Invite the Ex (or not) to wedding?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Invite the Ex (or not) to wedding?
6
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 12:27pm
I am getting married this year. My fiance and I have been discussing our guest list. I would prefer if his ex was not there. My fiance and his ex are still on friendly terms and I have no problem with that, I am polite and friendly when we meet but don't really wish to be friends with her as such as I don't really like her to be honest. (I have met other exes of his that I do like.) I would prefer on the big day to think in terms of just him and me and I don't really want to share it with her. The problem is that his ex is now dating a friend of a friend of his so most likely we will bump into them once or twice a year in certain circles. My fiance says he is not really pushed on inviting them, but does not want anyone to be offended and for it to carry over into our social circles and that it would be making a bit of a statement to not invite her. We have discussed it a good deal, I am afraid of inviting her and then regreting it on the day, and on the other hand, I don't want my fiance to have to bear the brunt of it either. Am I making too much of this? Advice much appreciated.

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 12:42pm
I wouldn't invite the ex. It would be weird - for everyone.

No one wants to be reminded of a marriage that didn't work out as they are taking vows. And I would be willing to bet that the ex would be uncomfortable watching her ex husband take vows to another woman - even if all issues have been dealt with and the couple is on friendly terms, it might bring up inappropriate emotions. As for the other guests, they might be uncomfortable with the ex there as well.

As for not wanting to offend anyone - no one will be offended if the ex is not invited. Trust me. It is perfectly acceptible not to invite the ex to your wedding in every social circle I can think of. In fact, by inviting her you might ruffle some feathers. People tend to look at that kind of thing as the new couple trying to rub their happiness in the face of the ex. Not good.

The only time I can think of that inviting the ex would be appropriate is if they have children together and the ex needs to accompany those kids. Even in that case, usually there are grandparents, aunts, or uncles who can accompany the kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 12:47pm
Oops - sorry if I was misunderstood, I meant an ex-girlfriend, not ex-wife. This is our first marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 1:07pm
It's your day and it should be as stress-free as possible. Dear Abby had a letter about this. Abby said something along the lines of just because you (the ex) got an invitation, doesn't mean you have to go....it would be better if you didn't. Just know that the invitation was extended to be polite and have the good sense not to go.

Wonder if you could find that article and have your guy give it to the good friend that is now dating the ex....lol

Sorry, I hope it works out. I think he would be willing to take the brunt end in the social circle to ensure that the wedding is the way you need it to be.


Carrie

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 1:46pm
That changes things a bit, but I still don't think I would invite her. No one will (or should be) offended.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 7:33pm
Take it from someone who has been through this. One of my wife's ex-boyfriends showed up at the wedding as a date for a friend of my wife. It was a bit uncomfortable and I really don't like seeing him in our marriage video or photo album. This is one of the most special days in your life, try to enjoy the day and politely ask your fiance if he could just give you the benefit of the doubt and pass on inviting his ex. The ex should understand, she shouldn't want to cause you to be uneasy at your own wedding.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 1:06pm
Thanks a lot for all your advice.