Issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Issue
6
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 11:14am
My boyfriend and I have been living together for close to 2 years. He makes double what I make so it was agreed that he would pay our rent and I would pay everything else. He has been good at paying it every month...until last month. We were fighting a lot the week before so he said he was going to stay at his parents for a few nights to calm down. He TOLD me he had already paid the rent, as it was due the next day. Well he ended up going to the lake with one of his friends for a few days. This is when I get a notice saying the rent wasn't paid so I was very unhappy that I was paying rent while he was at the lake! Well, I was furious, felt like he had lied to me, he said he had the check and thought he dropped it off but he guessed not. He paid me the late fee back but not the rent. He said if I wanted the rent money back he would pay me. Well, it's been about 3 weeks and so far...no money. I bug him about it every couple days and he just keeps saying it's coming. I'm wondering now if he spent the money or what! So now that he's come home and we're getting along better I am really insecure wondering why he didn't pay the rent, why hasn't he paid me back when he keeps saying he's going to, was he even at the lake? What did he spend this money on, should I open his bank statement to see if he's lying? I can't get rid of these suspicitions. I have talked to him about it over and over and he keeps saying yes he was at the lake, yes he forget to drop the rent check off, yes he will pay me back when he can. He keeps reassuring me but i just don't know what to do! I feel like i should just let this go so we can move forward but a part of me really wants to know. what should i do????
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kelly014me
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 12:41pm

I don't understand - when he says he's going to pay you, why doesn't he open his cheque book and just write you a cheque right there? Why does the conversation seem to end there?

As to snooping, why do you have suspicions about him? Just bc he didn't pay the rent? I'm assuming he's never done stuff like this before and thats why all the questions? Or do you have reasons for not trusting him (ie, he's cheated on you in the past or something)? If you snoop and find anything, then you can't really saying anything bc how will you explain how you found out?

If you are suspicion bc this is unusual behaviour, then sit him down and tell him you need to talk to him. Tell him that you are feeling a little insecure bc you feel something is wrong. That his behaviour has been unusual and you don't know why. Let him tell you whats going on. If you say it calmly and he explodes, gets defensive, etc...then I'd worry.

Good luck,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: kelly014me
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 2:12pm

Welcome to the board kelly014me,


He says he will pay you back when he can? Oh, boy. I wonder where he spent the rent money if he hasn't bothered to pay you back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
In reply to: kelly014me
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 2:36pm

I have to agree with the above.

 

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kelly014me
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 3:35pm

Wait a little more and if he doesn't pay the rent, just ask him directly what is really going on? Let him know that you are very uncomfortable with this episode as it doesn't make sense. He made a commitment to pay the rent and then left it in your hands. Don't let him slip and slide all over about it. Talk about it clearly with him. Ask him if he spent the money, or why he's dragging you on like this. The most important part of a relationship is trust. If we can't trust our partners, if they don't keep their word, then the entire foundation of our relationship is called into question.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
In reply to: kelly014me
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 3:57pm
Thanks for the responses! I've decided NOT to go thru his personal items because that is only going to make things worse. Then he's going to stop trusting ME. I talked to him today and he finally told me that after our fighting the previous week and now that things have been tense due to this whole rent situation he was hesitant to pay me back because he wasn't sure if he'd be in the apartment. I made a comment last week out of anger and told him he just needed to leave. So that's his reason. He's only lied to me once that I know of, one night a few months ago he told me he was driving home when he was out getting a beer with some guys. He said he lied because if he told me where he really was I'd be mad at him. Other than that he has never lied to me that I know of. i have had a lot of trust issues in my life, i've been lied to, cheated on, and i'm just always looking for something. i know i shouldn't be like that, but i always have. Any new thoughts on the sitution?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kelly014me
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 4:53pm

Sweetie, he DID lie to you. He told you that he had the cheque ready and that he was going to pay you back. But really, he was holding back bc he wanted to see how things panned out first. What if he had decided to leave? He was planning to just take off and leave you hanging for the rent?!?! What kind of behaviour is THAT? When I was living w/a bf that I broke up with, I gave him one month's notice to find a r/mate or decide to move. He decided to move and since moving day was on the same day - he and his friends all helped me move my stuff too. Sound very civilized? It was. He wasn't happy that I left him - but he appreciated my upfront honesty. That last month of living as r/mates created a friendship out of our r/ship. To just up and leave someone high and dry is ridiculous. And even if you said something about leaving in the middle of an argument, I'm quite sure both of you have said things they didn't mean when they were angry. The mature thing to do is to ask the person later, "did you really mean you wanted me to leave?" But of course, he wanted to leave it as is - so he could blame you for his leaving you high and dry. How convenient for him.

Obviously your r/ship is on shaky ground. If you want to save it, you two are going to have to start being honest with each other and communicate better in the future. Try to remember that its not your partner's job to cater to your own insecurities. He shouldn't have to "prove" his loyalty bc of other partner's disloyalty. OTOH, he should be honest with you.

Good luck,
Dee