Integrity

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Integrity
8
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 1:56am
I've been married for three years and I keep running into the same issue - the man is low on integrity. I catch him lying to me, some big lies, some little. One time he told me he bought a car on ebay "by accident". He spent $4000 of our house money on his daughter's tuition. He told me a Netflicks movie was a drama when really it was a porn flick. He does things like buy a child's ticket to the movies for a 14 year old. He finds a reason not to pay for something even though he owes for it. But it's not every day, just every once in a while. He's great otherwise; treats me like an angel. How do I deal with his dishonesty?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
In reply to: blacksheep8
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 9:14am
How long has he been doing this? Since before you were married?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
In reply to: blacksheep8
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 10:23am
Yes, but I didn't pay enough attention to it before we were married. We dated for 2 1/2 years before getting married and I thought that was long enough to get to know a person. Looking back, I can see a lot of things he lied about but I didn't know they were lies. At the time, I accepted his explanation for things because I had no reason not to. He did a few things to save money that I didn't agree with and I told him so but I thought that was his problem, not mine. I don't believe a person truly lets you see who they are until you are married to them and they let their guard down.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: blacksheep8
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 11:08am

Welcome to the board blacksheep8,


Can you continue to be married to him if he doesn't change his ways? Have you called him out about his lies? The fact is that he isn't going to change unless he wants to and unless he sees something wrong with his actions.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
In reply to: blacksheep8
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 11:17am
My first marriage was abusive and I'm scared of confrontation. I have told him I don't like what he's doing but I haven't said it was a deal breaker. I don't believe people change unless they want to. His lies benefit him so why should he want to change? I don't want to be in a marriage with no trust but at what point do you stand up for your ethics? Do you lose someone you love because you are unwilling to live with their flaws?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: blacksheep8
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 11:18am
Are you happy in the marriage right now?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
In reply to: blacksheep8
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 11:33am
Yes. I worry that I'll end up with a bunch of debt but other than that, I'm doing ok.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
In reply to: blacksheep8
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 11:41am

It's either a deal-breaker for you, or it's not. It's never a good idea to marry someone with a "BUT..." about his personality. When you marry someone you accept them for who they are, good and bad. It's an assumption that even the bad things about them are acceptable to you. You have officially accepted him for his lack of integrity. But... emotionally, you haven't.

It's not really fair to suddenly come up with a deal-breaker after you're married. You knew he was like this and you married him anyway. While I really empathize with you... This is the man you chose. If you want to deal with this, and I suggest you do, you need to tell him that his little lies and deceit are not acceptable to you. But, you should understand that he has every right to say "you already knew this about me, I'm not going to change". At that point, you have to be willing to either accept him or leave. Everyone has little things that need to be put up with, but I admit that being a person of integrity is extremely important. If you want a man who has this quality then next time, you need to choose one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
In reply to: blacksheep8
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 11:42am

FLAW?