I'm scared & don't know what to do...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
I'm scared & don't know what to do...
4
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 4:35pm
We've been married 20yrs - no children.

I have caught my husband chatting on yahoo, the sick part is its always with men/boys. He goes online as a female teenager. He talks dirty with boys/men. I have caught him before -but never had evidence - so he said he was just messing w/people, that he didn't really do anything - he was just bored.

Well, I installed an online recorder....so no I have a stack of printed evidence. But, what do I do... When I confront him with this he is just going to beg me not to leave and say he'll never do it again, as he did before. If/when I leave - what do I tell people - I left because my husband of 20yrs is a pervert. I know he'd never tell his family or friends the truth.

I don't see how this could be something we could work thru - since, he's done it before and evidentually continues to do it. He'd never go to counseling and admit anything... If/when I leave, i'll have nothing, I don't work due to a disabiltiy, we have no children and I sure as heck don't want to stay here - I don't want him near me.

I have not confronted him with this (this time) yet - but I plan to do so soon. But, why is he doing this? Is he gay? Does he want to be a woman? What..what...what...could make this normal male (seems normal), everyone likes him, he's nice, compassionate and caring...how can he be doing this? This is a man that never, never has a bad thing to say about anyone - he is a peace keeper in all situations...why is he doing this?

Any advise would be greatly appreciated...Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 4:42pm
I cannot really say why he is doing this. He may be a closeted gay, or he may simply get turned on by playing the female, even if he is not physically attracted to men. The only way for you to find out is to ask him in a non judgmental way.

On the other hand, if you cannot live with that, then you have to leave him. It is clear that he won't stop. If he lied about it in the past, he will lie again: you did not leave, so he'll think that you won't leave in the future. Again, if you cannot accept what he does (and I wouldn't myself), don't believe his promises. They are worth nothing.

Oh and if you leave, contact a good attorney. he will make sure you get something, unless you have signed a prenup.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 4:47pm
No prenups....it's just that we have always been just a hard working couple, living payday to payday. I've been on disability for the past 2 yrs, so there isn't anything to "get" - we barely pay the bills now.

I don't know how - but I'll have to make it on my disability alone.

Thanks for the reply.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 5:09pm
This is not just about him possibly being gay. If he is flirting with young boys this could become illegal. His turn ons and values do not meet yours and he could have some real issues. He is lying to you.

'he's done it before and evidentually continues to do it. He'd never go to counseling and admit anything'

If you want out then go and don't worry what he will become or tell people afterwards. You won't have any ties.

'But, why is he doing this? Is he gay? Does he want to be a woman?'

No one here can tell you and I am sure he is even confused as to why he does it.

'If/when I leave - what do I tell people'

That you fell out of love, or had lots of problems and differences. You don't need to say anything about the details. Your happiness is what is important.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 8:14pm
Hi,

I feel you need lotsa hugs right now. I would not even give him a chance to explain himself. I would leave as fast as possible. Your DH is a PERVERT and you know it, that's why you've recorded his online conversations. He may even be doing something illegal.

As for what to tell others, tell them things didn't work out.

It's always the quiet ones, right? LOL I realize that you are afraid to be on your own with your disability and the fact that you're living paycheck to paycheck but there are resources available to you. You could always share a place with a roomate.

Please don't stay because you are dependant and needy of your DH. In the long run, it's not worth it!!

Build your inner strength and pull yourself together!! Just think of how embarassing it will be if your DH is caught doing something illegal and you are still married to him.

My prayers go out to you!