Insecurity

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Insecurity
6
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 6:47pm

I am looking for some advice, or maybe to just vent. Some of you may know my story but my bf of 3 years had a one night hookup about 10 mos ago. I found out 8 months ago and long story short, he has done everythign to prove to me what a huge mistake he made. I am as confident as I can be, given what has happened, that this will not happen again. We are in college and i think the open opportunities and college life just got the best of his decision making- but the effects have hit us both very hard and he is doing all he can to right his wrong

So, although I feel comfortable in where we are, and I have begun to re establish our relationship slowly (we are only just starting to get back into a somewhat physical relationship after 8 months of "dating" and starting over) I wonder when my insecurities will end or what I can do to ease them as we head back to college (separate colleges). I trust him but I'm insecure....insecure about prettier girls, insecure about just everything. I know this is all part of the breakup and the cheating but I just need to know it is going to go away in time, like all my other fears eventually did.

Any suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
In reply to: lovergrl18
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 8:44pm

your insecurites are well founded.

i guess you shouldn't be so hard on yourself for feeling what is entirely normal to feel.

time can heal all wounds....but only if he continues doing what ever you need him to do in order to build up the trust. consider professional help (together or alone) to help you think through all the complicated issues/impacts associated with his cheating.

gl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
In reply to: lovergrl18
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 8:53pm

I am in a similiar boat as you so i was hoping more ppl would respond because my story just happened a couple of months ago and I'm glad to hear that at 8 months things are really getting better.

I also feel insecure and being in an LDR i suspect counseling is going to be more difficult, especially if you are in college. I hope that the insecurity does pass with time and I hope there are more ppl out there that can offer both of us some advice, encouragement or tell us it's never going to go away...anyone with experience at this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: lovergrl18
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 1:46am

I tend to believe that while ever you are saying "I'm insecure BECAUSE he did X", you won't heal. You see, by continuing to blame his actions, you are seeing yourself as a victim. You're also living in the past. Now I'm NOT saying that you shouldn't blame him. Blame is a perfectly normal stage of grief. But you do have to get past the blame stage. You need to start taking responsibility for your own feelings and actions.

You also need to rationalise these insecurities .... for example, there's no logical reason to be jealous of pretty girls because men can cheat with unattractive girls too. It's a completely illogical insecurity.

It's no different in individual counselling. One may spend much time blaming their parents for the way they've grown up, but there comes a time for one to let it go and start to take responsibility for one's own thought processes and actions.

Likewise, I've got a disabled child and I know that blame is a part of the grief process. But while you're stuck in blame mode, you'll never heal.

In short, life deals most of us a bad hand at one time or another. But we can't move past it while we continue to shell out blame.




Edited 7/20/2007 4:52 am ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lovergrl18
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 10:15am

The way to get rid of your insecurity is to work on your own self esteem Your feelings of insecurity are there within you. Your boyfriend's behavior didn't create them, they just brought them to the surface. You are both very young and there is a lot of life ahead of both of you. Especially if you are going to different colleges, it's really important for you to feel good about yourself, to find out who you are, what's valuable about you and to give yourself and your boyfriend room to grow in life. Don't cling to him and the relationship as a way of hiding from who you are and from all the experiences in front

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: lovergrl18
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 7:47pm

>>Your boyfriend's behavior didn't create them, they just brought them to the surface.<<

Lovergirl, while thinking along these lines, I'm wondering if you had insecurity issues before he cheated. If so, this is another reason to end the blaming process and start taking responsibility for your own feelings.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
In reply to: lovergrl18
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 7:48am

I don't think i had any insecurity issues prior to this incident. I was so secure in our relationship but since it has happened my self esteem took a hit. What was it about her that made him stray (even though I know those answers)? I think its just part of the process of being betrayed/hurt. If I had insecurity issues prior to this, that are just rising to the surface, iwas not aware of them but I'm sure everyone probably has things that they are insecure about it. I do believe this only came out after this incident.

I trust him again- its been a long haul. i know there are always going to be girls that "appear" better- grass is greener theory- but I also know that he didn't pursue this girl, he had no interest in her long term. They didn't even really have a friendship, it was strictly an unfortunate hookup (ugh). I feel as time goes on I will feel better about myself again. I'm not that down in the dumps, just took a hard hit....and was wondering when it might get better again.

thanks for the thoughts/advice