Issue with event from boyf's past

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2007
Issue with event from boyf's past
4
Mon, 11-19-2007 - 5:52pm

Hi - I'm looking for some advice> I can't talk to my friends about this, as I don't want to betray my boyfriend's confidence. I have been seeing a nice guy for a while now, and have fallen in love with him. That doesn't often happen for me. My boyfriend recently told me that his ex-girlfriend had an abortion when she was with him, and that he supported her thru it, and supported the decision. It was very brave of him to tell me, as my own personal beliefs mean that I could not have an abortion. Whilst I know people have very different views on this one, it is for me a very important personal moral thing. He told me about this, even though he knew my views, and it was a brave thing to do. I fully understand as well that whatever decision he made in the situation with his ex-girlfriend, it would have been a difficult situation. But I can't get past knowing this. It makes me doubt so many things about him as a person - especially given that he is Catholic too, and that was one of the reasons I was going out with him. He also acknowledges that the abortion ended up being convenient for him. He says he would have supported her if she had had the baby, but I just don't know how much it was his decision or hers. I really am having huge problems about this, to the point that at times I feel kind of repulsed by him now I am knowing about it. But at the same time, I am beating myself up about not being more compassionate or understanding to him, or making him feel worse about something he already has issues with. I've been worrying about this for about 2 months now, and he wants a decision as to whether I will end the relationship. I have asked him to give me to Christmas to figure it out. I don't know who to talk to or what to do about this, and it is really upsetting me.

I don't meant to judge anyone else who has been in this situation. This is my personal issue, but going out with someone who is not on the same level as you (whether pro-choice or pro-life) is a difficult one I think.

Thanks for any help!

x
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2007
Mon, 11-19-2007 - 6:21pm
Hello ahasky. I too feel strongly about abortions. I was raised Catholic, and though I do not practice, my beliefs have indeed been shaped by my upbringing. Nonetheless, I also believe others have a right to their own opinion. In your situation, I understand that you have indeed shared your feelings with your boyfriend. How does he feel about your stance? If he understands and respects your view, move on. Focus on the other things in your relationship. If everything becomes over shadowed by this "haunting past", maybe you need to take a better look at, and prioritize your own feelings and expectations.
-Kayra J.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 11-19-2007 - 6:41pm

Welcome to the board ahasky,


Ideally, we all want to be in a relationship where the other person's morals, values, standards and expectations match ours (no matter what they are) and we tend to hold other people up to those morals, values, standards and expectations.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 11-19-2007 - 8:09pm

Well... I wouldn't worry too much about it. If anything, this says something GOOD about his character. It means that he would be willing to put his own morals aside for someone who he cares about. Pro-choice or pro-life... It all changes when it's you in that position. Wouldn't you want someone who would stick by you and not judge you based on what decision you chose? Catholics believe that there is only one who has any right to judge our character. I think you know who it is. Regardless of our beliefs it's important to stick by those we care about. Sometimes we need to put our feelings aside for the people who need to make tough decisions. It's unfair, for sure, but ultimately it was her decision and not his (sorry, that's just biology). He supported her when she needed it. That says a lot about him.

If you want to talk about your views on abortion then you absolutely should, especially before you start having sex... Because every intimate couple needs to know what to expect if the unthinkable happens. But I wouldn't let his actions with his ex dictate what you think his personal views are. He sounds like a good guy who was understanding of a girl in a difficult position.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2007
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 10:48am

It sounds to me that you haven't had a deep discussion about this with your boyfriend, and I can understand that since it wouldn't be a pleasant thing to discuss. But in this situation, I think it absolutely must be done. What happens when we don't talk about something that bothers us with our partner is we start making assumptions, and a lot of times these assumptions can be very wrong. That can be very dangerous to our relationships because we start making decisions which are based on assumptions rather than fact.


I think you need to sit down with him, and ask him what you need to know. Did he push her to get the abortion, or was it mainly her decision? If it was him who pushed her than why did he make that choice which goes against his beliefs? Why was it a convenient decision for him - did he want out of the relationship? Did he stay with her long after she had gotten the abortion, or did the relationship end shortly after? Those questions would tell you a lot about why he made the choices he did. But you have to be prepared for hearing an answer which you may not like, and only you can decide if those choices are something you can live with.