i'm torn - what do i do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
i'm torn - what do i do?
4
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 5:05am
My boyfriend and I have been dating for less than a year and thins were running smoothly until about a month and a half ago. We had a date which he didn’t show up for and didn’t call either not even the day after. I called after a couple of days but he didn’t return my call. He eventually called back after a little hounding and explained how he had some issues he needed to deal with and that it wasn’t that he didn’t want to call but he just couldn’t bring himself to do so. Everything seemed to be fine after that and then a week after, we had an argument and when I called back the next day since it was my fault, I never got a call back. I called later during the week, sent emails but no response. Two weeks later, we ran into each other at a friend’s party but he couldn’t speak to me – just had an “I’ve wronged you but I don’t have the courage to talk it out with you” look. A week later, we met at a friend’s place and finally talked and we got back together. Once again, things went well for a week until he suggested we go out to dinner but then called at the time he was supposed to pick me up with an attitude that clearly spelled hesitance about going but he couldn’t come out and say so. I knew where he was heading and I got pissed because cos he couldn’t just say he wasn’t going. After continuous asking and way past our reservation, he barked that he wasn’t going and when I asked why, he said he didn’t feel like talking about it then. Now after all we just went thru, I expected a little more from him, so I hung up on him , never called back and he didn’t either. A week after, he finally called but I wasn’t available, and he didn’t leave a message so I didn’t call back cos I figured he could call back if he really needed to talk to me. He still hasn’t called back since then. I’m torn – one side of me wants to call because I really love him and am worried because I know he’s going through a hardship and I want to be there for him. The other side of me is not ready to give in because he obviously has trouble sharing with me and if I call now, he’ll just keep repeating this and he doesn’t have any excuses for not calling even though I was pissed and reacted a little too quickly. I’m so confused….
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 10:12am
You're letting him run the show. Every time he does you wrong he says "i don't want to talk about it". It's time for you to say "Well, in that case, it's not worth carrying on this relationship, call me when you 'feel like' talking about it. If I'm available, great! If I've already moved on, your loss". Sounds like that's what he's looking for anyway.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 1:27pm
thanks ... thats pretty much what i told him b4 i hung up - that if he didn't feel like talking about it right then, that i never wanted to talk about it. i'm worried that maybe he feels that since he's put me thru so much i wouldn't want to hear anything he has to say but then why won't he even try? how do you explain him callin a week later but not again? i know i shouldn't call except i also know there's smthng wrong with him that he's not dealing with properly (he's also not contacting family & lies to our friends that we recently just saw each other whenever he's asked) in the past, he always called even if i was at fault... i'm sorry if i sound silly but its just my first real relationship and its hard to accept the unexplainable change of someone who was really loving.... i'm trying to find smthng i really hate about him maybe that would help me move on but i seem to always make an excuse for him about some action because i think i'm being "understanding" - for instance, i don't think i should have hung up on him cos he could have found it hard to tell me he didn't want to go because he didn't think i would take it well as a result of all that's been happening except at the same time, that doesn't excuse his not calling... i'm still young (early twenties) and know i could easily meet someone else but i don't want the someoneelse, only him aargh!
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 3:43pm
So he's an adult and he's making a choice. It's not up to you to be treated poorly, all in the name of being "understanding". If he has something wrong and he's choosing not to deal with it, you can put up with his bad behavior without knowing why, or you can remove yourself from the situation. You can't fix anything for him and you can't make him open up. He doesn't want to.

When I originally read your post, I thought you were teenagers because of the way he's acting. It's very immature behavior.

As for making excuses for him, you are probably hurt by his rejection and his clamming up like that. It's easier for you to make excuses for him rather than think he doesn't want to be with you anymore or thinking that 'ok, this is not healthy, I need to move on'.

It's not silly at all. You care about him so it's normal that you wouldn't want to just throw it all away. Unfortunately, if he is choosing not to tell anyone, it's best for you to move on. Otherwise you are sending the message that it's ok for him to treat you however he wants, whenever he wants. And that's NOT a message you want to send, even once. He IS putting you through a lot.

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You don't know what he's thinking. Maybe he's not thinking at all about having put you through hard times. Sounds like he's not thinking of too many people right now except himself. I can't explain his calling a week later. Maybe he felt bad or missed you for a moment? Maybe he just wanted to see if you would hang out and pretend that nothing happened (you SHOULDN'T!!!). He doesn't want to deal with whatever's going on, so in my opinion, you have no choice but to stay away from him and take care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 9:49pm
Thanks a lot for all your advice and helping to put things in perspective esp. how he's prob. not thinking at all (i get caught up thinking for him that i begin to believe he truly feels that way) but ur responses have really helped and i'm feeling a lot better and slowly trying to move on... i do clearly realize now that despite what he might be going thru, he's treating me like dirt and is plain selfish and needs to grow up - i don't deserve such and he definitely doesn't deserve me a bit. I find myself going thru cycles where i start crying uncontrollably (is this normal?) or think if he does call within the next week or 2(yeah i can't decide on a hard deadline too in the hopes that his call doesn't fall after it) and explains himself, i'll take him back but its prob. best that i don't so i truly hope he doesn't call ever again cos i'll be able to better stick to my word once i'm completely over him or pissed off enough.

.... a grateful brokenhearted gal :o(