I'm pregnant and we did not get married

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
I'm pregnant and we did not get married
12
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 12:33pm
My boyfriend and I were engaged to be married this Sept 4th and this past Feb I found out I was pregnant. So we moved the date to this past May and spent about 9 grand on our wedding. The day before he backed out, so we broke up and now we are back together trying to work it out. Should I trust him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 12:43pm
jhlebasko...

Whether you TRUST him or not isn't the issue....it's the baby the two of you have created TOGETHER!

Pianoguy suggests that you consult with your local human services department...and possibly a lawyer...to see what your rights are as "a single mom!" I'm not suggesting that the Father of your baby won't take responsibility, but...if he can walk out on your marriage the day before it was supposed to happen...he can pull the same routine AFTER YOUR CHILD IS BORN!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 10:40pm
I think you should not do anything until after the baby comes. Pianoguy is right - you need to find out your rights as a single mom. I would highly suggest consulting with an attorney because this will have implications on the rest of your life.

If he wants to be part of the baby/delivery that is fine as long as you feel comfortable and supported with that.

After the baby comes and the dust settles, then you decide. I would not make any more decisions now. You need to get through this first and you are not in the best state of mind to make a decision like that.

I am hoping you have family and friends to support you right now.

Maybe if you give us more info that will help. What are your pros and cons of having him in your life? Why did he back out of the wedding?

BTW - this is a great board but now that you are a mom you should seek the support of the single mothers dating board. Most of them are married, not just dating, and they will help you a lot as a new mother.

I wish you and baby all the best. I know you will love your precious bundle of joy more than life itself. You will be okay. I promise!! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 11:24pm
Please consider the gift of adoption.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 2:42am
Considering adoption might be an alternative but I didn't read anywhere that this baby wasn't wanted.

I think however, it is wise to wait until after the baby is born to find out if you really want to be together, after all it's the two of you who will be together when the baby leaves the nest. Also, do find out what your rights are as a single parent. Financial support is vitally important. Right next to legal rights, if you're looking at all your options, check out whats best for co-parenting as single parents. If dad's going to be in the picture - try to keep a healthy relationship so your child can benefit the best possible upbringing.

Your fiancee may have felt ready for marriage but not for fatherhood. He may have been in shock. First the high emotions of the wedding, then the prospect of a baby on the way. That's a plate full and it doesn't mean he loves you any less. He may have needed time to absorb everything that was happening. It may not have been this way for you - but it's not the same for everyone.

We support men or women who choose to withdraw from the marriage even if it's the day before if they have any doubt - it's better than after marriage. It gives them time to work through what is going on in their lives - I think he did the right thing. And I think they are doing the right thing by trying to sort it out.




Edited 6/21/2004 10:38 pm ET ET by hashell2004
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 4:15am
I disagree. After being a mom there is no way I could give up a baby for adoption. A baby is not a burden, it is a blessing.

I love my son more than life itself. I could not imagine life without him. I am a single mom (divorced) and I do just fine managing all the details by myself. It is amazing what you can do when you have to do it. I have no regrets, even with the divorce. I would rather have my son than anything else.

I have a friend who became pregnant when she was in her 20s. She was from a wealthy family. They thought they did the right thing by having her give it up for adoption. She has been in pain the rest of her life from this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 11:03am
Thank you hashall 2004

I guess there is alot more to the story. The father/boyfriend has already been married and has 2 of his own children. I have one. I had her when I was 16 and she turned out wonderful. I do not have fear of raising this child alone, I just don't want to. Dave and I love eachother very much and there were many reasons why he called off the wedding. His parents do not care for me at all. I dont know why! They never gave me a chance.We were aguing alomost night and day. It was terrible. Now that I am in my 5th month of pregnancy, it seems like things are better. I was very ill during the 1st 4 month. I think that caused lots of strain on the relationship.

He is now wanting marriage and to raise this child together. I'm just worried that he will back out again. We are currently in counseling and trying to work it out and we have reset the date to Sept 4th. Our friends and family are all very upset with us because of what happend in May and we probably will have a very simple ceremony. This makes me sad :) I just want everyone to be happy for us and for this baby to be in the best situation possible.


P.S. I would never in a million years give my baby away. I did this once and I will do it again. I have a great job, family and friends. Adoption is not always the answer. It would be different if I were unfit or had no money but that is not the case.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 12:06pm
I hope you didn't think I was suggesting you give your baby up for adoption. I was saying adoption was not necessarily the answer in response to someone who posted that you should look into adoption. I totally agree with you and am glad you and your boyfriend are working through this. I'm sorry you don't have his family's blessing and hope you and your bf will be strong and support each other. Being sick during pregnancy can definitely be stressful - I'm glad you're feeling better.

I think you and your bf are doing the right thing even if others aren't happy about it. It seems your bf just needed more time to work through some issues that are very important. When all is said and done - it'll be the 2 of you who will be enjoying your lives together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 12:15pm
thank you!!

I know you were not implying for me to give the baby away. i was just hoping the person that said it might read what I wrote to you. thank you

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 1:45pm
I just wanted to chime in here on the adoption issue.

There is no one-size-fits-all solution to unplanned pregnancies. In some cases, adoption is the best choice. I think that people need to keep this in mind, esspecially when they are unable to provide a stable home for a child. This isn't a question of how much a person loves the child or whether a child is a blessing or a burden. This is a question of making the decision that will be best for the child. Sometimes what's best for the child is to be adopted out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 6:17pm
Ah ha! I see, lol. Take care.

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