issues...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
issues...
2
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 9:45pm
I've been coming to some conclusions about myself lately that I need some feedback on. I'm young (24), male, graduate student. I haven't dated much, not necessarily lack of interest. But I've realized something else might be holding me back- I just can't figure out if it's a good thing or a bad thing, a thing to change or a thing to embrace.

My parents relationship was NOT good (I'm preaching to the choir on these boards, aren't I). I've always wanted something close, intimate, and commited. I get that most people (particularly my age) find that daunting. I think... being ready for something like that isn't a bad thing. I think...it takes guts. I mean I don't think you should stay in a relationship that doesn't work, but I think being honest, caring, responsible with the person you get involved in is worthwhile and hard for most people to do.

I could construe it then as a strength. Here's where I fumble...

The idea of...being involved with several people at the same time...makes me feel physically ill. Seriously, I think just the sort of competition/ purely pragmatic outlook involved in really casual dating just freaks me out. I feel bad. I feel like people are going to get hurt. The idea of using people (although I would never be presumptious enough to say thats whats going on with people who want something different than me...) freaks me out, feels alien and uncomfortable. I couldn't fool around with two girls at the same time either- it just feels 'wrong'.

I hate situations where many individuals are involved- I just feel like people get hurt, glossed over, used, etc. I don't want any part of it. But when I look at my reaction to it all...it makes me feel like that part of me got 'broken' when I was young or something, and being so underagressive or unable to deal with situations like what I'm describing will only be a detriment.

I do think about people a lot. I don't like to think I'm 'sacrifice-sacrifice-sacrifice' whiney guy, but I just...can't stand being risky with people.


But what does that make me?? Insulated? Unsophisticated?

Messed up? Boring? Traumatized?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: ace5839
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 8:27am

I feel there is nothing wrong with having high standards as to which something should stand up to, to comapre to. The fact that you have no interest in casually dating, just means that you are willing to be meticulous and "picky"(for lack of a better word) as to what

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ace5839
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 12:30pm
You're making an "issue" out of a non-issue.

First, realize that "dating' is not a "relationship". Dating is when you're enjoying this person in this moment, you're not considering "a future' - you're getting to know them by sharing conversations, interests, and events, so that you can discern if this person shares your values, interests and standards so that there is potential for communication, compatibility, harmony, trust, and enjoyment with this person in the fundamental and existential aspects of life - not just "at this moment in time".

That's the mistake most women make in dating...I realize you're a guy. They approach every date/man as if he were a "potential mate". In that they're seeking a partnership - they assume each man asking them out is doing the same. Immediately instead of assessing who this person is right now, they begin to project how this person is as they in limited version know them....will give them the "future" relationship they desire. In short, immediately they begin living in "the future" - while almost totaly ignoring the present in terms of existential level review of this person's character, values, priorities and standards.

That is why women often consider themselves "used"...and are "hurt". They got into the dating realm and naturally there was physical attraction and infatuation - they assumed that all the enjoyment, good feelings and postiive interaction meant "a future was imminent".....and they dated a few months or even longer, with the assumption that "a future" is what he was seeking with them....never realizing that he was not seeking partnership at this time, he was enjoying he moments as they unfolded, he never made promises he didn't keep - but they had expectations he didn' live up to based on projections nad assumptions that they utilized as facts.

It's not wrong of you to want an intimate, emotioonally bonded, equality based, mutually beneficial, honestly communicative relationship wtih a partner. That is ech of you being the great, complete, indepent, and secure individuals that you are at all times, and coming together to enjoy shared interests, with trust being possible due to shared values - while neither of you lose the "greatness of you".

If you've done the personal self-actualization work to know that you'd be choosing a partner now not based on needs of the moment, but desires for a lifetime -t hat's wonderful and you're to be applauded. The type of relationship that you have with yourself, the level of success in existential and elemental levels that you've achieved o your own - that is all that you'll really be able to replicate in a relationship with a partner, or in life with a partner. Because a relationship doesn't make you what you're not - emotionally, mentally, physically, etc. etc. etc. A relationship isn't a goal, it's not an asset....it's an enhancement to an already great, complete life that you've created can maintain and simply want someone to "share it iwth" - that is bringing to your world that same level of completion and self-awareness and responsiblity to "share their world with you".

But...most women your age are NOT as self-actualized as that and often are choosing a partner to make them waht they're not - complete, etc. etc.

So, dating around doesn't require tha tyou get physically intimate....it is just you enjoying this person's company, learning about them - while sharing events and conversations and experiences. If you're only comfortable doing that "one person at a time" - that'sfine. Just keep in mind that doing it with one person at a time requires that you be more self-monitoring and not invest in the "potential" of a future prior to knowing if you share values and priorities and intersets so that a future might be possible for you both to have happily and securely.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com