Insecure GF broke up with, advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2013
Insecure GF broke up with, advice
Wed, 12-11-2013 - 4:51am

My ex GF has really low self esteem and she's really anxious and insecure. She does not love herself and she has had a hard life. She was almost raped and she had to have an abortion amongst other things. She didn't want to get into a relationship but then she met me and she felt she could trust me and I have been supportive when she cried and was down. However, all of a sudden she wants to break up because she said that she can't love me properly without loving herself and that's she has been suffering all her life. She feels more insecure and anxious since dating me even though she loves me and doesn't want to break up. She feels breaking up will give her space to heal herself. She also says that she doesn't want to hurt me even though I am strong enough to support her. She is very defensive and sensitive and sees every thing in a negative way.

If I giver her a compliment she will be very suspicious. Another night she thought I had scratches on my chest and she got really upset because she thought I was cheating. When I meet her she seems nervous and on edge and always watching but then asks me if I am nervous even though I am fine. If I am with female friends, she asks me where I am and with who and freaks out. I met a friend of mine last week and she didn't talk to me for a day. She then said she thought I am trying to make her jealous even though that's not true. I was upset because she was giving me the silent treatment and then she freaked out because she thought that I love her more than she loves me because, she said, 'if I trusted you I would love you' and she has also said that she doesn't deserve me; that she is scared because she loves me so much; that she has shown too much of herself; and that if I knew the real her then I wouldn't love her.
We went on a break and I waited for her to be ready to talk. I respected her space. She told me that I have been the perfect boyfriend.

Anyway, so I didn't hear from her for a week and on Monday night she sent me a message saying we should meet up. Long story short, she tells me that she still feels she has to be on her own. So I send a message back saying I understand and that I'll always be there for her etc. so an hour later she calls me and she is crying and she is telling me that she is so confused because I am the best thing in her life and that she misses me etc.

But now we are broken up.

What happened here? I am not saying I want to get back with her, though I do miss her, I just want some perspective because her behaviour was confusing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Wed, 12-11-2013 - 7:17am
I think your ex is proving that it is very hard to love someone else when you don't love yourself. This breakup has nothing to do with you...she needs to get some counseling and find her own self worth...she may or may not ever do this, but you cannot help her. When she is ready, she may do that...but she may never be ready. You can take from the relationship the good memories you have, and the knowledge that you cannot 'be strong for' someone else...although at times in our lives, we need support, eventually we all have to be strong for ourselves. Give yourself some time to learn from this relationship, then go out and meet the woman in your next relationship. Best wishes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 12-11-2013 - 10:49am

What happened is that she is really too messed up to be in a relationship with anyone--it has nothing to do with you.  She is right that she needs to work on herself before she can love anyone.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 12-12-2013 - 2:24am

Count your self as lucky.  She knew she needed to be centered.  Some people will grab on to you for that lifeline and with it you would have been doomed.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Thu, 12-12-2013 - 2:39am

musiclover12 wrote:
<p>What happened is that she is really too messed up to be in a relationship with anyone--it has nothing to do with you.  She is right that she needs to work on herself before she can love anyone.</p>

My thoughts exactly. Remember that it takes two to make a relationship work and she simply isn't able to do her part. Look for a new girlfriend who has her head together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 12-12-2013 - 12:07pm

I know you're sad, but this woman gave you a gift.  All the things you described, insecurity, jealousy, lack of trust.......she's enough in touch with reality to understand her problem.......but she can't "heal herself" takes professional help.  You loving her can't heal her, because she can't believe that you DO love her.  She can't deal with you talking to another woman, she can't help herself from thinking bad things when she sees a scratch on your chest.  After a while you think you're walking on eggshells for fear of setting her off.  i was married to an insecure man for 20 years and it only got worse, not better.  So insanely jealous that one day we were in our car, he was driving, and 3 sons in the back seat......we stopped for a red light, and there was a car sitting in the lane next to us.  i was just looking around idly, he saw me looking in the direction of the other car, and he went into orbit.  Screaming at me......"do you want to get out of the car and go with him?"  I was in total shock!  Another time, we were in a fast food place, there was a drunken old man in line behind me, the man said "you're a pretty lady"......and my husband grabbed my arm and pulled me out of there!  20 years was enough for me, and I divorced him.  Even after our divorce, and his remarriage, he acted as though he had to watch me, keep tabs on me, etc.  I got a new job, he asked who I'd slept with to get it!  It never ends, but it does get sad as you are, you're better off without her.  You can't understand her behavior, because you're not an insecure man.  She needs to get professional help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 11:19am

That reminds me of a time when my ex & I were away for a nice weekend.  One night we went to a bar and they had a live band.  When we got home, he started a fight and said that I had been looking at the guitarist in the band--I couldn't even remember what the guy looked like and of course I was looking at him--because it's a band and they are on stage and it's normal to look at them.  It's just so tiring to have to deal with that.