Insecurity: taking some steps to get rid of it; are there other things I can do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2010
Insecurity: taking some steps to get rid of it; are there other things I can do?
6
Sun, 02-05-2012 - 6:35am

Hello,

I'm dealing with some insecurity issues in regard to my bf. I know exactly why I have them and it's not surprising. I've been married twice, and in both situations the guys came in like a prince but were actually totally different. I threw myself heart and soul in, only to have it all crash down on my head. And at the times, I blamed myself, thinking they didn't love me enough to work on things (neither agreed to counseling help).

Another reason is that my bf and I have jumped into things relatively quickly; we've been together 9 months and moved in together about a month ago. Things are going great living together, but obviously since we've been together less than a year, I don't know absolutely everything about him and his past. More specifically, past relationships. He is a typical man in that he doesn't talk a LOT about things. It's usually the bullet points rather than the essay, so to speak.

I've discovered I have some negative reactions when I see facebook activity from a female friend of his, with whom I believe he had a sexual relationship in the past. I do not think they have a sexual relationship currently; in fact, it appears they

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Insecurity is caused by not liking yourself, by low or missing self respect and/or self esteem!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Well all this is going on in your head because you don't know so it's probably better just to come right out & ask--I don't know how you bring it up, maybe if C comments on a FB post or something.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
It sounds like the guy is showing you, through his actions, that you are the one he wants. A guy wouldn't post your pictures all over his fb if he wasn't serious or into you. You need to own your insecurity and look inside to figure out what's causing it. Most likely, it's baggage left over from past relationships.

My suggestion is that you work on putting your past relationships into their proper perspective and avoid transferring the baggage from them onto your bf. Quit painting him with the brush from your past. I was guilty of this myself and once I dealt with my past honestly, it enabled me to see my present guy in a whole new light. It's quite a different view now and I see "our" stuff fo what it truly is now. It's not perfect, but it's ours and not tainted with the baggage of the past.

Hope this makes sense. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

Hi lmtforlife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
I don't think you should ask him of he had a sexual relationship with this girl. Nothing good can come of the answer and it doesn't really matter. It is sad that he is doing the best he can, she has been friendly and supportive to you, and somewhere in your head you are trying to make problems. I do think you should find a therapist but also I think you should be very careful not to punish your boyfriend for your jealous feelings.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2010

Thank you guys for your insight...I appreciate it. It helps to hear how others have dealt with things.

With the information I gave, I know it gave a certain impression. I'll expand on some things.

First marriage: the guy was from a traditional Catholic family and basically married me because he thought it was what he was supposed to do with his life: marry and have kids. He courted me like a prince, fairy tale relationship, fairy tale proposal, fairy tale wedding. A couple years later, we had a child that ended up being diagnosed with autism. After the diagnosis, my ex completely shut down and wouldn't talk to anyone,