internet porn and chats, is he cheating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
internet porn and chats, is he cheating?
5
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 9:19am
There have been many times recently that i have found that my husband has been looking at internet porn and going into chat rooms. I confronted him and asked him in a nonaccusing way if he had been chatting and looking at porn in the internet and *promises that he doesn't and hasn't done it for a long time. He'll tell me this the same day i find out that he's been looking at the stuff. Now, the porn doesn't so much bother me, i even told him that i don't mind it as long as he doesn't lie about it and we've even seen porn videos together. What bothers me is that chatting, i know the potential there and he's even told me that he doesn't want me to ever go into the chat rooms. And he gets mad when i bother him and ask him about this stuff. I've even showed him the proof, that i found the sites he's visited and he still denies it and then gets mad because i was searching for it. The other big problme is the promises. When he or i use the word "promise," it means that it's God's honest truth. When something isn't compleatly true, we don't use the word. This makes me wonder what other lies he's been telling, it hurts the trust that i have for him. One last thing, about a week ago, i found that he had e-mailed pictures of himself to another girl and she had e-mailed him hers. Are these signs that he's cheating or that he could potentialy cheat on me? What do i do about this? Thanks

Megan

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 11:47am
Well,the porn is one thing. It's usually not a problem as it's fairly normal for a man. Chat rooms make me nervous. That's a red flag. But what really has me suspicious the the exchange of pics. One normally does not do that sort of thing for any other reason I can think of. I think you should focus on that picture exchange; it just doesn't seem right.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 2:18pm
Hi Megan. I've been through the same situation with my fiancee. We were separated at the time but still living together and each time I would walk into the room, he would immediately close out whatever he was doing. I would question him and he would say he was doing something else. Early one morning I managed to sneak into the dining room without him hearing me and stood behind him watching him chat. When he realized I was there, he was furious. I threw in his face his comment about NOT looking to meet anyone or hook up and he said the only reason he was on there was because it was early, he was bored and its funny to read what other people write. I asked why he felt he needed to email his picture to these people because if he's just chatting because he is bored, why would they need to know what he looks like and vice versa. He said if they ask, he sends. Well, i made a decision. All the picutres that were on the computer were burned onto a disk and deleted from the computer. Therefore, he had no way to email pics. Then....i set a trap :) He knows I am extremly computer literate and I've made comments to him before that there is nothing he can do on this computer that I can't or won't find out about. He didn't beleive me so I proved him wrong. I installed a spy softwre so i could monitor everything he did. If you want to do this, go to this website http://www.e-spy-software.com and download the free trial. Of course, you can purchase the software for $40 if you have a debit or credit card. If you use the 15 day trial version, it will only monitor for 60 minutes at a time. This program is totally hidden and he will never know. It will log ALL passwrods, all websites and even chat sessions. you can monitor everything he does and says and even print it out to show him later. If you have any questions about the software, I'll be more than happy to help you set it up. It's password protected and untraceable so he'll never know. you can set it up to start at a specific time or to start when the computer is turned on or if you purchase it, it runs all the time. there are hot keys to bring it up and only you know what they are. Trust me...I've used other "spy" softwares before and this is by far, the best.

My fiancee (we just got back together this weekend) walked into the room one day when I was looking at the sites he had been on and as soon as he saw it, he knew what it was. He laughed and said "i guess you were right" and i showed him all the things he had done on the computer. fortunately it was all games and movies and nothing more. he hasnt chatted for over a month. I think he pretty much got the hint when I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine. I got online late one night and started chatting with some young guy. He emailed one pic and he was very attractive so i purposely asked if he had any nude photos. HE DID!!!! He sent three photos that I saved on the computer and sure enough, my fiancee was on the computer a few days later and hit the roof when he saw them. he immediately started questioning me and i told him "oh, thats Michael" and walked out of the room. He was furious and tried to question me relentlessly about it and i refused to tell him anything. Whats good for the goose is good for the gander.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 2:19pm
::What bothers me is that chatting, i know the potential there and he's even told me that he doesn't want me to ever go into the chat rooms. And he gets mad when i bother him and ask him about this stuff. I've even showed him the proof, that i found the sites he's visited and he still denies it and then gets mad because i was searching for it

So basically he's lying so he can continue his behavior. He will say or do anything so that he can justify what he's doing, which is betraying you and his exclusive relationship with you. How nice, NOT.

He likes what he's doing, the thrill, that someone else wants him, sharing a fantasy or whatever he's doing with these other women. And he doesn't care that he's placing his marriage in jeapordy.

How sad for you. You will have to decide what you really want to do.... confront, move, separate, divorce, insist on counseling, whatever. But don't be surprised if he fights you tooth and nail, because he's doing exactly what he wants to do.


Edited 8/11/2004 2:23 pm ET ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 5:28pm
my fiance goes into chat rooms and so do i... we tend to stay in the body art rooms but let me tell you, i caught him talking in a way that i feel he shouldnt and he even viewed webcams of women showing themselves... i'm not going ot say hes cheating on you or plans to... i am going to say however that most likely it's just him being curious and trying to keep himself at a place where he still feels atractive to other women... the thing with your man is, you need to tell him exactly how you feel, how much it hurts you that he does this stuff, and not let him deny his way out of it when you've got proof... if he keeps denying it then i'm going to say that it's obvious he feels guilty about going in there and is ashamed of you finding out that he did... i wish you luck and tell you to just make sure he nows how much it hurts you and that maybe yuo 2 can go in there together if that's something you might want to do... that's what me and my fiance do now...we either go into it together or not at all...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 5:38pm

Sounds like we've all been through this before. Your husband sounds like he's a little immature if you ask me. My previous fiancee was caught red-handed on the keyboard one night as well. I suspected it all along... he mostly looked at porn, but one night when I had a migraine I stayed in bed but the house was a little "too" quiet, meaning he wasnt watching tv, playing nintendo or pool or cooking... very odd. So I did the same as the other girl on this post did. I crept quietly into the living room and he didnt hear me, stood behind him and watched him exchange pictures with several other girls in a chatroom for our campus. Needless to say that relationship was over before we got married.


However, my current husband is no angel either! Before we were married I caught him having "chats" with one girl in particular. One night while I was trying to use the computer, she IMed ME thinking it was him. It was a girl he knew in college, but never met... they just had an online thing for a few years. I ignored her, but the IM window appeared with a history of previous chats. How convenient for me. I read them, and found out he was trying to have cyber-sex with her!! I was deeply hurt. I mean- reeeeally hurt by this.


I'll tell you what I discovered. That beneath the wonderful man you know, the caring and affectionate husband, your best freind, the man you share everything with and lay in bed with, the man you believe in, trust, love and adore... has secrets. They all do. It's their nature to want/need something of their OWN, a seperate life of their OWN, and most of the time its harmless. Men have a hard time letting go of their independence.... and this is their way of "pretending" they are still admired... or possibly that it was something they did before they met you and resent that they have to give up certain things for us, their wives. Doesnt make them cruel or mean. Stupid, yes.

However... excuses aside for those boneheads. My husband certainly never sparked up a *new* conversation with anyone he didnt know. He knew this girl from before, and it was just "their thing" that they did now and then, and he didnt even think about changing that with me in his life- to him, it was just like porn. But if he had gotten into a chat line and started exchanging pictures with other girls... my first reaction would be that he is NOT serious about me. Your husband is walking a THIN line right now, and I dont blame you for not trusting him. HE LIED TO YOU! Rule #1 in a marraige = HONESTY! He promised to honor and love you... this is proof that he has forgotten that promise and I seriously suggest marraige counseling for both of you. Especially you, bc you seem very forgiving and possibly insecure of losing him. HE SHOULD BE SCARED - NOT YOU!!


You have got to get busy with something. Quit hounding him... and questioning. Begin experiencing what your life could be like without him and decide what's best from there. Get a gym mebership , treat yourself to a spa treatment or haircut, buy some new clothes, go out with your girlfreinds, take a night class in a training program you could be interested in, take up Yoga or Pilates and afterwards hang out with a freind. Start a weekend dance class or get involved in a political campaign . Sooner than later he will realize that you are OKAY without him and that should buckle his butt down to get serious. If not? Then this marraige obviously doesnt mean much to him and you cant make it mean anything on your own...


Good luck.



Love Sara