Interracial relationship and staying

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
Interracial relationship and staying
14
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 6:03pm

I am the mother of a teenage daughter who perfers to date black men. She is 18 years old. Although,I hate to admit it, this is not what I wanted for my child. I dont really know why, maybe all the looks and comments that I have seen with interracial relationships. I have come to terms with this, and want only happiness for both of my daughters. The problem is my husband, he is totally against it. My daughter is not allowed to bring any black friends to our home, or around him. He has made it clear that he will not change his beliefs, he feels that this is a sin. If our daughter chooses to end up marrying or become involved in a long-term relationship, he will not be part of it,even if children come along. He will not recognize them as his grandchildren. He says he loves our child, but does not agree with her choices.

I am at my wits end, we have been married 20 years, and although I do not want our marriage to end, I cannot live with a man who can so easily push his own child away because she is not doing what he wanted. I cannot see myself with him another 20 years, and I am the one who maintains contact with our daughter. He will not be there for the important things in her life,i.e.,marriage, children, and so on.

Any advice on this topic is appreciated. I dont know what else to do at this point.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 9:25pm

I know this seems impossible, but I think counseling is the only thing that can get to him. The option of counseling should be carefully looked at if your daughter decides to go a step further with the boyfriend, and marry him.

There are absolutley no biological differences between a black person and a white person, or an asian person, hispanic person, etc. Race is a socially constructed label, and this is the truth- not some hippy rant. The only reason skin colors vary were to protect skin from different environments and exposure to the sun. Many people are realizing this today, and dont we see much less racism in america? Of course it still exists, but its possible to make improvments on our ideals and stereotypes. If other racists are cured, theres hope for your husband.

It sounds like your daughter was raised in a somewhat strict environment, or at least with strong ideals? I'm sure she still carries many of those ideals with her, perhaps in what she looks for in a person- respectful, reliable, honest,virtuous.... so dont you think you can trust to her use her judgement to find someone with these qualities? perhaps she has- just not in the packaging you and your husband like. WIth counseling, that is with you, your husband, and your daughter, perhaps you can establish that trust in your daughter to find someone with these qualities, and see that she has. What you can do now is stress to her the importance of finding these qualities in a partner. If she understands the importance of them, then she will find someone with them and not settle for anything less.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 2:47pm

Welcome to the board sickoverit2007,


I am sorry you husband is having such a hard time dealing with your daughters interracial relationship. Would he be open to going to counseling for this or perhaps reading some books on interracial relationships?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 4:55pm

there is no changing his mind, he says he would go to counseling, but that wont change a thing. My older daughter told the younger one, she was the reason our family may break up, because she chooses to date "N???ers". I can not believe she said that to her. When the younger one asked her dad about it today, he said well the truth is the truth, I cant believe that either.

I am a mess right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 9:33pm

Hi:

I am a white, 57 year old woman who has been married to a black man for 30 years.

I was raised Catholic ( really has nothing to do with this but just a tidbit ), very strictly, by parents who were very prejudiced. The only thing is I never knew this growing up. My parents really never thought there was a snowballs chance in hel* that a black man would be my life partner. I had initially married a white man the 1st time around. We were around the same age.

My husband, when I married him was 11 years older, widowed with 3 children.

My parents, they totally flipped out. My father spat in my face and did not talk to me for 2 1/2 years. My mom, well she was mortified. What would her friends think???? Here I was the perfectly beautiful, blonde, blue eyed daugher - my daddys heart - my daddys fair hair child.

One day my dad phoned and said "I do not approve, but I can not live without you in my life" - My dad was old school. He would come over on Sundays and thoroughly enjoy himself. I can remember him telling my h "You are a pretty good guy, I just wish you were not colored". Only my dad. My h never took offense, he understood. He was raised in the South back when they had two different water fountains.

While I can not say that my h turned out to be a good husband I will say one thing "It is not the color but rather the person".

My 1 and only concern was children(I knew I could handle myself)- I wanted boys no girls. I did not want my daughters having to deal with the racism. For whatever reason I felt that boys would be better prepared to do so. Well, guess what I had 2 daughters by my black husband. Our oldest is now 29 - a teacher. She is married to a man who also had a white mother and a black father - I call my 2 grandchildren hybrids. Our youngest daughter just turned 18. She is a straight A student, team captain of the varsity basketball team, beautiful, kind, caring. But 1 thing about both of my daughters neither one will take crap off of anyone. They are self assured women who judge noone by their color. Our 18 year old is preparing to leave for College in the fall. Anyone and everyone I have ever met have congratulated us on our daughters. My stepchildren. Both boys (black) married white women. Our eldest his white wife, well let us just say she leaves alot to be desired. Our 2nd eldest his 1st wife was black a real pickle that one - his 2nds wife white, she died at the age of 38 from Colon Cancer. She now she was a real jewel. My stepdaughter now 41 single, the sweetest person you would ever want to meet.

I forgot to mention my 1st husband, white, well we had a special child when I was only 21. He left, he could not handle it. He has only seen her 8 times since we divorced when she was only 2, she is now 35. Now my black husband, he has raised her as his own. Taught her how to do things no doctor thought possible ride a bike, skates, etc.

Another tidbit. I was raised upper middle class, daugher of a military man from Iowa. 17 years ago my brother who was into drugs broke into my parents best friends house and ended up shooting the man in a burglary attempt. The man died. My brother went to prison for life no possibility of parole. (Things like that just did not happen to people like us you know). My sis n law (white) she abandoned her 2 sons. Guess what, me and my black husband raised those 2 white boys.

Yet another tidbit. My mom was a foster parent for a young Mexican boy. When she dies of Cancer she asked me and my black husband to take him in rather that he go back into the system. Yes, we did.

So - as you can see it is not the color of the person but the person.

I hope this helps but if you have ANY questions, please ask. As you can tell I am a very open person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 12:29am

I have not been able to get you or your post off of my mind.

I want to add.

Your daughter, as did I will need to come to the realization of the fact that your h is just as entitled to his opinions and preferences and she is. I was very much aware of the fact that eventhough I did not agree with my dad that he had the right to his feelings.

It was difficult for me do not get me wrong. My sisters h would not even allow his children, my nieces and nephews to play with my black daughter. It upset me but he was afterall from Oklahoma. The truth of the matter is that it was my h who helped me process all of this. He made me understand that 'all' people have some prejudice in them. They may say they don't but they do. It is up to all of us to understand this and to accept each and every person for who and what they are. As long as they do nothing to hurt us or our families we need to respect our differences.

My h aunt would call from Arkansas and always ask "So how is the little white wife"? She meant no disrespect, it was just the way she was.

Your h, wants the best for his daughter. You need to take that into consideration. He does not see it as the best for her to be with a black man. He is afraid of the 'hims' that she is going to run into in life. There are many of them out there. Dads have a special connection to their daughters, noone will ever be good enough.

I would recommend that you all take a breather here. Do not let this one thing be the focus or center of your family. My h has a saying "Lets agree to disagree". Your daughter needs to understand that it is choice time. If she continues to date black men she may very well loose the relationship she has with her dad. There is nothing either you or anyone else can do that is going to change that. Noone can make your h change, he holds the key. Quite frankly, it is a rare dad that does accept this particular choice so don't be too hard on him

I would recommend that you talk to your other daughter and explain to her that you each have your own roles that you play in life. Her role as a sister is a very special one. She should not let her sisters choices interfere with that relationship. You and your h on the other hand need to stop arguing about it in or to take the stress out of the family dynamics.

I hope I have helped.

If you have any questions, no matter what they are you will not offend me. Please feel free.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 6:30pm

Agree to Disagree. I have thought that, and think how can I do that. the thought of not having both my children around at holidays,and special occasions, because one is with a black man and her father hates it. that does not seem right.

I cant help but loose respect and love for my husband because of it.

I am raw and tired.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 8:09pm

You are a wonderful mom.

Your daughters are so fortunate to have a mom that loves them like you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 3:12pm

thank you planin, but i sure dont feel that way right now,

A good mother.....I am trying to decide wheather to leave their father because of his beliefs. How good a mother is that.

I wish i could fix this. He is willing to go just like we are. Me seeing my daughter out of the house if she is with a black man, which right now she is not,. And if in the future, she has children, he will not have grandchildren.

I guess it boils down to, only I have a decision to make. And it is not easy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 6:29pm

I do not envy you any.

We, as mothers love our children so much. We want so much for them, so much happiness.

Since I am not in your shoes it is hard for me to suggest much.

I will instead give you this advice. Remember something, well 1st of all let me say I am the mom of 10 kids. His, mine, ours, my two nephews, and a foster son. I know about kids

You need to remember to do what is going to make you happy. What you feel in your heart of heart is what you need and want to do. Our children grow up; they still love us but to a certain extent they move on. They begin their own lives and quite frankly WE are no longer their priority. Once a mother always a mother. We never stop loving them but we need to realize that they have to live their lives all we can do is love them.

I just do not want you to wake up someday and realize that you are alone due to no fault of your own.

Prejudice is a hard nut to crack. It is not something we can change in people, they have to make the change. Remember my brother n law, the one who refused to let his kids play with my black daughter. Well, he and my h are very very good friends. He loves my kids to death. Time has a way of healing most wounds.

I would however make it perfectly clear this is my house also and if I want my daughter to come and visit then by God she is going to come and visit. I would respect your h feelings regarding not wanting to see his daughter with a black man, since it is his house I would simply ask my daughter to respect that fact. But as far as her coming over; well that is just the way it would be. If my h did not like it then he could take a drive until she left.

I am here if you ever need to vent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 9:50am

we talked again last night, until we wer blue in the face. he says he would never ask me not to see her, he would want me to to that. he jut does not want it in his house or around him. Bottom line, we are at an impass. He is fine with it all, I am the one who is having the struggle. Knowing that if she does end up with a black man, our lives will be different. No sharing in her happiness. Only I would be doing that.

As it stands right now, we are going to get our finances straight, which will take at least a few months, then sell the house, and each get a place of our own.

It stinks, we both do love each other, but cant get past this.

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