i'm so sad,guilty and miserable

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
i'm so sad,guilty and miserable
5
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 7:12pm
hi my name is vivian i just turn 30 yesterday but my life is a disaster.

i been takin zolof since may, but i don not think is working for me. my biggest problem is my relationship with my boyfriend. he is wonderful, but because of my aptitud I destroyed everything. i don't understand my aptitud I fight so much I am always the provoker, I said so many hurtful things and then I get so depress that i can not get out of my bed, work, eat or talk to anybody. yesterday i did it again and I do not know what to do anymore. I hate myself so much for this. I had done it so many times that I feel he thinks i never going to change eventhough he does not says that.

I really hate my self. I been cryng all day I feel so guilty.

like I said before he is a wonderful person, very sweeet and always willing to help me with everything, but I feel I'm putting him to too much with my aptitud,my depression and my negative thoughts. I LOVE HIM A LOT and he does to. I really want to change.

I used to be a very happy person, but now i don't even reconize myself. I don't have any friends to talk to and I really feel i need to do it . yesterday I cryed so much and ask god for some help and today i found this webpage. I don't want to lose him but i'm afraid i'd never change and make him miserable eventhoght in my heart is the last thing i want to do . I also know he will be very sad if i leave him he really does love me a lot, he always forget the hurtful thing i said when i fight, but i constanly ask my self for how log he would do it and if it's fear for him to keep doing it. He's alway telling me that i'm going to get better he supports me a lot. and eventhogt i KOWN he loves me and has plans with me for the future i ALWAYS say the opposite when i fight and I keep hurting him and my self. why i keep doing this AM I CRAZY ?????????

what can i do? is this happenning because of my depression.

please some help !!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 8:24pm
Are you talking to a therapist? It's good you are on medicine, but you also need to be talking to someone about the problems you are having. A therapist will give you ideas on how to handle these issues. A therapist will sometimes allow you to bring your boyfriend in which could give you a chance to talk to him w/ the therapist there so things don't get out of hand. Also a counselor sometimes gives you books to read, homework (like a journal) that you can work on, and ideas on how to find activities and make friends.

And if you feel your medicine isn't working, then maybe your doctor can give you a different kind or change your dosage. There are many many different drugs out there for depression like paxil, prozac, and many new ones I can't remember all their names.

A very important aspect of recovery for depression is that you realize that you need friends. Right now you are relying completely on your boyfriend ( you said you had no friends) and that is a lot of stress on him and that is why you are worried that someday he will want out of the relationship. Talk to your family, get in touch with a counselor, reconnect with old friends, join a support group, and start reading self help books, and find a hobby or take a class - some way to meet new people.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 8:38pm
A good book to start out with is:

"SOS Help with Emotion: Managing Anxiety, Anger and Depression" by Dr. Lynn Clark.

This book explains that the way you think makes you more depressed. If you tell yourself that you will "never get better" and that " you are a horrible person" the worse you feel. Think about the way you talk to yourself. You are probably constantly saying bad things to yourself which makes you sadder and sadder which makes sense. If you were around someone who was always being mean to you like you are to yourself, you would be depressed.

You need to pay attention to the way you talk to yourself - it matters!

Look at your post:

you say: my life is a disaster.

you say: I destroy everything.

you say: I hate myself.

you say: I'm afraid I will never change.

You need to change these thoughts! Lie to yourself if you have to, tell yourself that you love yourself, that you are a good person, that you will change and that you aren't the worse person in the world. Make a list of all the things you have to be grateful for such as your eyesight, your hearing, your loving boyfriend, any family you have, your health (if you are healthy), your education or your skills, your talents.

I know it is very hard to make a positive list like this, so even ask your boyfriend what is great about you so you can add those things he sees onto your list. Keep the list handy and read it every time you feel down.

It may seem like it doesn't work at first but give it time. If you ever need ideas/advice email me

batharine@yahoo.com

I went through depression and 2 years of counseling - once a week - so I have lots of advice and know how you feel but I have to tell you once you are out of the depression you will be happy - it will happen!




Edited 9/14/2004 8:38 pm ET ET by batharine


Edited 9/14/2004 8:39 pm ET ET by batharine

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 1:42pm
Go back to your doctor and get a new med, also you should be in counseling at the same time, if you are and you don't think it's helping, find a new counselor.

Reading material:

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy – David D. Burns, MD

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

Self Matters, Phil McGraw

The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz

How to Succeed at Being Yourself: Finding the Confidence to Fulfill Your Destiny, by Joyce Meyer (Christian Based)

If you seriously hate yourself, then you need to know where this stems from, you have to get to the bottom of it, because no matter how great a guy (person) you have in your life until you know and believe that you are worthy of love, you will continue to fight and push away people that love you. Talk back to those negative feelings. Start journal writing. Write about what you are grateful for, write about what bothers you, wrie about your goals, write about what you like about yourself, write about what you want to change and write out a plan to make those changes. Realize that happiness comes from within you NOT from another person, place or thing. Start doing something nice for yourself - go for a walk, buy yourself flowers, read some good books, start doing volunteer work, seeing someone worse off then ourselves goes a long way - volunteer at your local hospital, read to the kids on the cancer ward.

Do positive affirmations. Look in the mirror and say aloud - I love you Vivian. At least 7 times a day.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 2:16am
viv.I think that these emotions are stimming from your depression. its good that you have a nice guy by your side,some people suffer from the same thing as you and are not as fortunate as you.so let that brighten you up.and as far as being scared of him leaving, that sounds like anxiety.the good thing is that you are here.a nice guy is by your side.jump on that wave and ride.relax a little.and take one step at a time. one day at a time.the reason why you may be depressed is thinking so hard and so much inviting anxieties that take the form of depression.dont be sad be happy.take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 7:48pm
Vivian, ya know you and i are somewhat similar. I have my volcano moments too. I dont always feel like you, but alot of times i do. i drives my husband nuts, hell it drives me nuts sometimes too. i have no idea what i want to do in life beyond raising my children. sometimes i feel like he could do better. but then i have days that things seem so much better. our only problem is we both seem to let life get to us, i have troulbe talking, and we both forget all about the little things that show we love each other. of course we dont have much time together( 4 days out of a month). we get into this vicioius cycle of the things i just named... which makes us think we should split up. and neither of us want to. we both want to fix things between us, but the biggest problem is my attitude towards life and myself... which i have no clue how to fix because how i feel usually is because of some small failure or how the other people around me are.i have tried medication... but it didnt really help. i have to find ways to help myself feel better, and figure out how we can get out of our unhappy cycles.