Inappropriate relationships?!?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2008
Inappropriate relationships?!?!
10
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 9:50am

Hi all! DH and I have been married for about 5 months now. Our life is great, except for one BIG problem. He has a female friend, and they have known each other for a little over 20 years. Before we got married, I wasn't comfortable with some of the things they would say or do, but it wasn't a big deal deal. About 2 weeks before our wedding, when she found out she wasn't invited (we were very strict in only inviting immediate family) she flipped out. Her first words when she found out we were getting married were "why can't I come"... then she started crying and flipped out on DH and hung up on him. He felt bad so he called he back and said she could come. Right then, I had a bad feeling about their relationship. Since then, things have gotten worse. I REALLY want to blame it all on her, but

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 10:54am

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2008
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 11:44am

I knew that they were friends, and I really didn't think anything of it. I didn't know until after we got married to what extent this would effect our marriage or me. There were things that he didn't tell me until after we got married (partially because I never asked, I guess). And before we got married I did tell him that there were certain things that I found disrespectful (the 2 of them being alone together was the biggest one). I guess I didn't clarify that in my first post. To be totally honest with you, I didn't foresee this as a problem until our wedding... and I literally mean at our wedding. After the ceremony was over, instead of spending time with me or anything, he spent the rest of the day with her. I guess I knew then that this was going to be a source of pain for me and conflict in out marriage. And of course, now that I look back, there were signs I should have noticed before we got married, but hind sight is always

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 12:26pm

Welcome to the board jlg1215,


Have you mentioned to him that he has kept the promise he made to you in the premartial counseling about his relationship with her?


Their relationship is inappropriate and I don't see things changing with it unless he is willing to put his foot down with her and make some changes. I just don't know what the possibility is of that happening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2008
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 12:43pm

I don't want him to kick her out of his life all together... they are friends and he has known her for years... all I want is boundaries. I've tried having the "boundaries" talk with him, but I usually get all emotional and angry... lol. I know DH and I know that he wants to make me happy, but he is so tender hearted and he doesn't want to see anyone hurting (even her). But he's 31 years old and he knows that sometimes, someone is going to get hurt.


I've reminded him that he promised me that I would always come first (or rather our family would always come first), but he thinks that always means 9/10 of the time. We do come first to him, as long as she isn't around or doesn't need or want something. Which wouldn't be SO bad, but her lifestyle does not mesh with ours! We do not drink or smoke or "party" and usually, that's what she wants him to do... go out with her somewhere (where there will be alcohol) and even though he doesn't drink, whenever she is around, she has a way of making him suddenly change his mind and drink (or even get knock down, 3 sheets to the wind, drunk). And I think she does this on purpose because she knows that if she invites "us" out somewhere where there is smoking and drinking, I'm not going to go. HELLO! I'm pregnant AND I have an 18 month old that I'm not taking anywhere NEAR those kinds of things!

preghangover.png Why God is a Man #32 image by chacha629


-Jennifer

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 12:50pm

The fact that you get emotional when you try to talk to him about this is a really good reason to go to couples counseling to deal with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 1:36pm

Welcome to the board Jennifer,


I just wanted to send you a HUG. I've can relate to what you've written.


Since you are married, try counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2008
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 5:02pm

You do have a tough time here because this relationship started before he met you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 7:17pm

"I don't want him to kick her out of his life all together"


But, unfortunately, this is what is going to need to happen. What you have described has gone beyond friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 8:48pm

but he is so tender hearted and he doesn't want to see anyone hurting (even her).


But it's OK to hurt you?





angels

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2008
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 9:21pm
Well, unfortunately, you are all right. Not that it's a bad thing... I asked for advise and I got it. I knew what the answer was, I just didn't want to see it. He is totally open to counseling, and since I can't seem to discuss this without getting upset, maybe that's the best solution. And yes, this girl is not only involved with someone else, she is getting married in 2 months (I'm PAINFULLY aware of this because DH is in her wedding party... woo-freaking-hoo). But her fiance has cheated on her numerous times, and apparently their relationship isn't the best either (but no one has a perfect relationship). Thank you so much for your help. It's hard to find an unbiased person to ask for advise b/c my family is going to side with me regardless and his family doesn't like her for other reasons. I know that I'm right to be concerned, but I just want to be wrong. Thank you all again for the advise. If you have anymore, keep it coming... lol!

preghangover.png Why God is a Man #32 image by chacha629


-Jennifer

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