I'm so upset

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
I'm so upset
16
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 1:04pm
Hi everyone,

I have to vent. I'm so upset at the moment, I'm on the verge of tears (at work, which is unexceptable). My H has been unemployed for 2 years. He finally recieved a settlement check last month and we paid off a bunch of debt that had accumulated over the last 2 years. Most of the debt was from credit cards, some from puuchases we had made prior to him losing his job, some of it from bills paid during the first few months of his unemployment. The thing is, I'm the one who came into the marriage with the line of credit. Instead of closing my accoutns and opeing up a joint account with my H, I just kept my accounts because his credit was less than fabulous. Now, I have been supporting our family which includes, 2 kids, my H, myself, and my inlaws , mortgage, 2 car payments and all other utilities, etc. I barely made enough to cover the basics (and I make good money, though it hasn't felt like it). We've been broke this whole time. But I've stayed supportive of mt H and his decisions (there's a lot of detail I'd rather not get into). And I managed to maintatin my credit until about 3 months ago, just short of my H settlement check. I just couldn't keep up anymore. So my credit went to crap immediately. I had maintain contact with the creditors, telling them my predicament about H, and staying on payment plans, etc. But it came to the point where I couldn't afford to pay anything on the credit cards...our mortgage was more important to pay...oh, BTW, the house is in my H's name only...I'm not on the title. Anyway, my H assured me that his settlement check would be enough to cover everything and that we'd get it all cleared up once it came. Well the check came, and after taxes, we were left with less than half of what we had expected. So, my H settled out with the credit card companies and paid off our cars, which is good, right? Well, come to find out, my fears we true. It doesn't matter if we're married...his credit is his credit, my credit is mine. So, he's not worked this whole time, yet his credit looks great because I paid for his car and the house that were in his name. My credit, however is in shambles because all that is seen is credit card settlements, and I don't own a house, etc. etc. I did own my own home, but sold it when I married H. Today, it really hit home how screwed I got in this whole deal. My H told me he told the creditors that I had a "spending probelm" so they'd settle for less. So I look like an as*, now, because I'd been telling them the truth the whole time, and they document everything (right?) and now it looks like I was lying. And I gave up my cell phone when he lost his job, but H kept his. I told him to get me a phone today. He called and said that they'd give him a good deal, but that they required a $200 deposit on me because of my bad credit. I was just sooo upset!! I keep trying to tell my self it doesn't matter if it's his credit or nor mine, but inside I feel really screwed. I'm not a bad person...I am responsible, yet I look like a monster and a loser, when what caused all this the begin with was my H losing HIS job!! If something were to happen to H, I'd be soo screwed. PLease help me get some prespective on this...I'm very upset and not sure how to handle it. THanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 2:43pm
Did you marry the man in this state of financial and personal chaos?

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 2:45pm
Yes, he's actively looking for a job now. His parents are elderly, and have required a lot of his time. But his mother recently moved into a nursing home and his dad may be moving into assisted living next month, if all goes according to plan. So, he can seriously start looking now. I was just plain dumb not to insist on having both our names on everything from the beginning. And I really don't think he was planning to screwing me over...he never planned on losing his job! Like I said, it's my own pride that's got me all riled up....but Iset myself up. No one to blame but me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 2:50pm
No. He was doing quite well for himself. He made more money than I. And things were gogin well for us for the first year. The only thing is we didn't have any savings and that was our biggest mistake. When he lost his job, that's when everything went down hill. We had almost paid off everything when it happened. But after paying only minimum payments for 2 years, the debt sky rocketed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 3:03pm
Both of you would benefit from financial counseling advice. Living within your means includes savings against emergency or crisis. Neither of you are doing it. Debt doesn't "skyrocket" because you only pay minimum's due on already incurred debt.

Debt skyrockets because you continue to live in the same standard and style that you did while employed.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 3:10pm
Or additional expenses, such as elderly inlaws moving in. But I agree with you. It's more than just minimum payments....we've both been vey stupid in many ways.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 3:24pm
I agree with you that you should have done things differently from the beginning. But you're not the only one with a pride issue. It sounds like your DH values his male pride over the truth in some ways. I know men like this - male pride at being a good provider is quite powerful in some men. I'm not going to call him a bad guy - that kind of pride is socialized from a very young age. There is something else that is a very powerful motivator in driving actions. And that's the strong desire to protect your loved ones from harm in all ways. I'm just surprised that he didn't insist on protecting your credit, and didn't insist on having your name on your combined major assets from the beginning in the same way you should have. The "blame" here should be placed equally, at the very least.

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