Infatuation period
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Infatuation period
| Wed, 11-26-2003 - 1:14pm |
ALRIGHT, I want everyone's take on this "infatuation period" thing. I have been seeing my boyfriend for 7 and a half months. We must still be "infatuated" because we can't get enough of each other. We've had issues...you bet, but we are still incredibly sexually attracted to each other, and still want to spend all kinds of time together, and we do very romantic things, and go on dates, and we always come first in each other's lives. So, this is going to end? That's what I'm getting as I'm reading these posts. I don't want to believe in the infatuation period.
Another thing? How can in be pinpointed on 3-9 months like that?
Sarah
Another thing? How can in be pinpointed on 3-9 months like that?
Sarah

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Basically, the more intertwined, interspersed, inter-relational to one another's actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions and words that you get - the more "out of infatuation" you fall. That's when you'll either fall into a deeper level of respect, admiration, acceptance, and approval, perhaps love. Or it's when you'll realize that what this person does, what they value and prioritize, how they conduct your life is giong to limit your potential, options, and future based on your needs and goals - and you get out.
How long it lasts is hugely impacted by "your view of singlehood." IF as a single person you had a great, full, complete, successful, secure, happy life and lifestyle - that you weren't dependent on someone else to create or maintain, that you weren't looking to others for self-identity and definition and approval.....you thought singlehood was the "bee's knees".....and you have no problem being single. YOu're not willing to compromise the "greatness of being single" - for "medocrity in a relationship of disharmony and lack of personal success."
If you think singlehood is a most dreadful, most unacceptable, most negative state to be in - and that while single your focus was to find distraction, often amid your own destructive actions....you'll consider anybody that finds you appealing and attractive and willing to spend time with you to be the "bee's knees" and you'll have a hard time being swayed off that opinion until "life with them" - is just as destructive, choatic, overwhelming and negative as "life as a single person was".
Some people come at relationships from the "I know what I want out of one"...and they have outlined a full list of what they're going to get, receive, have, and expect from a partner and the entity of the relationship. Quite often however, the other column is blank as to what they'll give, sacrifice, tolerate, endure, and expend to in order to have "that relationship".
That's either because as a single person they have nothing they value, they have no success, security, and happiness of merit to them...and they're "nobody without somebody". Or it's because they're unrealistic and don't realize that having another person with a full set of needs, values, standards, desires, requiremnts and goals IS going to impact, to modify to some extent their own potential, options, future, and destiny in terms of accommodating this person appropriately. Either way isn't good.
And other people come at a relationship from the "I know what I won't tolerate again"....and they have outlined a full list of situations and circumstances and issues that'll NEVER AGAIN be in their lives, or that of a partner. And so basically, they continue to add to that list, by getting into relationships prioritizing the "waht I never want and won't accept" - while accepting, tolerating, sacrificing and expending for the needs, goals, wants, standards, and values of a partner...so that they can continue on at some point and add this person and the situations with them 'to the list of never will do again's".
People that are self-aware and self-responsible, who've created a full, complete, independent life that by their own personal definitions outside of situations and circumstances is successful, secure and happy - realize their responsiblity to self. And that a relationship nor partner can't make them waht they're not already. They get into relationships knowing the values, standards, goals, priorities, and boundaries THEY hold as an individual - and they live within them and by them and ttowards them at all times. The partner that shares those in that same self-aware and self-responsible way because it also meets their needs appropriately - so that a partner ca be desired for who they are objectively (not what they offer or save you from) is the relationship where equality, mutual benefit, and honest communication is easily accomplished, never waivered from, and required by both parties - so it is prioritized at all times by them both as individuals.
Sexual attraction, heat, lust....let's not get that confused. Some of us are highly sexual beings...and we love great sex, and we're turned on not just by "this person" but by the opposite sex that is of "great attraction" by our standards. We enjoy a great deal about "sex" - both emotionally and physically and that makes us (I get included here!) great sexual partners. We like giving pleasure, gtting pleasure, we haven't got inappropriate expectations or emotional associations with the sexual act, and we're highly aware of our values and standards and when "sex" is appropriate for us.
And some of us are not "highly sexual beings" and we're primarily attracted to one person who at that moment we have the emotional investment and association of "a great future" wtih. And the second that reality is not in the picture, the desire fades.
What is often "confusing" to people is that highly sexual and self-aware and self-responsible people are quite often "permanently sexually attracted" to a former partner. Who on a self-aware and self-responsible level in other terms, each know is inappropriate for a life partner for them. It never dims the sexual attraction....becuase there is no inappropriate "sexual emotional associations" involved with "great sex" for either of them.
The 3-9 month theory comes in because in the first months, when you're so pleased with yourself based on their desire for you - that everything is about pleasing and being pleased by the partner. After some period of time however, situations, goals, circumstances, and reality begin to re-enter the picture, and there is no the option to "structure your lfie" so that the life that your newly found partner sees is the "orchestrated version" that is so pleasing, so enticing, so appealing - to keep their desire for you at peak volume.
What lots of people also make a huge error in emotional association with, and this'll come from your past relationships and upbringing environment...is that if someone is not pleasing, is not showing themselves in the "best light" that they're "being real, because they love you".....and what that really means is that the person sees nothing wrong with who they are, how they are, the state they're in.....and they're showing it to you because it impresses and pleases them....they're thinking you're going to respond in kind. And quite often, women in particular, will jump immediately into relationships that are fraught with problems, issues, financial insecurity, sexual dysfunction or infidelity and think "Oh, he loves me so that he's sharing his life with me as it is". Taht's untrue...that's who and how he is, he's not looking to change it, he's looking for you to "share it with him as it is, till you get tired of it and leave." At which time, the situation for him will remain as it is - because it's not inappropriate, wrong, or choatic by his standards and definitions.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
The 3-9 month thing....from studies mostly. Most people start out with the infatuation rush of passion and it tapers off or improves depending on how you communicate, resolve issues, interact. Most people put their best foot forward at the beginning of a relationship, more willing to please the other party, not make waves, etc. it's like the true personality comes out after 3 months, because people can't hide who they are for very long.
Carrie
And yes, I love him very much.
Sarah
I dont know, first off it wasnt even the response i was looking for. The infatuation period therory doesnt relate much to my situation.
I do think there is such a thing, but just because that period is over doesnt mean that things will end between you and your guy. It is true, in the begining of a realtionship a couple should be so totally into eachother that they want to see eachother, want to spend all thier time together, and cant get enough of eachother sexually.
But my point is not everything is about this infatuation, the ensuing feelings that should be coming during this time are as important as anything. If the physical stuff calms after a while, and you guys are meshing in the acutal relationship then its ok if it calms down, if its not as intense.
Carrie
That seems to be what is holding you back...you wondering if he were to continue in losing business ventures because he stubbornly refuses to see "your point" - which is that they're losing business ventures -you could live with the reality of supporting the two of you in a lesser than you envisioned and desired lifestyle as a couple.
That's what we're talking about in terms of compatibility, harmony, trust, and assurance. It's getting into a variety of situations and circumstances - not from the "we're in this togehter" attitude - but with the "I want to see your values and priorities" perception.
And you see them...and then realistically and honestly determine is he doing what I would do, how I would do it? IF so, you share values, prioriies, needs, and modus operandi of achieving your goals and meeting your needs. If not - you don't.
Marriage and cohabitation is going to have that person's every thought, feeling, word, ideas, desire, decision and action impacting you - your future, your potential, your options.
It's required that you share fundamental values in life - not just "I want the house and two kids and the white picket fence" generalities. If he's waiting to have the wife and kids until Aunt Martha dies because she's promised he'll inherit her picket fence white house and all her financial assets....and you're willing to save, budget, and live frugually in order to have those things...you two have vastly different "modus operandi's" about achieving the same goals nd results....which is going to lead to much distrust and disharmony in every situation.
It's rather ridiculous to say we had "admiration and respect" of eacho ther from the very beginning. If you don't know someone in having been around them in a myriad of situations and circumstances - you don't know what they value or how they interpret it and play it out. You can't "admire and respect" something you don't know. YOu can admire and respect them - as an individual, as you do any human being on the planet...but that's simply "respect for the fact they walk upright and speak your language" - that's not respect for them as an individual - some people never get past that level, not wanting to find their differences until it is too late, because there has been committment and some sort of destruction.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Enjoy the wonderful time you're having and try not to worry about when and if it will end. As relationships go on and on, they deepen, ripen, change, grow. Many things happen. Nothing stays exactly the same forever. Perhaps in your case, your wonderful connection will simply grow stronger. I certainly hope so. Usually the great high of the early days, months, (years?) mellows a bit. This does'nt have to be a flattening out of the fun and excitement, but perhaps a time for learning other things about each other as well. However, there are no absolute formulas for anything. Just as each person's finger prints are different, so are their lives and experiences. We are all ultimtaely unique and everything is possible.
All the very best.
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
My bf and I have been friends for well over two years, and I gained respect for him as a friend, which to me is equal to every other kind of respect there is.
What do you do for a living? I'm curious because I've read a lot of your posts....
Sarah
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