I'm not who he thought i was
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 05-22-2008 - 3:04pm |
My husband and I have been having a lot of troubles lately. We fight all the time but it's about stupid stuff. He gets mad because I shop and get new shoes or buy new stuff for the house. I get mad when he doesn't but his stuff away. He's an amazing guy but i don't know what to do to make him happy. He wants me to be simple and not want to shop and not need to wear makeup. He wants me to be like his mother. Plain. I'm not like that and never have been. I love to shp (maybe too much i'll admit but i'm tryin to work on that)
Ever since I started back to work after we had kids it's been hard. I'm a dreamer. I have big goals in life. I have drive and am successful in everything I put my mind to. He loves that as long as it doesn't disturb his dreams. He's in the military which makes it hard for me to have a career because we move every three years. I suck it up and move and start over but I'd be lying if it wasn't hard. I'd much rather commit to one spot but I want him to be happy with his career too. So I reluctantly supported him reenlisting in the Army.
I feel like I've sacrified a lot for him and he should get off my back about the little things like me shopping. I don't know what to do. We care about eachother and i'd do anything for him but i'm afraid he's falling out of love with me. I feel like if I don't stop doing the things that make him mad he'll leave me. How can I pretend to not like shopping anymroe? I'm a normal women. Every woman in my family has a huge love/addiction if you will, with shopping. I've always been this way but he thinks I was different when we got married. I was just broke when we got married so I couldn't afford to shop but I've always liked it. Now that I make good money I can afford nice things.
Please give me some useful advice. Advice for me and advice I can pass on to him.

Pages
Welcome to the board babyd214,
It sounds like there is some resentment building up with both of you.
I would recommend marriage counseling and maybe having one joint checking acct for bills and then having seperate accounts that way you can still spend some money like you would like.
glitter-graphics.com
glitter-graphics.com
Welcome to the board babyd214,
I think counseling could help you both really hear each other and maybe come to a spending limit and/or budget that you can both agree to and/or a household account and then separate accounts for other stuff.
Reading material to consider:
Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw
Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman
Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
Is shopping more important to you than your marriage? Are material things above necessities more important than your husband? Isn't saving for a future in a happy financially secure marriage more important?
Is the short lived instant gratification of buying yet another pair of shoes worth your marriage?
Really, think about it.
No this isn't really about shopping, I just wondered if it was a money issue. If not, is he jealous that you are now successful? I also wonder if he was always this way or if you originally agreed that you wouldn't work, that you would stay with the kids, and he doesn't want you working and doesn't like the fact that you changed your mind.
Have you two thought about counseling.
Is it just shopping that is an issue, or is the shopping just an example?
There's a difference between loving to shop, wanting to be beautiful, express your femininity and taking good care of yourself and an addiction to shopping. Sometimes a fine line. I don't know which of the two fits you, but I do know that your husband has no right whatsoever to tell you how to dress, how to look or who to be. This is abusive. Your are not his mother and do not have to fit some image in his mind. If he cannot love you as your are, and appreciate your enjoyment of beauty, something is seriously wrong here. It is very unhealthy and detimental to reject an individual and try to turn them into an image or fantasy or memory in your own mind.
Sometimes when men get older (and women too), they revert psychologically and wish to have someone who reminds them of their mother or father. Again, this is not healthy for you. It's wonderful that you work, have plans are doing well and want to live fully. It's also lovely that you pick up and move so often for him, though it is so difficult. Let him know that he has to take you as you are, or not take you at all. No relationship is worth breaking your spirit over.
Best wishes,
Save Your Relationship: The 21 Basic Laws Of Successful Relationships
Change The Way Women Think About Men and Find Out What Men Really Think About Relationships
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
Pages