I'm so confused..and angry....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
I'm so confused..and angry....
10
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 1:02pm
Hi all~!

I'm new here...and looking for advise.

After being married (very happily) for the last 21 years. I got a divorce last year.

Long story....wont go into it here..But will say he was not home much the last 6 years and we grew apart after raising our 3 kids. There was no" cheating" involved...as far as I know.

Anyways...the problem is..that I went right from that to a relationship with a new man.

This man is 43...and while hes had 3 very serious relationships,(lived with for years) has never been married.

We started out talking (as most do...lol) He about himself...Me about my life ...

While talking he said he and his ex had been broke up about 18 months.

AND he had been celibate since... So I thought he had not been with anyone for about 2 years......

I did NOT ask for this information. He offered it.

In talking , right away he told me how his son....and sons mother lived next door.

(And I mean RIGHT next door...20-30 feet away!)

As our relationship progressed...He wanted me to move in with him....

I was leery about this, as I have never *lived with* anyone.

Its has been hard for me to move in for this reason AND because I didn't know how I'd feel about living right next door to HER*

His son is a joy...and I love him. But in the last 9 months that we have been together I kept getting vibes from her and others that there were things I didn't know.

He thinks I "think too much" I was told this for months....

About 2 weeks ago...He finally admitted to me that they had been together just before he met me! He said "It was just sex" and said he didnt want to lose me....So he didnt tell me...

And I know....he knew I wouldn't have moved in with him, RIGHT next door to her had I known. And I wouldn't have

This past week....she hugged me...and I knew....by what she slyly said that there was LOTS more I didn't know...and confronted him...I ask him to please tell me everything, so that she wouldn't have the ammo to surprise me..or hurt me...He said....yes, we were doing a few things together....seeing if we could make it work again. It wasnt just sex...

Last night after talking with her...

I was told...(I'm sure she took great joy in this)

That ....Oh you mean Mike did not tell you were living together?

I kept a straight face and said...no...where?

She said THERE , right in his house while we worked on mine...before I could move in here.

He does not understand why I am upset and perhaps just a wee bit untrusting now...lol

HELLO~!!!!!!

We have been talking about buying a home together.

And while he has said "I am going to marry you someday"

When I went online last night , to see what I should know about buying a house with an unmarried partner. I see that I have little rights if I dont have something wrote out by an attorney.

I found that unless we were going 50/50 I could get burned in this deal.

I would in fact be the one going a LOT more then 50/50.

As he has only had his home for 2 years , while my home was paid off , so I have quite a bit of money to buy new home

After researching online knew I had to ask him for paperwork that would protect me .

When I did, his answer floored me...

I now feel that he was also lying to me about ever wanting to get married.

AGAIN.....I didn't want nor expect him to want to marry me....

I dont want anyone saying something to me ..."to make me feel good.." Dont NEED that.

I wanted honesty....thats all.

I jokingly have always told him...at 43 ..and not married....you are not the marrying kind of man...LOL

Anyways...Now I dont know how we are ever going to work things out..

Please help..I love this man

Debbi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 1:59pm
I was once a divorced mother of 2 and if I were you I would not marry him, and I would move into my own place (not live with him). Love is not enough to make a relationship work. He's dishonest and if you stay with him, I think you are only beginning to experience what a life with him will be like. Don't kid yourself here. He will continue to lie about anything that he thinks might upset you or rock the boat. His age has NOTHING to do with it. I met my second husband when he was 40 and he'd never been married either, but it wasn't because he was not the marrying kind. He very readily married me and our relationship has a foundation of trust and respect. Yours doesn't, and it won't ever with someone who doesn't value that. His mouth can tell you the words you want to hear, but his actions tell you all you really need to know. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 3:16pm
I need to clarify a few points so that I can get honest advice....

First...I feel that in everything else he has been 100% honest with me other then the fact that he was with her.I know he loves me as much as I do him.

I also...lied about my age .....(I told him right away after I knew we were serious).

He says he only lied to spare my feelings...

Also when talking about the ex. that he had broken up with 18 months BEFORE he met me and told me he had been celibate. Was NOT the ex, that lives next door . The mother of his son.

He was with another woman for almost 7 years after her.....

Also....I didn't go into detail about what "floored me"

What I said was Mike, I've been researching online and I think we need to have an agreement drawn up.

What he said was Yes....ok..that will protect us both.

And after that he knew I was upset....

So came to me and said I misunderstood what you said...

I want to marry you and if you feel that you need a pre nup (it wasnt about that)

Then I have no problem with that.

I was comfortable with that , if that was what you wanted.

Thanks again..

Debbi

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 4:10pm

So I am confused, he wants to marry you, and is willing to sign a pre-nup so I am assuming that part is not actually an issue here?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 4:23pm

So, let me get this straight...you're ok with him lying about such a HUGE thing because he's honest about other, less significant things???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 12:09pm
Thank you for your reply....

I was so angry last week my first thought WAS getting a place of my own.

We just found out she has put her house on the market...

(So atleast a bit easier to stay here for a while , if thats what I decide to do....

I know he should have told me....Yet I understand why he didnt.

I'm not making excuses for him. I just understand.

Still doesnt make it right....

I DO think the rest of our relationship for over 9 months IS based on trust.

So now I just need to work thru this....or move on....

Thanks again

Debbi
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 12:36pm
I can understand why you're confused James....

The whole post rambled on and on...and didnt make sense to me after I read it also...lol

I was so upset....Thats why I posted later to clarify a few points...

Your reply: "he wants to marry you, and is willing to sign a pre-nup so I am assuming that part is not actually an issue here? You were researching online for your legal rights about getting a house together, his answer was that he wants to marry you at some point and would be willing to sign a pre-nup. Obviously he was a little confused on your question, but I am missing the problem with his answer."

While....he has said he wants to marry me..."someday" there had been no talk of it lately....and tho we started looking for a home together, I assumed , (I guess) it would just be living together...

Thats why I looked online , so that if we didnt work out...I wasnt walking away with nothing, after having a large percentage needed to buy this home.

Even tho I know....he may not have as much money towards this home...He does have a nice house that he loves and has put a lot of work into.

What upset me was that he said , YES, about an agreement in writing...."To protect you AND ME"...(this was NOT a pre nup,I was talking about)

I felt like, he thought I was going to take things that belonged to him and his son.

I would never do that...and was very insulted...

AFTER a few minutes he came to me...and said He had not heard me correctly...and said I want to marry you....and if you would feel better we could have a pre-nup.

I felt like he had just said it, because I was upset...

The problem I'm having now..is moving past him not telling me about her...

I KNOW its in his past. I keep telling myself that it was before he met me.

And I know he hasnt lied to me about anything else...( I hope)...lol

Thanks so much for your reply.

Debbi

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 1:02pm

Honestly, the only thing I got from your post is that the two of you need a break and you need to get your thoughts together about whether or not you are going to forgive him and really move on or if his lie was a deal-breaker for you and this relationship is over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 1:12pm
Okay, I've read thru this entire saga.

My thoughts on his lying is that you need to stop reviewing individual situations as if they're not caused by, affecting, or related to anything else. Patterns prevail while situations change because values justify and entitle behavior. We don't all have the same values, priorities, boundaries and standards - thus the actions, decisions and words we are justified and entitle to take are different.

So, you don't share values in that aspect. His values say to lie if it will benefit him. But you've evidently decided that 'a relationship with him" on his terms, and by his standards is what you want....so you're going to work your way thru/around this aspect of his values - that he lies when he benefits by doing it.


About this house....here's where you sit. You can draw up agreements that state what % of the house is yours and what % is his.....and move in together. You also need to state who'll be leaving if you split, and how much equity they'll be entitled to get. It's not as simple as "I invested $70k, he invested 30k and after 4 years, if we split, I'll get the house and I owe him $30k".

You'd owe him MORE than $30k...but it's thefact that you'd have to refinance the house at your expense that would be the kicker. That would cost you MORE on top of what you owe to him.

And that is provided that you want to keep the house yourself and get it in this pre-arranged legal contract. Which you'll still have to enforce should your relationship deteriorate with eviction. Which is why you'd need a legal contract - so that you could evict in court and then have it followed thru on.

Where your dilemma could be...is that if HE is going to retain the house per this agreement, and the relationship ends. He now owes you $70k + interest. and if he's unable to refinance thehouse, and puts it on the market in order to secure you back your investment...you won't get it until the house sells. And then what you'd get would be a split of 70% of the 100% of PROFIT that he made...NOT $70K unless the house was entirely worth that and quite a bit more.

What you're considering in buying a house without marriage is an "investment". Consult a real estate attorney to find out what your options are, and what legal contracts need to be in place - so that you're not totally screwed out of your investment if this relationship with a liar fails.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 1:14pm
Hi Sherri...Nooooooooooooooooo I'm not "OK with it"

That why I posted here....lol

But I also didnt post to a I hate my boyfriend/husband message board.

I posted to a relationship **SAVER** board. :)

I could have I guess...and got lots of "leave the liar" etc replies...

Wasnt what I was looking for...

I love this man and I know he loves me.

I want to work thru this and move on....

Quote -The "lied to spare your feelings" bs is a crock. He lied to spare HIS feelings...so he wouldn't have to deal with your reaction, and without regard for how his lies would hurt you.

I understand where you're coming from...I too felt the same way...

But this WAS before he met me...and I will be honest and say this.

The man I knew for 24 years and was married to for 21. ALSO lied to me a couple times

To spare my feelings....but he was an honest man.VERY honest.

I'm not sure that once they lie...They ALWAYS lie.

I love to read...and will check out those books tho~~!!!!!

Thanks so much for your reply

Debbi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 1:28pm
You want to save it, then insist on couple's counseling and deal with the issues there. He needs to know how upset you are because of his lies, his inability to be honest and upfront, lying by omission and hoping you didn't find out because he wanted to KEEP you. Hon, it's all about him, every self-serving, self-centered behavior.

I hope you work it out to your satisfaction.


Carrie