Is it that bad, am I right, or wrong?!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2006
Is it that bad, am I right, or wrong?!!!
9
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 2:35am
This is such a long story, which it really shouldn't be bc we are not married or have kids or anything like that (still in college), just dating.
We have been dating for little over a year, and at first I didn't think it was going to turn into anything serious, but it did, and now I am almost 100% sure I am in love with him. The first couple of months in our relationship, we never ever had one argument. Then, as we got closer, we got more comfortable with each other, and we went from not fighting at all to fighting all of the time. I will admit I was the bad one, the biggest b*tch, but I cheated on him twice, when I was completely hammered. I know it is not an excuse, and there was an underlying problem with me and our relationship. While on the topic of drinking, I used to be a big partier, but now I have calmed down a little, but still go all out (overboard sometimes) sometimes. My bf on the other hand, is a really big drinker, usually the drunkest one at the party. It bothers me when he gets so drunk, and I tell him that, but he never changes, even when he says he will. I do it sometimes, too, so it is a little hypocritical, but not nearly as much as him. Also, he smokes pot, and since i started dating him I have started doing it more, esp. when I am with him. I personally dont find it to be that big of a problem, but he also does it much more than me. He has even started selling it and many people we know call him to buy it and everything. He says he does it so he can make money and take me out to eat and buy me things blah blah blah. But I never REALLY thought I would date a drug dealer. My parents know he does pot a lot, and they dont like it, but they still like him a lot so they dont tell me I should break up with him.
More about him, He had only made out with a girl before me, had never had any kind of relationship, while I had already had sex and had a couple of relationships that were kind of serious. All everyone can ever say about him and ever has is aww he is the nicest guy he is so sweet the perfect guy. Yeah, I thought that too, until I started dating him. He forgave me for cheating on him, and everyone says he is a keeper bc he did that, but now he uses his niceness against me. One time, for example, we got into a big fight, and he showed a mean text message I had sent him to everyone at one of his parties and was trying to get everyone to hate me and even told me that. he called me a fatass and that I should lose weight, and said no one would believe me if I told anyone he said that bc no one would think he would say that and i had no proof. then he called me back crying like he was about to die, like the biggest baby, apologizing.
Did I mention that he cannot stick up for himself or for me the least bit? his friends talk crap about me all the time behind my back or to my face and all he does is just sit there or laugh. His has also been having some family issues, and his dad is cheating on his mom, and all he ever does is talk about how his dad is a bastard, but he kisses ass to both of his parents. I have never seen I family so weird, and while I do like them, I feel like that is why he is the way he is sometimes. his dad gets really really drunk and goes missing all day sometimes and somehow finds time to meet the lady he cheats with bc we read their emails. He confronted his dad about it, finally, after ab 6 months, and his dad said he promised he would quit, and he actually believed his dad, but I knew he wouldnt stop cheating, and what do u know he is still calling and emailing that lady. the father had also told his older son he would quit about 4 months before, but he never ended it. My bf thinks ab it a lot I know, and he had told me he gets so drunk that he doesnt have to think about it, and he likes to get so drunk he doesnt know where he is or who he is. he has also told me he gets so drunk so he doesnt have to think ab me (when I am not around him)
He also will call me over 20 times nonstop, and has come to my house multiple times in the middle of the night and thrown rocks at my window, when I did not want him to. He does things i call "psycho", such as throw his phone at me really hard and throw a glass on the ground right in front of me so it broke. he would also stalk me at football games and follow me around when i didnt even know he was coming.
I feel like I changed, after I was done with the cheating, i calmed down a lot and focused on being the best gf to him, and it seems like he got worse.
He isnt very reliable, he invites me to go places and do things and then disinvites me or totally forgets saying it. He is also very very immature, if u have not figured out so far. for example, on time he was at my house, and he was trying to force me to admit that this one guy that happened way before him only used me to hook up, and i said i wouldnt admit it bc its none of his business, and he was laughing and getting mad, and i told him that i had even said it before, but i wasnt going to say it then bc he couldnt force me to. Well, he left my house and started running down the road "to his house" and i didnt hear from him for ab 5 min, so i decided to call him, and he said he wasnt going to see me until I admitted it, and i wouldnt. but finally he ran back and apologized. that is not the only time he has started running from my house during one of our fights.
He told me he would rather hear a sugar coated version of things than the truth (like with his dad) and that he sometimes changes things around a little so I dont get so mad. but sometimes he lies to me about things, like oh that my sister spent the night at his house after one of his wild parties, bc he doesnt think they are a big deal and that I would get mad, but i get more mad in the end when I find out.
All he can ever hold against me is that I cheated on him and he thinks he is perfect bc he has never done that. did I mention that he calls me a slut all the time, at least once a week, bc how I was before we dated, and says mean degrading things all the time.
One time I said lets go to dinner, and he got all mad saying that IT IS RUDE OF ME to sauggest to go to dinner ( we werent in a fight in the beginning) bc I expect him to pay for it. I really think he hates the fact that the guy is suppossed to pay, and I sometimes offer to help pay, and he usually refuses it, but I can tell he really wants to take the money. But I swear everything is about money to him.
I know I seem really judgmental here and I know Im not perfect, that I have done some bitchy things, but even my friends say that he has a evil side no one knows. I swear he lives a double life, the one with me, and the one with everyone else but me. All the time i say to myself I can accept his flaws bc I love him so much, and I really do accept him, but I have nights (esp after fights) that I ask myself what I am doing with him and that it was the biggest mistake of my life. But he always says he is going to do things and never even intends on doing them, I swear.
I bet this is the longest post ever, and if u have made it to the end, thanks soo much, there are a lot of more things to say just to explain him and how weird he is. I always talk to my mom about it, and he says its 'tattletale" to talk to my mom about my relationship problems, but anyway she says eventually I am not going to be able to take it anymore and one day I will just end it and be so ready to move on. But I feel like that when I am really mad, but I know I couldnt live without him. he is my best friend. we have a lot of times when we get along really well, but when we fight it tears me up. He says that I overreact about things. for example, i got mad bc I called him and he was at dinner with his friends, and almost immediately he was like "well i am at dinner so i cant really talk right now I have to go" i know i overreacted, but he would NEVER say that to any of his friends if he was at dinner with me, and later that night, I was babysitting, and I hung up real fast bc the parents just got home, and I was like "parents, parents, parents are home I have to go" and i quickly hung up, and he sent me a text message saying "f U' bc I didnt tell him I loved him. He says he didnt hear me say that the parents were home but there is no way he didnt hear me. He overreacts just as much as I do, and he will even admit that (sometimes)
I want to stay and work it out, we talk about getting married, I feel like he is my true soulmate, but I also feel like I should leave bc I will regret staying with him furtherdown the road, and think that things might just get worse and worse. like that he will never change. but who am I to judge and condemn when i am not perfect either?!?!?
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think about this every day!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 8:30am

Sweetie, if he really was your soulmate, you wouldn't have so many bad things to say about him. Given what you've written, I have absolutely no idea why you are in love with him. Perhaps you are in love with the idea of what he could be, rather than what he actually is?

Please, move on.

But before I go, there is one thing I do agree with him on. It *IS* rude of you to invite him out and expect him to pay. If you ask, then you pay. There is no rule that the man is supposed to pay most of the time. I've always found that roughly taking it in turns to pay works out really well.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 3:37pm

Welcome to the board vja4986,


I gotta agree with the other reply you got.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 12:11pm

Actually it is that bad.

I have to agree with the other replies. Reading your story I kept asking, "What else can go wrong?" and then just around the corner, there it'd be. The cheating, the lies, the namecalling, the comparisons, the avoidance, the just about everything. It's not one-sided, although I did notice you tried to point out for a good portion of it that he's "worse than you are." Whether he is or not is actually completely irrelevant, since it seems you're both equally bad to each other and to yourselves. I saw very little in your post to warrant trying to work things out, and I'm typically a big believer in working things out-- but not in your case.

Just because couples have "been though alot together" or insist on forcing the issue "against all odds" (even when it's painfully obvious to others that you don't bring out the best in each other), doesn't mean you're soulmates or that you're destined to be together or that you're star-crossed lovers. It usually just means there's too much drama in the relationship in order for it to be a good one, or that the people in the relationship are addicted to the emotional highs and lows of the drama itself. Neither of those is a good thing.

Good luck to you,

~~.: Sandra :.~~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2007
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 1:12am
Ok, first of all you don't really sound so sure that you want to be with him anymore. It's really hard to have a relaionship with someone who has never been in one before. Thats usually your time to learn and you make lots and lots of mistakes. I am sure that you have your reasons why you love him and care for him, but you shouldn't let him down you by calling you names and never sticking up for you. Really, no matter what advice you get you will do what you want in the end, but I think that you really need to think about what you really want in the long run. If you are thinking about getting married and settling down, you need to know what you want and need out of the relationship. You really wouldn't want your kids coming up to you and saying waht does daddy do for a living mommy, you know. I know its really hard when you love someone, but people usually don't change. I won't say never, but hardly ever change.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 2:18pm
You both have some serious growing up to do. People do this kind of partying while they're young, most of us get it out of our system by the time our early 20's are over and settle down into a productive life with more mature kinds of fun. Your emotional attachment to each other sounds very insecure,and with good reason. You have more problems than solid relationship traits here. Time to move on. When you do, choose someone more mature, and demand more from your own behavior as well.
Also, you shouldn't be telling your mother everything at your age. You're becoming an adult, you should be able to manage most of your own life issues without involving your mother.
Decide who you want to be, what you will demand from others and yourself, and then go get it.

Cat 

Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2006
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 8:06pm
first of all, i thought that some ladies still believe in male chivalry and expect their guys to pay for most things, if not everything. When I said lets go out to eat, the fact of who was going to pay for it never even crossed my mind, I just was trying to find something for us to do. He immediately said he didnt want to pay, which I thought was rude, and he didnt even say it in a nice way. I dont think it is wrong of me to expect him to pay anyways, I know I am not alone.
Also, I know we both still have some growing up to do, and I dont have to act like I am in my 20s or anything, bc Im not, and I still want to have fun. I was just saying how he goes way overboard, every time. And I know that some people who are college aged and still like to party have relationships that work out alright. I am not expecting this to be perfect.
And I have never heard that there is an age where u should stop talking to ur mother about ur relationship problems. Of course I dont tell her everything, but I tell her the big things. I like that fact that we have a good relationship and I like listening to her advice, isnt that what mothers are for?
these are just my opinions, everyone is entitled to their own and appreciate all the different advice. I am just hoping that as we both mature (esp him), it will get better, that is why I keep hanging on. I know that we are both not perfect, but who is, and just bc we have made some mistakes doesnt mean we dont care ab each other. But the point that he will never change(or most likely wont) is a good one and it is what I am afraid of. I came on here to get some different opinions, and unfortunately, this is what I knew would be said, but for some reason I feel like I couldnt live without him. This may be immature, but I am not the only person who has ever felt this way without that great of reasons.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 8:16pm
You have justified and rationalized everything you came on here to get advice about. That being the case, your relationship has longer to run. Enjoy it, and remember that we are here whenever you need us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 1:42pm

you will regret staying with him, so don't.

it is bad and you need to get yourself out of this as soon as you can. everyone one else is right....leave and leave now.

get some counseling for yourself to figure out why you would put up with this as long as you did.

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 3:07pm

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Some ladies may believe in it, some may not. I, personally think it's selfish to assume the man will pay for everything, or even most things. I make more than my SO, so why should he pay "most of the time"? Sometimes he pays, sometimes I pay. The important thing to ask is does your bf believe that he should pay for most things? If not, you have differing beliefs when it comes to money and spending, and that's a very big thing to have differing beliefs.

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What are you hoping to hear? If he does it 'every time', it's not about to change any time soon. So what if some college aged kids party and have relationships that work out all right? In those relationships, they're probably on the same page and both like to party. You say your bf goes overboard, every time. Obviously you're NOT on the same page (and that's fine, I don't think he should be getting smashed all the time either). Another big difference. You're a bit more mature about it than him.

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Sure, but are you taking her advice? Also, are you surprised that she doesn't like things about him after you've shared them with her?

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You can. You're choosing to keep him in your life. If you are really THAT dependent on him for your well-being, that you put up with his abusive behavior (YES, calling you a fatass and throwing glasses on the floor and throwing the phone IS abusive, whether or not he intended to hit you) then you have issues that you should really discuss with a counselor.

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I have dated a lot, and have lots of friends who have dated a lot, and I have never, ever seen an abusive person "mature" out of that behavior. They are that way for a reason. They think that the rules don't apply to them. He'll tell you that you *made* him act a certain way. That if you hadn't *made* him so angry, he wouldn't have lost his temper and thrown the glass. Sound familiar? If it does, be VERY afraid. People like this RARELY mature out of it, and very often get worse.

How long are you willing to stick around to see if he "gets better"? Are you afraid that if you say "forget it! that's it!" that you will not have waited long enough? That maybe next week would've been the week that he'd change? That this time when he makes you promises, this will be the time when he really keeps them?

I'm sorry. I really am. I know it's hard to go through, but you may be starting a pattern for yourself that could go on for years and years. Trust me. BTDT. Many of the women here have been through the same things and are here giving advice, hoping to help others avoid going through what we went through.

Seriously consider talking to a counselor or therapist so you can get a handle on your own behavior and choices so that you don't have to go down the painful road many of us have traveled.