Interracial relationship and staying
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| Tue, 07-24-2007 - 6:03pm |
I am the mother of a teenage daughter who perfers to date black men. She is 18 years old. Although,I hate to admit it, this is not what I wanted for my child. I dont really know why, maybe all the looks and comments that I have seen with interracial relationships. I have come to terms with this, and want only happiness for both of my daughters. The problem is my husband, he is totally against it. My daughter is not allowed to bring any black friends to our home, or around him. He has made it clear that he will not change his beliefs, he feels that this is a sin. If our daughter chooses to end up marrying or become involved in a long-term relationship, he will not be part of it,even if children come along. He will not recognize them as his grandchildren. He says he loves our child, but does not agree with her choices.
I am at my wits end, we have been married 20 years, and although I do not want our marriage to end, I cannot live with a man who can so easily push his own child away because she is not doing what he wanted. I cannot see myself with him another 20 years, and I am the one who maintains contact with our daughter. He will not be there for the important things in her life,i.e.,marriage, children, and so on.
Any advice on this topic is appreciated. I dont know what else to do at this point.

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Sickoverit:
May I ask how old you are? I am 57, my h 68. Our life has not been easy being interracial, but we have for whatever reason lasted 30 years.
I implore you since there is still love in your heart for your h, and he still loves you that you simply agree to disagree.
Is there no way you could stay together and agree that she should be able to live her life. Lets face it, and it is what I always have told my children. I had my chance to make it my way. I made my own choices. Looking back I should have taken many peoples advice, but I didn't - Now it is your time to to make your future.
It just hearts my heart for two people who have found each other to end it over something they have no control of.
Think of the waste if down the line she finds someone who is not black and that is her real soul mate. Won't the 2 of you think 'if only'.
If you ever need to talk I am here.
planin2livnow. I am 42, my h is 44. I wish in my mind it would be so easy to agree to disagree. I just keep looking at him, and thinking, how can you not want to be a part of her life. Its not like she is doing something that is against the law. It just seems so silly. Yes, the girls will leave home soon, and they need to live their own lives, but I just keep thinking, if she does end up with a black man, all the things families share will not happen for us. On holidays, one daughter and her family are welcome, but the other is not. I have to go to her. And I dont want to even think about the grandchildren, should their be any.
Right now, as I am writing this, my daughter went to her friends house. She just feels uncomfortable here. There is tension, her dad and sister barely speak to her. I need to find a way to fix that right now.
Dont I sound pathetic. Thank you all for letting me ramble.
No, dear you sound like a mom and wife who truly cares.
I want to say something to you that you may not understand, but try, I was 26 when I first became involved with my h. I knew then that my choice could possible cost me my relationship with my dad. He was miltary, from Iowa, whiter that white. There was no way I could see him EVER accepting this. There were 3 years in which I did not spend the holidays with either him or my mom. It was hard but I knew that in life there were always consequences to decisions. I chose my h because I loved him. I still loved my dad even with his prejudices, I understood.
The only thing your d has that I did not, you. My mom was also prejudice.
In time, as I said my dad came around. He accepted my decision, but was never happy with it. He use to tell my h "YOU ARE A GREAT GUY, I JUST WISH YOU WERE NOT COLORED OR SO DAMN DARK" My h and I still laugh about that to this day. He did not mean any ill will towards my h, but he just could not rap his mind around the idea of how his daughter, his favorite could do this.
Truth be told, all in my family grew with the experience. But it took time, alot of time. Love conqueors all, I believe that.
I just wish your h could understand that tomorrow is promised to noone. We all need to take advantage of each and every day. Family is the most important thing to me in the world. I love my family dearly. Nothing makes me happier than to see my 18 year olds beautiful smile, nothing. It is so pure, sweet and real.
Remember even if your h is not there for your daughter you will be. She is blessed.
You and your husband are making plans about something that may never happen. What an 18-year-old does today is usually "SO OVER" by next week--and truthfully, the things 44-year-old men say today they may not act on a few Christmases from now.
If you and your husband could agree to take a few deep breaths and wait her out, you might find that when she really makes a choice, he will be a man both of you can approve of. If not, well, cross that bridge when you come to it. How does it benefit anyone for you and your husband to be apart and for your daughter to have to bear the guilt of breaking up her family? Don't try to see into the future. That's not for us to do. Just take life a day at a time, love your husband and your daughters, and trust that everything will work together for good.
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