incapable of healthy relationships

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2007
incapable of healthy relationships
5
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 1:50pm

I don't think I'll ever be able to have a healthy relationship. I don't even know where to begin. I have come to realize that I am a disaster and I don't know where to start to fix myself. I am a smart, accomplished successful person and appear to have it all together on the outside. But inside, I hate myself and I keep doing very stupid things. I don't have many friends because I am afraid that if they get to know me, they'll see that I'm not perfect and they won't like the real me.

I was sexually abused as a child and lived with that shame for over 20 years before finally telling anyone about it. I spent my life letting people believe that everything was always OK even though I hurt so much on the inside.

I worked very hard in school and at my career. I got married in my early thirties to a man who also appeared perfect on the outside, but was abusive towards me and had an affair. Everyone thought I was so perfect and had the perfect marriage. I did work up the courage to leave that relationship.

I don't think I took the time to figure out why that happened. I just immersed myself in work. I met someone new a year later. He seemed nice, but as we got more involved and I learned more about him I found out that he has issues trusting women. His mother was a serial cheater. He had a very low opinion of women. He would read my email and follow me to work. I did not leave because he said that it had nothing to do with me and that he would eventually get over it.

I began to lie about meetings and my whereabouts because I knew that if he knew that I had to meet with a male colleague, or travel with one he would blow up. Since I hid the secret of abuse from my family, I am a good liar. I am not proud of that - of my ability to wear a mask and hide the truth. It is very destructive.

The relationship with this man was spiralling downward and I knew that it would end, but in the meantime I had an emotional affair with someone else. My boyfriend read my email and all the exchanges between me and this other man. He called me all kinds of names and said that for all my success and education I was just a common whore and that he couldn't believe that I did that since I didn't seem like I was "that kind of woman." He forwarded the emails to his account and says that he will ruin me with them.

I hate myself and I don't know how to dig myself out of this hole of self hatred. I believe the things he said about me. I am horrible. I am a liar. I can compartmentalize my life and hide my emotions. That makes me a liar and I hate that.

Is there any hope for me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2007
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 2:06pm

Your message really struck a chord with me because I am in a semi-similar situation. Three years ago, I was raped, and it very much damaged my interpersonal relationships. I denied the rape for three years and just recently began the healing process. One impetus that helped me on my recovery was a voluntary break from dating--I have spent the last nine months taking care of me, and being gentle towards myself.

For most of the my life, however, I have had skewed relationships. My father was verbally and at times physically abusive, and he did used to French kiss me when I was small. I assume that would be sexual abuse. My trust in men and myself was damaged--I had the lowest self-esteem, and would sabotage relationships, perfectly good ones, because of my insecurity.

You are not horrible. Compartmentalizing your emotions is a survival mechanism designed to separate your previous trauma from your everyday life until you are ready to heal from the trauma.

I really do suggest talking about this with someone, either professionally or via friends, because it provided a catharsis for me. Don't be hard on yourself. The best advice I ever received was, "Be gentle with yourself." If you had a friend who was struggling with this situation, how would you treat her? Treat yourself the same way. Often we are our own worst enemies and detractors.

I'm sorry I don't have better advice, but I hope in some small way it's helpful to know you are not alone. There is always hope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 2:55pm
I don't see anywhere in your email that you sought counseling since the abuse. I don't see a way out until you do that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 5:20pm

Welcome to the board florami,


I think there is hope. You have identified your issues, now you need to take the next step(s) to heal yourself, boost you self-esteem and fall in love with you.


Please consider visiting the Sexual Abuse Healing

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2007
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 7:31pm
I did seek counseling. I went for months and months after my marriage was over. The message that I got was "get over it." Not particularly helpful. I do not know how to go about finding a good counselor.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 9:08pm
'Just get over it'?