Incompatibility with The Perfect Man
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| Tue, 05-01-2007 - 12:51am |
I've found myself in a huge quandary over this guy- what is wrong with him is completely backwards from the usual concerns. He is faithful, devoted, loyal, loving, would make a great father and husband, is full of adoration for me, is detached from material possessions and feels no greed or envy or ill will towards anyone, and is deeply spiritually rooted. He's stable, content, caring, thoughtful, understanding, and willing to make sacrifices to make me happy.
Sounds great, right? Fits everything on the little compatibility tests a woman conducts when she is suddenly terrified by the realization that their boyfriend-maybe-someday-spouse isn't going to make a good husband or father despite all the little things that she loves about him.
But for me, the problem is the little things. We have nothing in common. I've never had so little in common with someone before, to such a degree as this. His hobbies don't interest me, mine don't interest him. I'm active and drawn to an urban atmosphere, he is from a tropical island and is content to have little activity in his day to day life. I want to see the world, he wants to eventually go home to live near his family. I have ambition, he does not. My idea of a good day involves waking up early and going for a long run, while his idea of a good day involve sleeping in and sitting around. He can do nothing all day and be happy with it. He doesn't like to read; I'm a writer and poet. He loves science and mathematical proofs; I dislike and don't understand these things. We're both intelligent, but he's already made sweeping discoveries in mathematics and quantum physics and I have to accept that I'll just never comprehend his passion or his genius. Meanwhile, I live my life to the fullest; he lives life with the gentle-often-stagnant flow of events as they come to him. We have different musical tastes, I'm a vegetarian and he loves meat... the list goes on and on and on. The only thing we have in common is our religion.
I ask him why he loves me so deeply and unconditionally, and he tells me that it is because of my spirituality that's on a level he's never witnessed before. I am a very spiritual person, this is true. And since he's so content, he doesn't care about ANY of the little things. My spirituality is enough to make him eternally devoted to me.
I am completely, 100% certain that I will never find someone so suited to raise a family with, and I'm also confident I may never find someone that loves me nearly as much as he does. Is it worth it, to overlook the fact that we will never have anything at all in common? Should I just be content to have been lucky enough to find a man who possesses all these rare qualities women spend a lifetime trying to find in men? Will I be fulfilled in a marriage where I'll be loved and cherished and protected? Will I someday find myself completely unhappy with him despite how loving and loyal he may be to me?
I have no idea.

Is it worth it, to overlook the fact that we will never have anything at all in common? Should I just be content to have been lucky enough to find a man who possesses all these rare qualities women spend a lifetime trying to find in men? Will I be fulfilled in a marriage where I'll be loved and cherished and protected? Will I someday find myself completely unhappy with him despite how loving and loyal he may be to me?
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You completely sound like me. Unfortunately I married what many women would call the "perfect man" and have been miserable. We too lack things in common. We married because we had been together for many years and felt we should marry because we had been together so long. I felt I should marry him because he treated me so well and was very attentive to my every want and need. Sounds great right? Nope!
You may down the road find yourself unhappy despite of how caring he is. If you two do not click, you're kidding yourself thinking things will change. This is why I am still married to my H for 6 years. I always felt like I would change how I felt. Believe me, it will weigh you down after time and then it will be even harder to leave.
Thank goodness for us, we never had any children.
Good luck!
Welcome to the board melodicharmony,
I wish I had some good advice for you, but I really don't. I just wanted to say don't marry him if you aren't sure that it will work out and that you will be happy.
They do say that opposites attract. You don't have to have a lot in common to have a great relationship and be happy with each other. But you do have to be able to spend time together doing things you both like. You also have to be able to have good communciation.
You do have a lot you can teach other together and maybe you would both learn to like some of the things the other does.
Good luck.
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