Inconsiderate Boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
Inconsiderate Boyfriend
7
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 7:05pm

My boyfriend has absolutely no respect for my time and he takes me for granted. The problem is that he sees no problem pushing our plans back or canceling them to do things for his family. One example is last weekend we made plans to go to dinner and a movie. His cousin calls and tells him that his back is out and he needs bf to come over and clean his yard (a routine he and cousin had before we met.) So, bf tells the cousin he'll be over in about an hour. I had wanted to go to the movies earlier in the day and have an early dinner but he didn't even consult me on his decision. I felt that it was rude because I had made the plans with him a week before and his cousin didn't give him any notice or even ask if he already had plans. I realized that his back was out and I feel sorry for that but cleaning the yard is not a dire emergency and didn't warrant changing our plans. My boyfriend told me that he didn't think that it would be a problem and that he figured we could just go out later in the day. My bf has had a pattern of doing this since we started going out last year. I've had countless discussions and arguments with him about this but he just apologizes and then proceeds to do it again.

We'll make plans to meet at 5:00p.m and he will not call or show up until around 7 or 8:00 and when I call him, he doesn't answer his phone. Then when I ask what happened, i'll hear something like, "I went to help (so & so) clean the yard" or "I went to "so & so's" house to fix the computer or "I went to do laundry and grocery shopping and it took longer than I expected." Meanwhile, i've been sitting at home dressed and ready to go for 2 hours and all I get is an apology. When we make plans he always goes off and does 5 others things and getting back to me is always the last thing on the list. He claims that it's bad time management but I call it just plain rude. I've tried telling him how I feel already but it hasn't worked. What should I do?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 7:20pm

Well, since you've asked for him to change and he hasn't, your choices are pretty much limited to accepting him AS IS, remaining in the relationship but being unhappy about this, or ending it.

I personally would not be able to stay in a relationship with someone who did this--we would just not be compatible because doing what you say you're going to do when you say you're going to do it is very important to me. Only you can decide how important it is to you--but I see it as a valid reason for ending a relationship.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 8:09pm
I have to agree with northwestwanderer's advice. He knows you have a problem with it, he isn't changing, and now it's up to you to decide whether or not you want to accept playing second fiddle to anyone else who might want to make plans with him or not. Family is important but he is showing you a very small amount of consideration and respect by simply brushing you aside in favor of doing other things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 8:40pm
Well your bf doesn't give you priority. I am sorry but your just not the number person in his life. He is to you I know and he realizes that and thats why he takes you for granted. Try picking something else over him for once to give him a taste of his own medicine and watch him go ballistic. This may or may not work. Atleast you can attempt some realization to dawn upon him while you still can.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 11:35pm

Naikai, you have posted numerous threads on these boards about how your boyfriend does not prioritize you, your plans, or your issues in any way. What I don't understand is why you haven't read what you've written so many times.

1. He does whatever he wants to do whenever he wants to do it.

2. He doesn't bother to inform you that he has changed his plans, and thus changed yours as well.

3. He puts his friends and family ahead of you EVERY TIME.

I think you keep posting about these things because you are waiting for someone to give you the magic phrase that will straighten him out and make your relationship what you want it to be. Unfortunately there is no such phrase, and the only person you can straighten out here is yourself.

Naikai, this is the way he is, and this is what he thinks of you, how he feels about you, and where you rank in importance to him, FOREVER. I'm really sorry, because (having read all your posts) I know how much you've put into this relationship. What you don't seem to understand is that this is what the relationship is and what it's going to be as long as the two of you are in it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 1:12am
I did just that ellee2007. I went out tonight alone and it wasn't all that bad. When he did call, I did not answer. I don't like playing games like this but i'm trying to proof a point to him. I've tried talking and it didn't work so now i'm taking action. If this doesn't work, then i'm out the door because this whole situation is ridiculous and i'm tired.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 2:40pm
Don't think about like like you are playing a game. You are simply asserting yourself and spending your time doing what you want to do. It;s important that he understands that he is not the center of your universe. Sometimes the only thing guys understand is actions. You can talk about your feelings 'till the cows come home, but after a while they shut down and no longer listen. Plan your life without him. If he comes around great, if he doesn't then you won't feel like you have been wasting your time waiting for him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 12:02am
Great advice gal_Ziggy. I did just that. Last night I went to the movie I had been wanting to see and afterwards I had dinner. Today I went to a fair on the boardwalk at the beach and had a great time (even got a little tan. lol.) So I have been getting out enjoying myself and next week, i'm making more plans. I've made up my mind that i'm not going to sit around waiting for him to decide if he's going to show up or not. It's summertime and i'm going to get out and enjoy it.