I'm so weak!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2011
I'm so weak!
3
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 10:46am
I 46 my boyfriend is 36 and we have a five year old daughter. We've been together for 10 years and live in Singapore as expats.

In 2004 I went for a routine PAP smear and was diagnosed with an STD. Turned out that while I was in the UK my boyfriend cheated. To cut a long story short I decided to continue the relationship. It waa touch and go as I was very hurt. Strangely the actualbsex with someone else didnt become the main issue for me it was the bare faced lies that Hurt most of all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2011
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 11:14am
Sorry pressed done by mistake there!

Anyway I tried to move on but found it difficult to trust. I went to counselling which helped and I tried really hard to put it behind us. My daughter was borne in 2006

This relationship has always been based on sex. It
Always bound us together but since the betrayal I can see that I resent my partner and withold or lie back amd think of England rather than just go with ot and lose myself with him. I cam also see that he resents me for doing that!

I still have trust issues even after all this time. He is and always has been a closed and private person. He doesnt share his feelings and retreats into his own quiet world if somethings bothering him. I'm
used to his ways and gave up pushing him to talk a long time ago as he just wouldnt or would get annoyed. He talks to me when he wants to and I've accepted that but of course if there are trust issues I want to know everything!

Anyway I always said that if he ever lied to me again I would leave him. Today he did. Small lies but lies non the same. He also lies by omission. This is all over him being in contact with his ex girlfriend and first real long term relationship.

When confronted he gets cross and attacks me ... He believes the whole thing is insignificant which it is to a degree. I told him I'm not comfortable with the email exchanges between them and asked why he'd been in touch with the ex and why he didnt mention it to me. He said it wasnt important. The connection itself is secondary its the fact that he lied when confronted again by Omission and I have to ask thecright questions to find out whats going on.

I end up feeling all needy and upset like its all my fault and to be honest the whole thing rakes up feelings I've been trying to deal with since his betrayal.

I told him to move out but I've been divorced twice both after having affairs and I so want this relationship to work especially as I have a daughter. My family all live in the UK and altho I have friends they're not really close - close enough for me to burden with any serious relationship probs!!

I'm not I can cope with the emotional stress as well as my daughter. Plus financially we cant afford to live separately. We both are not happy in our relationship but we've been through such a lot together.

I feel that I need to be more assertive but I just feel so drained of energy.

Any advice would be so welcome. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 11:55am

If a relationship is based purely on sex, then you can't expect much more than sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2011
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 12:45am
Thx for your reply. I've been to counselling this morning. It helped me to focus. We havent addressed the sex based relationship issue but did address the lack of trust and what appears to be a mutual resentment of each other .... My way of course is to withold sex afterall if someone's not nice to you you dont really want to have sex with them do you?

Guess we'll see how the sessions go. On a plus point we did talk last night and aired a lot of our grievances. My partner usually is a stonewaller so I guess that was progress.

I'm just not sure if we've past the point of no return afterall trust is the foundation of a good relationship. My partner could b being totally honest with me but I still doubt him so I'm wondering how its going to work.

My daughter has not been a party to or witnessed any arguing crying etc etc we both have made sure of that. Being a stonewaller my husband just statys at work so communication can be avoided.

One issue discussed with the counsellor is my fear at losing my daughter. Being in Asia the laws are v much on the man's side and there is no question he will do everything in his power to take her from me. This is my biggest fear and truthfully the reason I'm still with him. Am thinking I might as well try and make the best of it!

Whether my partner will come to counselling with me is a different matter!