Is this irrational?
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| Thu, 05-03-2007 - 11:23am |
Not quite sure where to start with this, but I am feeling some resentment toward my wife and I'm not sure if this is rational or not. Either way, I'm looking for opinions/suggestions on how to work through this.
Background... married 13 years, two wonderful kids in elementary school. Wife and I both have MBAs. We made a decision jointly to have her stay at home and raise the kids until they were both older. That was 7 years ago. I am now getting vibes that she never intends to go back to work outside the home. She has also changed "the rules" concerning our sex life, but that's a topic for another day.
I have a high pressure job in the financial industry and work very hard to provide for our family (life essentials, retirement savings, tuition plans, big house, luxury vehicles, and on and on). I've been rewarded/promoted repeatedly for this, but the stress has started to take a toll on my mental well-being. I want to get off the fast track and slow my career down as I'm heading for burnout. I'm not working for personal motivation anymore, but because I feel the pressure to provide for a family as the sole breadwinner.
After some introspection/soul searching, I'm feeling like I'm being taken advantage of. We talked about this stuff before we married and we agreed on some things. She made it perfectly clear that she wanted a career outside the house, even with kids. She seems content with her life now that the kids are more self sufficient and shows no intention of ever returning to the workforce.
All of this would probably be a non-issue if I felt that she carried her weight around the house. When the kids are off to school, she hangs out with other neighborhood moms. I have no idea what she does. If she feels like doing errands, she does them. If not, she doesn't. Same with other things things around the house. Other than getting the kids on/off the school bus, she has complete control over her day. My work days are generally highly structured, my calendar is booked solid and I often have conf calls or do work late into the night. I have a boss who sets goals and holds me accountable for performance. She cannot grasp why I feel this way and has told me "the other husbands in the neighborhood all do this, what's YOUR problem?" I help with the cooking and some laundry and chauffering the kids around. She does the house cleaning; I do the auto and home maintenance. I am jealous of the control she has over her life.
Am I irrational to feel a little taken advantage of? I work with other professional moms who bust their butts and I often think that my wife simply has no clue how good she has it. How can I get her to comprehend this? I dont want to be "her boss", which she often claims. I just want her to feel some personal accountability to be more productive, or failing that, to be appreciated for what I do. She is a very independant person and gets defensive if try to communicate/suggest that she could be doing more in the partnership. I asked her if she could mow the lawn this week because I had a kid activity to attend and all hell broke loose.
Thoughts? Should I just suck it up and get back to work? This isn't what I thought I signed up for. Can I get a woman's perspective on this?

You're not at all irrational for feeling taken advantage of because that's what's happening here. It's not right that your wife wants you dealing with such a burden all by yourself.
It's very good that you're identifying this problem now before something really drastic happens. If you know you're going to burn out before much more time passes, then this is the time to make changes to your life to prevent that. It's much easier to deal with now before you reach that point. Because your life now is taking such a toll on you mentally, you can't just suck it up and go back to work. You may be able to pull that off for a few more years, but eventually you would snap and you don't want that to happen.
Since this issue must be dealt with now, you might want to consider some marriage counseling. It doesn't sound like your wife is listening to you, and getting a professional involved might show her that this is serious and she needs to pay attention. As long as she can ignore your concerns and get you to back off, she's not going to take you seriously. That has to change if the situation is ever going to get better.
The easiest solution would be for her to get a job so that you could cut back and you could still have the same standard of living that you have now.
If she refuses to work, then you might have to move to a cheaper house and cut down on the bills and vacations and such. It's far better than working yourself into an early grave.
If she refuses to make any changes at all and you can't come to any agreement, then sooner or later you're going to get to the breaking point and things will go downhill fast. If the marriage ends up heading to a divorce, she would have to work anyway and you'd both have less money. Hopefully she'll listen to reason before something like that would happen.
ITA with Kellyann--you have to be more proactive in your approach so your wife can understand what the situation is. When you say that you're "getting vibes" that she's not planning to go back to work, do you mean that the two of you haven't had a direct discussion of your mutual plans for the future? You also say that she "shows no intention" of going back to work--in other words, she's not brushing up her resume and sending it around, right?
I wonder if in addition to working this very stressful job, you are also handling all the finances in the family. It may be that your wife is not aware of what your financial situation looks like. If that is the case, you may need to visit a financial counselor together, as well as a marriage counselor, so her eyes can be opened to the dollars and cents issues the two of you are facing.
When the two of you go to the marriage counselor, be prepared for your wife to unload a lot of resentment and unhappiness herself. Her responses, as you describe them, sound like those of a woman who feels that living her life is not nearly as pleasant as looking at it from the outside.
<< When you say that you're "getting vibes" that she's not planning to go back to work, do you mean that the two of you haven't had a direct discussion of your mutual plans for the future? You also say that she "shows no intention" of going back to work--in other words, she's not brushing up her resume and sending it around, right?>>
We've talked about it, we've fought about it. She has not updated her resume; she has not contacted anyone in her "network". She has indicated she may want to pursue a career that requires additional schooling, or so something part time. We talk about this, but it never progresses to the point of action, which is what I mean about the "vibes" comment.
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My wife pays the bills; so she is very much aware of our financial situation. Fortunately, our finances are very healthy and we live within our means. At this point, a financial priority is to fully fund college accounts for our kids and although I could work myself into an early grave to do so, I entered into this marriage thinking that funding our future would be a joint responsibility. We also have a goal to purchase a vacation home for retirement. The "joint" part of the plan seems to have been changed.
I think part of the problem is that she doesnt feel any financial pressure to return to work. There's simply no incentive because she knows I'll bust my hump to earn what's needed for our goals.
Welcome to the board iamallhers,
If you haven't directly asked your wife about her going back to work, than you need to do so. I also agree with the other posters that marriage counseling would be a good idea.
You should also look into other ways to reduce your stress. You could try getting massages, going on walks, etc.
This is bothering you and it is best to talk to her about everything before it causes more resentment in your marriage.
glitter-graphics.com
I'm wondering if your financial goals may need to be reconsidered. A vacation home for retirement is a lovely aim, but is it worth sacrificing your marriage over? Why not ditch the idea for a vacation home and just enjoy the here and now. Cut back your hours and give your kids the advantage of having their mom there when the need it.
I work in a school which is in a very wealthy area. We've got waterfront homes, expensive cars and designer label clothes. But these kids have parents who are so busy working to keep up their lavish lifestyle that they cannot give the kids the care they need.
The kids are sent to school sick because neither parent can take time off because of work commitments. Homework doesn't get done because the parents are too busy. And because the parents don't get home till late, the kids go to bed late and are too tired to learn the next day. If your wife is an effective stay at home mom, none of these issues would be problems for your kids.
If you can afford to give your children a stay at home mom, then I say it's a good thing.
I have always been self sufficient, worked and provided for myself. I am not married and don't have kids - am not planning either. My boyfriend whom I adore is fantastic to me in every possible way but even though I am in no way supporting him financially he isn't exactly the main breadwinner. We share all costs; I pay a little bit more because I earn a lot more. We are 36 and 39 and live together. I wouldn't call my finances healthy exactly; neither am I well off but my bills are paid on time and I have enough to live on, buy a semi-decent bottle (or 3) of wine and go out once or twice a week. That's my background.
Now, having said all this.. I do not believe I could ever be a 'kept' woman with none of my own money, married or not (am against marriage but that's another story). I cannot possibly see myself in a situation of having to ask my partner for money or even knowing that my whole life is paid for by him. I'm not the 'stay at home' sort of woman at all. HOWEVER. If, and that's a VERY big if haha, my bf were someone that he is not and had a highly pressured job that kept him stressed anxious and unhappy yet he would keep doing it to provide for both of us and would be kind enough to allow me to stay at home (or work part-time in a job of my choice and not one I have to do to pay the bills which is the case at present), I would, to put it simply, do everything and anything in my power and beyond to: 1 - show him every day, in thousand ways, just how grateful I was for what he was doing and 2 - do absolutely everything else as far as keeping house is concerned. I do N2 anyway - easy if you're a clean freak haha. Say, I have a little relaxed easy p/t job from 10am to 1pm and he busts his backside from 7am to 9pm every day with huge amounts of stress and pressure - because he chooses to do so for us, for me. Whose job is it to make sure his dinner is ready when he comes home? Mine. Housework? Mine. Everything else? Mine. He pays for me to live and breathe. He pays for the food that I eat and the roof above my head. How can there even be a question? How can I NOT repeatedly tell him and show him just how grateful I am and how appreciative of everything that he does? How can I not make it my role to make his 'home' life as easy and enjoyable as possible?? This bit includes sex. Now call me oldfashioned, but if my partner's been killing himself working to support me 12 hours a day dying of stress in the process and I've been flitting about with my mates doing not much all day then the very least this man deserves is a bit of a sexual release - which I am there to provide for him.
Bottom line is this: I admire you and applaud you for what you do. There aren't many men left these days who are prepared to live their lives the way you live yours in order to make their wives and children happy and secure. I cannot understand your wife, and I cannot believe she doesn't realise just how lucky she is that she has all those luxuries provided for her by your without having to do anything in return. Children are hard work, no doubt - although in your case I believe they are of primary school age - so very doable (I've raised my little sister so I know). A boss issuing deadlines in a high stress high pressure industry is much much MUCH harder work. Your wife has to realise that the roof above her head, the food she and her children eat, the car that she drives, the lunches that she has with her mates, her manicures and pedicures, it all hangs and depends on how YOU, her partner, will manage to meet those deadlines. I cannot give you any adivce as our circumstances are so different. I just wanted to express my opinion.
Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do.