internet porn and chats, is he cheating?
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internet porn and chats, is he cheating?
| Wed, 08-11-2004 - 9:19am |
There have been many times recently that i have found that my husband has been looking at internet porn and going into chat rooms. I confronted him and asked him in a nonaccusing way if he had been chatting and looking at porn in the internet and *promises that he doesn't and hasn't done it for a long time. He'll tell me this the same day i find out that he's been looking at the stuff. Now, the porn doesn't so much bother me, i even told him that i don't mind it as long as he doesn't lie about it and we've even seen porn videos together. What bothers me is that chatting, i know the potential there and he's even told me that he doesn't want me to ever go into the chat rooms. And he gets mad when i bother him and ask him about this stuff. I've even showed him the proof, that i found the sites he's visited and he still denies it and then gets mad because i was searching for it. The other big problme is the promises. When he or i use the word "promise," it means that it's God's honest truth. When something isn't compleatly true, we don't use the word. This makes me wonder what other lies he's been telling, it hurts the trust that i have for him. One last thing, about a week ago, i found that he had e-mailed pictures of himself to another girl and she had e-mailed him hers. Are these signs that he's cheating or that he could potentialy cheat on me? What do i do about this? Thanks
Megan

Jennifer
"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi
My fiancee (we just got back together this weekend) walked into the room one day when I was looking at the sites he had been on and as soon as he saw it, he knew what it was. He laughed and said "i guess you were right" and i showed him all the things he had done on the computer. fortunately it was all games and movies and nothing more. he hasnt chatted for over a month. I think he pretty much got the hint when I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine. I got online late one night and started chatting with some young guy. He emailed one pic and he was very attractive so i purposely asked if he had any nude photos. HE DID!!!! He sent three photos that I saved on the computer and sure enough, my fiancee was on the computer a few days later and hit the roof when he saw them. he immediately started questioning me and i told him "oh, thats Michael" and walked out of the room. He was furious and tried to question me relentlessly about it and i refused to tell him anything. Whats good for the goose is good for the gander.
So basically he's lying so he can continue his behavior. He will say or do anything so that he can justify what he's doing, which is betraying you and his exclusive relationship with you. How nice, NOT.
He likes what he's doing, the thrill, that someone else wants him, sharing a fantasy or whatever he's doing with these other women. And he doesn't care that he's placing his marriage in jeapordy.
How sad for you. You will have to decide what you really want to do.... confront, move, separate, divorce, insist on counseling, whatever. But don't be surprised if he fights you tooth and nail, because he's doing exactly what he wants to do.
Edited 8/11/2004 2:23 pm ET ET by itwinflame
Carrie
Sounds like we've all been through this before. Your husband sounds like he's a little immature if you ask me. My previous fiancee was caught red-handed on the keyboard one night as well. I suspected it all along... he mostly looked at porn, but one night when I had a migraine I stayed in bed but the house was a little "too" quiet, meaning he wasnt watching tv, playing nintendo or pool or cooking... very odd. So I did the same as the other girl on this post did. I crept quietly into the living room and he didnt hear me, stood behind him and watched him exchange pictures with several other girls in a chatroom for our campus. Needless to say that relationship was over before we got married.
However, my current husband is no angel either! Before we were married I caught him having "chats" with one girl in particular. One night while I was trying to use the computer, she IMed ME thinking it was him. It was a girl he knew in college, but never met... they just had an online thing for a few years. I ignored her, but the IM window appeared with a history of previous chats. How convenient for me. I read them, and found out he was trying to have cyber-sex with her!! I was deeply hurt. I mean- reeeeally hurt by this.
I'll tell you what I discovered. That beneath the wonderful man you know, the caring and affectionate husband, your best freind, the man you share everything with and lay in bed with, the man you believe in, trust, love and adore... has secrets. They all do. It's their nature to want/need something of their OWN, a seperate life of their OWN, and most of the time its harmless. Men have a hard time letting go of their independence.... and this is their way of "pretending" they are still admired... or possibly that it was something they did before they met you and resent that they have to give up certain things for us, their wives. Doesnt make them cruel or mean. Stupid, yes.
However... excuses aside for those boneheads. My husband certainly never sparked up a *new* conversation with anyone he didnt know. He knew this girl from before, and it was just "their thing" that they did now and then, and he didnt even think about changing that with me in his life- to him, it was just like porn. But if he had gotten into a chat line and started exchanging pictures with other girls... my first reaction would be that he is NOT serious about me. Your husband is walking a THIN line right now, and I dont blame you for not trusting him. HE LIED TO YOU! Rule #1 in a marraige = HONESTY! He promised to honor and love you... this is proof that he has forgotten that promise and I seriously suggest marraige counseling for both of you. Especially you, bc you seem very forgiving and possibly insecure of losing him. HE SHOULD BE SCARED - NOT YOU!!
You have got to get busy with something. Quit hounding him... and questioning. Begin experiencing what your life could be like without him and decide what's best from there. Get a gym mebership , treat yourself to a spa treatment or haircut, buy some new clothes, go out with your girlfreinds, take a night class in a training program you could be interested in, take up Yoga or Pilates and afterwards hang out with a freind. Start a weekend dance class or get involved in a political campaign . Sooner than later he will realize that you are OKAY without him and that should buckle his butt down to get serious. If not? Then this marraige obviously doesnt mean much to him and you cant make it mean anything on your own...
Good luck.