I'm in severe need of advice please :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
I'm in severe need of advice please :(
6
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 9:50am
To all-

First of all, thanks for taking ur time to look at this. I am in bad need of advice. Ok, so my boyfriend smokes weed, and he didn't tell me that he did until 6 months into the relationship; he knows I am very against all drugs, and he said he was scared that I would break up with him if I knew about it. He was crying at the time, so I didn't tell him right then that we wouldn't be togehter if he kept smoking. I gave him 'the ultimatum' i suppose a couple weeks later. Then he said he would quit for me and we left it at that. A month later I began seeing/hearing things that lead me to believe that he was back to smoking. Everytime I asked him, he totally denied it. This went on for about 7 months, and then in August, my world tumbled down. Me and his sister were talking and she mentioned that he was smoking. He had been smoking for several months now. I was so in shock, because he said stuff like 'I love you too much to smoke and hurt you' and 'if you live with me you will see I don't smoke'. I confronted him on it, and he admitted it. Ever since then, my trust is shattered and I keep catching him smoking still. I came home from work and he was smoking, and another time him and his friends got pulled over and my boyfriend went to jail for possession. Then after that he smoked one time I know about. He keeps hiding this from me and its tearing me apart. I was on the verge of insanity already, and then last night he took a shower and when he came out, there was this STRONGE smell of weed; also, he had a lighter in there and his dad's pipe was in there (I think it's his dad's...). I confronted him on it and he denied it. I want to believe him, but I am so scared to be wrong and be lied to again. I have the need to trust him, but I don't know if I can anymore. He got defensive and said he ain't gonna fight with me about it because I wouldn't believe him anyway. I got upset and went inside and got his little retractable knife and I ran it across my arm about 10 times. No blood was drawn, I just have little pink lines. I just don't know what to do because I love him sooo much and before all this happened we said we were going to get married and everything. He is really a good guy, he just has problems with weed and hiding it. PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!

P.S. Oh, and this morning when he left for work, he gave me a kiss and I smelled the weed smell on him, but only when his lips were close to my face. Then I left for school and (he left 5 minutes before me) I saw him driving around the neighborhood; he was already late for work, and work is 2 minutes away....why was he driving around...smoking maybe????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 10:09am
This is basic:

Your boundary is what you hold for yourself in your life. Nobody can break your boundaries - but you.

Here's where your at:

"I don't date people or have relationships or friendships with people that do drugs." That's YOUR boundary -a nd YOU KEEP IT and ONLY YOU KEEP IT - by disassociating from people that do drugs. The person doing drugs is not "breaking yoru boundary" by doing drugs and being with you. They don't have any boundaries regarding drugs, or else they wouldn't do them.

"I want a relationship with him". That's where you're at based on the interaction and investment, it's not that you like and admire HIM as a person - it's that you want a relationship and that status in your life.

So you CHOOSE...because YOU have a boundary and you've established a relationship with someone who doesn't share that boundary.

Do you ignore your boundary and be with someone that does drugs? IF so, realize that you can't change them, you can't eliminate the impact of the use on your life...and so do not fault or blame them when them using drugs and its negativity on you is a result in your life.

And if you choose not to ignore this boundary - break up. Move on. YO'll get over it - you two don't share values, priorities, goals, and definitions of a great life and how to achieve it - or else this wouldn't exist.

But the trap of "issuing an ultimatum" that is basically nagging becuase you don't do what you say, while you stalk him around, and monitor his every move, and you assume and project and spend huge amounts of time assessing, analyzing and worrying about "what he's doing"...that is called "enabling". It doesn' tput you any closer to your goals in life....it eliminates the negativity of his consequences because you'll be there cleaning up his results of his actions so that you're not "hurt"....and he proceeds to do more drugs, while you spend more time trying to control it....and you're nowhere in life that you want to be....while he's doing precisely everything he wanted and prioritized - getting high and having no consequences and lots of comfort and benefits.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 10:25am
End it with him and save yourself more heartache.

You want to be with somebody who doesn't do ANY drugs. This man does - and he won't give up for anybody but himself - he obviously has a pretty serious habit going on if he is smoking first thing in the morning - yikes!

Trying to enforce your values/rules on another person is futile - a person can only stop doing something if THEY want to stop doing it - he'll never be successful in his attempt to give up unless he truly truly wants to.

Either accept the smoking or move on - that is really all there is to it.

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 11:02am
Hi qtpie4706, I agree with the other post you definitely need to leave him. I know it is extremely hard to leave someone you are in love with. But think about it. What if you do end up getting married and one day you have his kids and he is smoking pot in front of them? I'm sure that is something you definitely do not want and from his actions he obviously needs professional help in order to help him stop smoking. He is acting like a typical drug addict by being very argumentative with you when you even bring it up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 11:25am
Well it sounds like to me that you know the answer to your own question. I been in that situation and believe me it is close to impossible to convince them to stop unless they want to. You might want to show him how much this bothers you by leaving him. Hopefully you will just have to do this temporarily, but maybe this will wake him up and let him know how serious you are, hope this helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 9:04pm
Hey,

I went through this same situation you are in several years ago. My ex-boyfriend used to smoke pot all the time too. He fed me the same lines of BS that you boyfriend feeds to you but he was continuing smoking behind my back. This went on for a couple of years and he started to dabble in other drugs. Then I realized several things:

1. He is lying to me about smoking weed when he obviously has smoked.

2. He does not value the same things as me and therefore we are always going to clash, no matter how much we think we love each other.

3. He is never going to change for me. He has to want to change for himself. He made it clear that he enjoyed smoking pot and did not want to stop.

I knew I did not want to live with a man who was going to be keeping drugs and paraphernalia in the apartment we share. I didn't smoke and I was certainly not going to get in trouble for it. I did not want to marry a man who was going to smoke weed around our kids. I was not going to put up with being lied to anymore. I broke up with him.

He is still smoking weed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 2:07am
Hard facts: He's an a drug addict. He will not change for you. You will end up in jail with him. If you have kids together you will probably have them taken away by the state. He had a pipe in the bathroom so he most likely is doing hard drugs too like crack. He will loose jobs by being high or not showing up. You have serious "dependancy" problems and running a knife across your arm 10 times will get you into an assylum if you don't get a grip and either get counceling or realize you are going to go crazy if you stay in this co-dependant relationship. You may not want to, but it's time to start becomming a grown up and stand up for what you believe in--leave him. If you don't you will become another pathetic beat up junkie's bimbo. That's the facts.