Intimacy problem

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Intimacy problem
1
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 4:11pm
I'll try to be brief. DH and I have been having pretty serious problems for over 3 years now. For a little background, we've been married for 3 1/2 years and have two children, DS who is almost 3 and DD who is almost 1 year. Obviously, I got pregnant right when we got married! Anyway, our problems come from DH who lies to me pretty frequently. We have other problems as well - he's very manipulative and from what I've read about emotional abuse, I do believe he is abusive in that way as well. He does of course have some good points and I have been trying to work on all of this with him. I have concluded though that unles things change, REALLY change, we will not be able to remain together. It is such an unhealthy environment for me and my children. I told him this two weeks ago and he swore he'd change (again). He has been trying, but not hard enough, in my opinion.

Now, I'm sure it seems like - yeah, no kidding you have intimacy problems. Well, through all of this I have tried to be there for him, sexually, but really only if I'm in control. I really don't want to kiss him more than just a simple little kiss and I can't bear to have him touch ME in an intimate way. The sex is very brief and, without being too graphic, it really just involves the basics.

We got into a big argument about this yesterday. He of course is very unhappy that this is the way things are. I understand that. He tells me he knows it's his fault we're at this point but I don't really think he understands how closely tied trust is to being intimate. I've tried to explain it to him, believe me.

The thing is, he keeps asking, "what if I change everything and you never get that feeling back?". I didn't know how to answer him. I didn't feel I could give him a time frame and felt that it took 3 years for me to finally give up all trust in him, how could he win it back in 2 weeks????? I told him that, and that just upset him more. Should I try to give him a time frame? I honestly don't know if these feelings will come back. How long do I keep things going? Really, divorce is the final option for me and I want to know that I've given it my all, but I can't stay with someone who I can't trust. Does counseling help get this back? Or at some point is it just too late, too much has happened?

Anyone out there with experience? Your help is appreciated.

L.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 4:42pm
Your relationship has too many issues to solve by yourselves IMO. Yes, counselling might be able to help you if you BOTH honestly *want* to improve this unhealthy relationship and are willing to work 110% to do whatever it takes to get there. I applaud you for recognizing that this dysfunctional atmosphere is no good for your children. You're right there. Please seek some professional help for yourselves as individuals, as well as couple's counselling. You need an experienced, impartial third party to help you overcome the issues in your marriage. Sometimes it takes a bit of trial and error to find the right therapist, but the effort is worth it if it leads to a healthy happy relationship for you. Personally, I'm a bit skeptical that a manipulative, lying, abusive person can completely change into another type of person altogether, but it's probably possible with a lot of hard work. I think he's being unrealistic if he thinks he can make those kind of changes overnight though. And in the meantime, your children are still exposed to it. I truly do wish you the best of luck.