Involved w/ an emotionally unstable guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Involved w/ an emotionally unstable guy
2
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 6:15pm
I really am going through a difficult time right now, and could use as much advice as I can get. To make a long story short, my bf and I of one year broke up in July because he needs to go out there and be free having no obligations.

Him and I had a wonderful romance for 6 months out of the relationship, so great that it was almost like a fairytale. But for the last half of the relationship, when things became "real" and not "fantasy-like," he wanted out.

The problem here stems from his family background. As a young boy (12 years old), his father left the family and decided to move to Florida to play in a band. My ex was devestated, went on anti-depressants (still is taking them to this day-he's now 21 years old), and went to a counselor for years. He sees his father maybe 2-3 times a year for a few days each, so he really only comes into contact with his dad through the phone and/or internet. Because of this attachment problem, my ex has low self-esteem, and he tends to think that finding this "perfect fantasy relationship" will get rid of all his problems and make him feel better about himself. Thing is, he had this feeling twice. Once with his 1st ex gf, and now with me. He left both of us because we became "real" people. He tends to think there is a perfect girl out there for him who will never make him feel bad at all. He obviously is not living on Earth with this mentality, because a real relationship requires hard work and dedication.

Currently we still see one another. We cuddle, we kiss, but no sex. (He can't have it all). What do I do? He needs help, and I want to talk to him because he really doesn't have many people to talk to about this issue. I understand him and love him soo so much and really do care. If I get up and leave then he will just go through a cycle of relationships or stay in another one and be unhappy. He says he loves me but is afraid he'll get the feeling that he wants out of the relationship again, but he will have that feeling w/ any girl eventually because he wants a "magic feeling" to never go away, and it does!!! I feel like I'm losing my mind, any thoughts?! THX!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 6:34pm
I'm not sure you can help him. Seeing people and relationship for what they really are is usually based on real experiences.

My friend satia wrote this: (something to think about)

Even someone who has love, who is in a solid relationship which has been fulfilling, may find themselves longing for the romance of the first flush of being in love. The first kiss. The first touch. The first sexual encounter. These intense feelings which cause the palms to sweat, the butterflies in the stomach to flutter, etc. All of this that we call "being in love."

Which is how a married woman who has never thought of cheating can easily find her hands trembling as she tries to type a message to the stranger in her email who is "just a friend." Or she may seek excuses to see the handsome coworker who is flirting with her and complimenting her outfit, which her husband hasn't even noticed is new nor any new outfit in years.

It is that feeling, that transient emotion, which we seek because we confuse this with love . . .

Real love is work. Sweaty and not pretty. It is sitting by a person's bedside in a hospital and wiping their nose when they are weeping hysterically with grief. It is moving above and beyond the flutters and blushes and into a comfort zone in which even those who are most in love occasionally will take one another for granted. It means giving 100% of yourself to a relationship you sometimes question, doubt, and even resent. But you still love through those times until . . .

one day you turn to this person you have loved for years and your stomach flutters, your palms sweat, and you blush at the very thought of his kiss on your lips.

The problem isn't being in love with love . . . the problem is thinking that the feeling is love.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 6:36pm
Hon....here's a scary fact.

while you're sitting here going "a real relationship requires work and sacrifice and it means respecting and admiring the other person for who they are" - you're sitting here cuddling, snuggling, rationalizing and justifying with and for a guy who wants a "fantasy girl" - because you want a "fantasy boy".

Infatuation is "your desire for me makes me feel so good about myself I can't get enough of your attention."

And infatuation lasts about 6 months...then reality sets in.

If every time infatuation fades and it's time for him to develop respect and admiration for who is partner is - rather than how her attention and desire for him make him feel about himself...he bails...he's not mature enough for a "real relationship".

And you staying there, justifying why you know "you're not like him" - even though you're staying because you want that "fantasy relationship" back with "him like you thought he was"...........is proving that you're just as immature and unrealistic as he is.

You can fix or cure him...but by alliance you are severely limited and impacted by him.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com