I'm thinking of divorce. Help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
I'm thinking of divorce. Help.
5
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 1:40am

I got married in May of 06. I got pregnant the following month. I had my baby March of this year. Now here is where the trouble is. When I was pregnant my husband found out he has another child with another woman. This happened before we met. She was on welfare and the state made her come up with a father to take over the responsibility. It's now 2 years old. My husband doesn't want anything to do with her or the child. I've been consumed by this. I absolutely hate this woman for this. If I would have known my husband had a child BEFORE we got married..I would never have dated him. I feel that the child support payment is hurting our son by not having the money I wanted for him to get the things I want for him. That's selfish. But I'm being honest. I've thought of divorcing my husband and just being single or sometime after divorcing finding another man that doesn't have any children so that his income won't be affected by child support payments.

Second of all. This woman is on drugs. Which has really made me look at my husband in another light. I feel dirty that he would pick someone so trashy to have sex with and it makes me wonder..."Am I also that trashy?". And "Why did I choose him to marry?" We met when he was in the military and I didn't know anythign about his family or background except for what he told me. I had met his family a few times before we got married but no red flags came up.

And third..after we got married. He got out of the military and we went to stay with his father until my husband could find a civilian job. I absolutely find my father in law disgusting and annoying. His house for some reason has became nasty. He recently divorced my husbands mother and all he talks about is her and how he wants her back. My son hates being held by him because he's loud and he's not used to someone yelling all the time. He cries forever. He wont' leave my son alone and let him sleep he's always fooling with him. He even continues to hold him after I tell him I need to see him to change his diaper or feed him because he's not doing it right. Which makes me so angry. Do not keep my son from me!! I've been in arguments with my father in law in the past so we know kinda where I stand. I absolutely hate my husbands family. I have to drag myself to their home. And it's made me not to even want to have sex with my husband because I hate my father in law so much just knowing he came from his genes is a turnoff.

Not only is the father in law thing killing my sex drive so is the drama with his sons mother, and I just don't feel like having sex. And my husband complains about it all the time. But the desire is not there. I cringe when he even tries to touch me. And I'm happier when he's not home.

I don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 12:36pm

Welcome to the board nrt1983,


Look into going into individual counseling help you work through all of this. To be honest, I feel very sorry for your husband's other child. This child didn't ask to be born to a mother who uses drugs and then have a father who doesn't want to be part of it's life. I really don't know how your husband can have such a disregard for this child concerning that he now has another child. You are right you are being selfish, but at least you realize this. I can understand you being upset about just finding about this child.


I also think the sooner you can move out of your father-in-laws the better.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 1:03pm

Yikes! I am glad the other child will be getting money. It is the lease that the child deseerves considering its father wants nothing to do with it.

'finding another man that doesn't have any children so that his income won't be affected by child support payments.'

I would hope that you would do this with a man you love who wants to raise your children and not finding someone to fill your selfish needs like your post suggests.

Honestly, get your priorities in order. Figure out how you can make your marriage work and raise your child in a happy environment, even without a lot of money.

'..."Am I also that trashy?". And "Why did I choose him to marry? ...I absolutely hate my husbands family. I have to drag myself to their home. And it's made me not to even want to have sex with my husband because I hate my father in law so much just knowing he came from his genes is a turnoff. "

Maybe it is time for counseling. Do it for your child.

Can you move in with your family for a while?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 6:55pm

Hi nrt,


I highly recommend counseling for you right now. You need a safe place to vent your emotions, greif, resentment, etc. before you decide anything.




iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 6:36pm
Well we haven't lived at my inlaws since September. But when I go there it annoys me. No I'm not going to do counseling. Counseling will not make the fact he has to pay over HALF of his income to someone on welfare and leave us wondering how we are going to pay bills go away. My husband is moving out. I told him a couple days ago I wanted him gone. I don't want to save my marriage. Because I don't want to see OUR money going to someone else. So I would rather just sever it and move on. But thanks for the comments.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 7:14pm

Here's some other boards that you might find useful:


Breaking Up Is Hard to Do


Surviving Divorce & Separation


Good luck to you.