Insecure for a reason??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2008
Insecure for a reason??
10
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 6:01pm

My boyfriend and I have been together (on and off) for nearly 3 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 6:40pm

Are you right to be paranoid? Well sort of.
YES, in the sense that this man is about to show you what he's really made of and what his commitment level is to your relationship. That's scary. There's a very real possibility and perhaps probability that he will not pull through for you and you'll be back to square one.
BUT, this is a man who has been with you for almost three years and has not been able to sever his attachment to another woman. You became involved without him being "available". Unfortunately if he couldn't grow a pair within that time frame, if he was really serious about you, then I have my doubts that he will. He could reconcile with his wife. He could decide that he needs time on his own before going directly from one marriage to another. He could completely back out. The fact that he can't man up and get a divorce says to me that this guy does NOT know where his life is and is not really willing to figure it out. What he is willing to do is string you along while he has a wife still attached.

If this relationship doesn't end then you can NEVER LEGALLY MARRY HIM!

We'll see what happens when he comes back from his trip. But I really, really, really hope you are willing to walk away from him if he can't break it off with his wife. Ultimately you want a man who is strong enough to face difficulty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 7:00pm

I would say this guy has a problem with commitment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 8:10pm

I agree with eggbert..

Red flags...

>>My boyfriend and I have been together (on and off) for nearly 3 years.<<

1. A good relationship is not on and off, when there is a problem you work through it.

>>He is separated<<

2. He is separated, meaning he is not fully available for a relationship. People need time to heal from a broken relationship BEFORE getting involved with someone else...whether the relationship was good/bad. You can't get over a relationship fully while in a relationship with someone else. You wind up being the transition/rebound relationship.

>>He is afraid that she will limit his access to the child, or (worse) that the child will hate him forever. <<

3. That is just an excuse... The court will decide what visitation would be not his wife.
His child will be hurt but the child will survive. As long as both parents are loving to them and put the child first, children are better off with 2 loving, happy parents that are apart, than parents that are not happy and lies to their child.

>>The child does not know about me, which has put a lot of strain on our relationship.<<

4. He keeps you his dirty little secret from his child... after 3 years? No respect.

>>Recently, he made specific plans to ask his wife for a divorce, to talk to the child, and to take me away for a romantic weekend - which I assumed would include a proposal. At the last minute, he had an anxiety attack and could not go thru with the conversation with his wife. <<

5. If he can't handle difficult situations now what makes you think he will handle them when/if you get married? No Kahuna's

>>We've gone through so much together, this has not been an "easy" relationship - but we always come back to each other and we love each other like crazy<<

6. Love is not enough, you have to have trust, honesty, respect among other things as a solid foundation in a relationship... YOu don't have this right now because he has strung you along for 3 years .

IF he actually wanted a divorce and to be with you, he would get one...his child is not the cause of him not getting one, THAT is his decision, he is responsible for his actions and his life, he can give any excuse he wants, but it comes down to what HE wants. You need to decide if you want to hang on to scraps for another 3 years or maybe longer..if he doesn't start the process when he comes back in town, then your best bet would be to let him go and get his life in order (if he is willing to get it in order) if/when he does if you still want to try and are available then go for it. But if he backs out again, then you have no one to blame but yourself for how long you stay in limbo.

If he did leave his wife for you... 98% of relationships that start that way do not last, more than two years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2008
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 8:36pm
I have to agree with the other posters.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 9:05pm

Welcome to the board layla44,


You've already gotten good advice from everyone and I know it's hard to hear, but sometimes people (we, you, me, us, etc) need to hear it in stereo.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2007
Thu, 05-15-2008 - 12:20pm

 Z

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-15-2008 - 4:34pm

The problem is not that he does not "love" you, but that he is tremendously guilt ridden and cannot really separate from his original family thus far. By leaving his wife it feels to him as if he is also abandonning his child. The only way he can move forward is by seeking help from a well trained professional therapist. These problems are psychological and one cannot just push through them. If one does, there are often backlashes later on. He could easily blame you for causing any pain and upset that will inevitably come when and if he files for divorce. Once again, this is not because he does not love you, but because he has psychological problems here and blocks.


If you want to be married and not continue living like this, tell him that he must seek professional, psychological assistance with his issues. Otherwise, no matter how hard he tries, even if he does make some moves, the underlying pain and guilt will still be there.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2008
Thu, 05-15-2008 - 8:48pm

I want to thank everyone who's taken the time to read my original post & reply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Fri, 05-16-2008 - 8:00am

Only time can tell is MHO. Could go both ways, basically.


My sister started seeing her bf whilst still 'married', i.e. in posession of a piece of paper stating that she and this man were legally connected and had the same surname. In real life there never was a marriage - her and him were a collossal mistake made at a very young age and through a desperate set of circumstances

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2008
Wed, 05-21-2008 - 5:37pm

Your situation sounds much like mine did.