is the short lived instant gratification of buying yet another pair of shoes worth your marriage?

Really, think about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2008
Thu, 05-22-2008 - 4:36pm
No I'm not putting us into debt. I don't buy expensive things. I'm a bargain shopper. It's not the money that upsets him. It's the fact he looks in my closet and sees 3 pair of black pumps and thinks they are all the same. He wants me to be a simplest. No I didn't shop as much when we got married because I had no money. Now that I work and make great money I shop more. He has changed. Some for the good and some for the bad. But I love him and want him to be happy. So what do I do? Stop shopping?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 05-22-2008 - 5:36pm

No this isn't really about shopping, I just wondered if it was a money issue. If not, is he jealous that you are now successful? I also wonder if he was always this way or if you originally agreed that you wouldn't work, that you would stay with the kids, and he doesn't want you working and doesn't like the fact that you changed your mind.


Have you two thought about counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Thu, 05-22-2008 - 7:33pm

Is it just shopping that is an issue, or is the shopping just an example?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2008
Fri, 05-23-2008 - 1:00am
We've thought about counceling but it's really hard to find a sitter to go to it. I planned to stay home with the kids for a while but not for always. It got to the point that I had to get a job because we couldn't live off of military salary alone in Washington D.C. Cost of living is just too high. So I went back to work and moved up fast. He seems very supportive of my success as long as it doesn't disrupt his career. His career always has to come first. Typical man I guess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Fri, 05-23-2008 - 7:26am
Check out Army Community Services and MWR usually they can provide with info for sitters and hourly child care.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-23-2008 - 10:58am

There's a difference between loving to shop, wanting to be beautiful, express your femininity and taking good care of yourself and an addiction to shopping. Sometimes a fine line. I don't know which of the two fits you, but I do know that your husband has no right whatsoever to tell you how to dress, how to look or who to be. This is abusive. Your are not his mother and do not have to fit some image in his mind. If he cannot love you as your are, and appreciate your enjoyment of beauty, something is seriously wrong here. It is very unhealthy and detimental to reject an individual and try to turn them into an image or fantasy or memory in your own mind.


Sometimes when men get older (and women too), they revert psychologically and wish to have someone who reminds them of their mother or father. Again, this is not healthy for you. It's wonderful that you work, have plans are doing well and want to live fully. It's also lovely that you pick up and move so often for him, though it is so difficult. Let him know that he has to take you as you are, or not take you at all. No relationship is worth breaking your spirit over.


Best wishes,

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